Hi Medic,<BR>I noticed in your reply to KWAS that you said "having H out of the house will make it so much more difficult"<BR>While my H and I were still living together, trying counselling etc but with him still seeing and working with OW, what do you do when he makes the following plans<BR>1. He'll move out, but 'pop over' every night to see the children, then go on his merry bachelor way<BR>2. He wants me to stay in Melb so he can see the children - can't fault him where the children are concerned<BR>3. OW moves into a house 2 streets away, with a friend of OURS, ostensiblly because Jeff likes having company in his house!! Yeah right<BR>4. I couldn't take the thought of him visiting every night, and having to let him to to another womans arms. I loved him so. I moved to Brisbane, 1000KMs away to be with my family at this diabolical time.<P>My question is : H wanted to move out, but keep me there too. Do you see any hope. I have posted all over the place here, with little bits of my story in every post I suppose I feel it would take too long and waste time to tell the whole thing. The only thing we did wrong was not make enough time for each other. We had the normal corporate marriage, his long hours, me at home with the 2 children, me making new life for myself when we got transferred to Sydney for 2 years that didn't really include him because he was never there. TIME was our problem, but he wont acknowledge that - I think he thinks that there was more, and that he has fallen out of love with me because he's attracted and had an affair with OW (someone he works with)<BR>Is this rambling making any sense at all. I think I have lost all perspective about everything and everyone.<BR>Look forward to a reply<P>Jo

Hi Jo,<P>Yeah, with all my reading and newfound knowledge, I know I jumped the gun by throwing her out right then. I came home about 02:00 in the morning. I had a killer day at work. I had a feeling of "a disturbance in the force". Something was wrong. I asked her about it. She denied anything going on. I had heard her speak of Brian before, but, was unfortunately trying to build a business to take care of "our future" so that WE were put on the back burner. So many other things to take care of. Another mistake I made.<P>I taped the phone lines the day earlier and found out my suspicions were founded. The emotions that came to the surface hearing them , MY W, make a date and sounded so happy to go over at her sisters house to meet him drove me over the edge. Looking back I should have waited until the next day to listen to the damned tape. I think the fatigue of the long day and being lied to forced me into a decision that should have been put off until I was rationally in thinking mode. <P>Three years ago after a very nice Thanksgiving Dinner at her parents home with her twin sister and H, I made the remark that my business was more important than our marriage. What a putz! I will never live this one down. I really don't know if that was the turning point that she keeps refering to, but, it was not a very swift response. Maybe it's just her excuse. I'm not sure. It was not a response that a caring H would give.<P>With Val out of the house she did not have to come up with excuses to go anywhere. I MADE IT EASIER FOR HER TO SEE BRIAN. What a putz. Once again emotions lead me. I feel that I pushed her into his arms. Just the mental picture I needed to see.<P>Well, enough of me. Let's see if I can be of any help to you.<P>With regards to your questions.<P>1. Is he popping over to see the children only or is there interaction between the both of you as well. You must remember the fanstasyland they live in. You say he leaves on his merry bachelor way, or is it he can't stand to see what he is doing to his marriage and you? Tough call. They don't have a clue!<P>2.You have the added benefit of having children involved. Very strong hold with him. I have no children with Val. She had an abortion years ago or we would have a 9 year old running around. That's another post.<P>3. Emotions are taking over. Clear thought is still not possible. Jeff could get a cat.<P>4. I agree with you, those thoughts burn my @$$ as well. I sometimes believe that what we percieve to to be happening is a worst case senario. Sometimes not. I don't think they have it as well as they think. Just seems better. REALITY WILL STRIKE LIKE LIGHTNING! They will lie to us while still involved. It's a rule. I'm glad that you moved closer to your support network. You really need that now.<P>H wanted to move out! Guilt maybe starting to enter the picture. They know what they did. They may not fully understand yet, but, they know.<P>With keeping you in the equation, just like my W, I think that we are the saftey net. If it doesn't work out with the OP, they always have us. When the sunlight of day finally hits them and they do see the fantasy it's wake up time. It's up to you and me if we are willing to wait for that time.<P>Did you get a change to read Dr. H books. It seems that there has been a void left in their life for an emotional need that we were unable to meet or they were unable to voice. I am sure it is as unitentional as mine. We had POOR communication.<P>They will tell you that they are not in love with you. Once again a rule to involved in the fantasy. The love for you will be found again once he comes back to reality.<P>No, You are not rambling. You are hurting just like most of us here. Morning for the near death our our marriages, NEAR DEATH. Thankfully I know CPR and you can learn it too. Read everything you can get your hand on at this site.<P>STOP! Take some deep cleansing breaths. Step back a few hundred feet to look at what you really want out of life. I had a severe case of tunnel vision and could only think of getting Val back. I was not taking care of myself. You MUST be happy with yourself before you can be happy with anyone else.<P>I hope that I may have helped you in just a small way. Sorry we had to meet under these circumstances.<P>Wishing us all the Best.<P>Medic.<P>

Hi back Medic<P>Thanks for your response. I've read quite a few of your responses and got a few chuckles. Especially liked the one about finding out that the grass isn't greener on the other side, wait til H finds out its astroturf!!!<P>I didn't make myself quite clear, I now live in Brisbane and H is in Melbourne, 1000 kms away. It was when he WANTED me to stay in Melb that he was going to pop in to see the children every night and then go on his merry way to OW. I could not have stood that. I didn't want this situation and was willing to try and work it out. He was not interested at all, kept saying he couldnt commit to me and didnt know what he felt for me. I felt that I had no choice but to leave Melbourne, where I had no real support network for something as major as this, and had to come home to my family, who all live in Brisbane. I guess I'm also hoping that absence and distance will make the heart grow fonder!!! He has sent 2 bouquets of roses since I've been here (2.5 months) and lots of lovely sometimes flirty emails, We generally communicate via email as I find it a lot easier, the emotion doesnt get in the way so much. !!<BR>Thanks so much for responding, you seem to be so wise and 'with it' for our diabolical situations.<P>Jo

Thanks Jo,<P>You say that I seem so wise and "with it", looks like I FOOLED YOU pretty well. Would you mind calling the W and telling her? She is not aware!<P>I certainly HOPE it was a typo regarding the S. I'm a GUY and even though this is my second marriage and looks like it's going down the tubes I will not even consider looking at another guy's hairy... never mind. Won't go there!<P>Sorry about the geographic error, I think I was sick that day in high school. Was Australia a country back in 1978? Did H acctually verbalize that he would go over to the OW?<P>Still glad to hear you have the support network! Flowers , especially Roses, and the flirty E-Mails are good. Don't get your hopes up too high. Don't mean to be a downer, their're on the dope right now. I picked the wrong week to give up sniffing glue!<P>If there is any way that I can help you, I would be more than happy too. I may not have been able to fix my marriage quite yet, but, I haven't given up hope yet. I have found my life and self respect again. <P>Wishing us all the Best.<P>Medic

Thanks again Medic<P>No, H didn't actually say that he would be going to OW - I guess I just assumed that he would.<BR>I have just found out that H has dug his hole just a little deeper though. When I left Melbourne he wanted someone to move in to help pay rent, bills etc. He met this couple at a party, they needed somewhere to live short-term whilst they finished building their house and could move in quickly - so - happy endings for everyone, they moved in. I just found out 2 days ago, the female who moved in is the sister of the OW. When will this stop? <BR>I don't know if you've read my post about implementing Plan B - I asked for help from you guys. I posted it as a new topic - would you give me your thoughts on that question too please.<BR>thanks heaps<BR>Jo