I really blew it a couple of day ago with H. He is the betrayer but is no not seeing O/W, they are co-workers. I have been doing great and we have had a few great days. He even considered trying to stay the night at home, he is presently at his folks. It all started when we were having these great days, dinner out with the kids, flirty, connecting a little. The kids say some real hope, then he would leave and not call for a couple of days. The kids are like he is a dad one day and the next day he isn't. So a couple of days ago on a phone call I told him how the kids felt. He got mad and said that he does not have a home and no place to take the kids to ect. The he said he was house sitting O/W house while she is gone. He said he needed a quiet place to stay instead of his folks for awhile. That hurt me and the conversation went down hill from there. Now he is mad and said he is at the end of his rope with me and that nothing will ever change. That he is happy when he is not with me. He said that I am only concerned how to make me happy and not him. That he needs a life too. OK so the question is how do I show him the positive changes I have made. He is not here much. I do tend to try to tell him what to do and it is my own insecurity that does it, I am a controller. If any one can give me some advice today. He will be here later to pick up kids to do some things and tomorrow too. I love this man and we have 19 years and 3 kids. I want to make this work. Help!

my3kids,<P>I can really relate to your post.<P>All I can tell you is this: you CAN NOT make your H want to come home and you CAN NOT make your H want to give up the OW or work on your marriage. He either wants to or doesn't.<P>I have learned this the HARD< HARD way. My advice to you is to back off and quit talking about it, quit bringing up anything to do with it, etc. Your H is definitely undecided at this point, and that is preferable to him being 100% decided that he wants out.<P>All you can do is be nice and leave him alone unless he wants to seek you and the kids out. I think there is little you can do to make him want you, but there is plenty you can do to make him NOT want you at this juncture. I have learned this through screwing up on my own - pressuring and nagging my H to do what I wanted - give the OW up, blah, blah, blah. It just doesn't work for most people.<P>Keep the faith and planA, but turn the heat off. All your pressuring and talking hasn't gotten him home, so you have nothing to lose by trying a different approach. SOOOOO frustrating, though!<P>Good luck....<P>Roll Me Away

Thanks so much for advice. I really took it to heart. So today when H came over I was great, considerate and waved goodbye to him and kids ( he took them bowling) and not one tear. I am stronger today and better off for it. This pitty party for me has to stop. I need to look at both sides and work toward making a home that he will want to come home to. Your advice was right on Thanks!

my3kids,<P>I'm sorry to say... but RMA is right...<P>You can't make him come home...<BR>He has to do it on his own...<BR>This is a sad... sad... fact. <P>You are so early in this... <B>Plan A</B> is the only way for you to go now... it is hard... very hard... (but somewhat easier than what most go through in Plan B.)<P>When the going gets tough...<BR>post... lurk... read... and reach out...<P>Prayers coming your way... <P>Jim

Plan A is it. And it's a bear. But you can do it.<P>We're here. You have the strength. Hold on and do your best. It'll take lots and lots of time.<P>Lori

my3kids--<P>Ahhh!! A fellow controller, lol. Sometimes I have sense enough to bite my lip before I offer suggestions or tell H how *I* think he should do things...and sometimes it just spills out anyway. Lovebuster--BAM!! Whoops.<P>My H is a procrastinator. (Me too, but funny how my own procrastinations don't bother me as much, lol) He is also very macho. Sometimes I feel like I'm doing a juggling act--which of his procrastinations can I live with, and which are important enough for me to speak up!<P>I can only suggest that right now, while your H is confused, angry and in his "taker" mode...to try not to let his feelings affect yours. While he IS your H, you may have to approach the problem as if he's an interesting man you'd like to date! That means showing him rapt attention, being polite and respectful toward his opinions, and what we all did during the "dating game"--entice them by looking our best! The bonus of years with him are the memories--you can bring them up to advantage at appropriate times.<P>I think you can always tell him how you feel--even the hurt or angry feelings--as long as you SAY it calmly, and lightly. Sounds like he's overwhelmed by guilt and any feeling of blame from YOU is driving him away. He can't handle it. <P>You're on the right track, what you were doing when he was considering moving back home. Just keep at it!! Best wishes.

To everyone, thanks so much for the encouragement. He cam today and took daughter for bike ride on one of trails in the area. I smile, had my makeup on, even though I planted tulip bulbs. I am a decorative painter and sell items I paint in stores. So I was painting and he wanted to know what. Most of the things I am painting he cut out of wood for me last year. So we laughed about that. I kinda went ga ga since he was giving me attention. But I tried not to have that hungry look in my eyes (doing without sex is the hardest). But I helped them get their bikes out of the garage and put them on the bike rack and hugged my daughter and said have a good time and waved bye with a smile on my face. I am BBQing for dinner and mentioned that, but did not invite him, if he wants to stay he can (though I did make deviled eggs just in case since he likes them). So that is the up date for today. I am trying. I want him home so bad and miss him, the kids miss him too. Thanks again everyone!