During our attempted recovery, w and I and the kids agreed to go to her parents for Thanksgiving. Now that we are getting divorced I do not want to go. I see no reason for me to sit there and act like nothing has happened or is about to happen.<P>My xwtb, want me to reconsider ,saying she doesn't want the kids holidays to be ruined. We haven't told them that we are divorcing( I guess we'll ruin their hoidays after the fact).<P>My question is everybody I talk to says that I am crazy to go, there is no reason, that it really isn't for the kids but for her charade(I don't know if she has told her parents or not), etc.<P>I'm sure all her friends are telling her that I'm being cruel, that I'm wrong, etc.<P>What are your opinions out there ?<P>And should we tell the children now or after the holidays ? I 'm voting tell them now. She says wait.

Your main concern I think is for your kids. Would <B>they</B> want you to be there? I'm sure they do. Do it for them, and to heck with your wife.<P>As far as telling them about the divorce... well I guess that depends on how old they are. My son is only 9. If we were getting divorced, I'd wait until after the holidays to tell him. Probably older kids (like 16+) would be able to handle it a little better (notice the word <B>little</B>).<P>--andy

It is hard to put on the hat of divorce, and live the life of being married for the sake of the kids....<P>If you didn't go to inlaws for T day, it would be understandable. I would call and talk to the inlaws and explain. And I like the idea of volunteering for a church for this day. <P>But, also - it is time to start making some new traditions for you and the kids.<P>Maybe, you might want to go to the inlaws for T-day, but schedule it later than normal so that you and the kids can help out at the church w/out wife. It might send her the message that life goes on, and she is a little on the outs - if ya know what I mean.<P>Just my thoughts.<P>And, I think I would wait to tell the kids until after the holidays if life won't change for them in the mean time. but during this new divorce thing, life probably will change... In that case - I would plan to tell them before the holidays. You want to be honest with your kids and build trust and be there for the kids as much as possible.<P>I think you both need to decide what are the roles you will play until you tell the kids.<P>I am sooo sorry. I spent many holidays alone, because X came and got the kids and my extended family was away. I learned early on during the divorced life to plan for these events, or I would find myself very depressed on the holidays.<P>TNT

I say this: if you're friends with your stbx then go with the idea that you're among family, your children and your friend (the ex). <P>The in-laws must know. I wouldn't go unless they do. That's just me.<P>The kids: I agree with airheart. Depends on the age. But even if little, if they see Mommy and Daddy can be "friends" and still maintain some normalcy, I think it will speak volumes about how the divorce will affect them. In otherwords, they won't worry that Daddy's gonna drop off the planet.<P>Make sense?<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

RWD I am so sorry for theposition you find yourself in.<P>My wife and I are also getting divorced despite my efforts. Nevertheless I am going with the kids to her brother's house for T-day, like we normally would, whether their mother comes or not. Everyone knows the situation even though they are not happy about it. My in-laws have been very supportive yet neutral on the divorce and I know if push came to shove they would support the kid's mother.<P>Once everything is out in the open for you it will be easier to answer questions like this. What are you going to do for Christmas? Spoil that holiday too? There never is a good time to tell the kids, there are just worse times than others.<P>You and your wife will have to agree on when to tell the kids, which special time to spoil. I don't know how old your kids are but I think you'll be surprised how they deal with the problem.<P>If Christmas is more important than T-day I suggest you and W plan to tell before T-day and plan the rest of your days before the final divorce if you are able. That way there will be more time to adjust to Christmas. I would hazard a guess that if you told before T-day they would still want to go to in-laws and you should go without any pretence of total harmony but on your best behavior for the kids sake.<P>Only you and your wife can decide but whatever it would be best if it was something you could agree on. JMHO.<P>Good Luck. <P>------------------<BR>It's always darkest before the dawn

RWD:<P>Look at it this way.... It Thanksgiving, you haven't told the kids anything, and you have to eat anyway. So if you intend to be "normal" until the "D" the just be normal and do what you would have done before. Wait until after the Holidays to tell the kids about the "D" but I can assure you that they already have a clue. Kids seem to have radar for that sort of thing. <P>Anyway, mom used to say it was better to deal with life's problems on a full stomach. So go for it.<P>PW

RWD,<BR> The "fat lady" hasn't <belched> yet!! That's why in most states D isn't final for 6 months!! I would go to the in-laws. For the kids mostly AND because with the betrayers "fragile" state of mind, you never know. PLUS I'd go JUST so I was with her INSTEAD of OM. <P> Maybe HE'LL (OM) see that life's RESPONSIBILITIES<BR> (do they even know that word anymore?) go on and you guys are a FAMILY!! And maybe it will PISS him off that W spent T with you and HE will LB!! The IL's may say something to WAKE her up too!! I wouldn't miss it for WORLD, too many lost possibilities!!!! I STILL don't think she's "sung" yet!! GOOD LUCK AND PRAYERS FRANK

Thanks for the input !<P>My daughter is 12 and my son will be 9 on Dec 4th. The weird part in this is that my soon to be x, works every other holiday. She worked last year, is off this year, but works Xmas afternoon, and New Years Eve. So the kids are used to her not being around for the the majority of the holiday any way. I don't know how they would react to me not being there!<P>I think I could act "normal" but I don't want to act. While I don't hate her(much), I'm not ready to act buddy-buddy with her. I think that also may be a strain on her parents too if they know. Now I don't think she plans on telling them either till after the holidays.<P>PH,<BR>I'm not sure where om fits in here. Supposedly my stbx gave him an ultimatium that she wouldn't let him move back in or sleep with him till he got divorced. She told me that, and said he would probably put her off till after the holidays.<P>I'll have to see if she has told her parents, and also if she will drive over (1.5 hr drive)herself or take the kids, then I could drive over later. I really don't want to spend 3 hrs in the car with her acting like nothing is wrong. That would drive me bizzerk!