Confronted W about her awkward behavior related to her interest in befriending a man that had provided us with household-related services. W was very honest and promptly confessed that my suspicions where not unfounded. She and OM had expressed their feelings, met once in a parking lot, they had brief physical contact (one kiss & a few hugs), no sex, and talked on phone. Before confrontation I was very lucky to have found this site and suggested that W also take a look at it. We signed up for counseling sessions and have found them to be very helpful. We are now in the process of rebuilding our marriage.<P>In the seven weeks since I confronted W, she and OM have not seen, spoken, or seen each other. Nevertheless, W is still feeling quite attracted to OM and has expressed sadness for “the loss.” During this time W has done made two attempts to “indirectly connect” with OM: 1) She went online to find out if OM had sold his house yet; and 2) She drove by his office during a time she knew he would not be there. BTW, she has been very honest about these incidents. The first one I found out by searching the history in browser and the other one she voluntarily told me about it.<P>My question is, what actually constitutes contact? My wife and I respectfully disagree on this issue. She claims that her attempts are merely a way to establish some kind of connection; I say that they in fact constitute contact and that she is hurting our progress by doing these things. Does anyone here have a clear understanding of this issue?<P>Thanks<BR>

The indirect contact you describe would feel like "contact" to me, a betrayed. Part of the reason for the no contact rule is it demonstrates respect and caring for the betrayed spouse's feelings. Sorry but I would characterize your wife's actions as a violation of the no contact rule and evidence of something less than 100% commitment to you and the marriage. You are not wrong to feel hurt and upset by what she is doing even if her actions have not lead to reestablishing actual contact with the om.<BR> Simone

I don't think you are wrong to be upset by her actions, however, keep in mind that she will experience some symptoms of withdrawal and needs your understanding to get through it. By letting her know that you understand her feeling of loss, yet also letting her know that her actions are upsetting to you (without love busting), you will deposit love units (if she is ready to take them from you) and not withdraw any.<P>Show your wife the Rule of Protection - it sounds like she has a handle (mostly) on the Rule of Honesty. She needs to avoid hurting you as much as you need to avoid hurting her. The concepts on this site are great! Read read read read!<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR>I believe in miracles...<BR>

Your responses are very much appreciated. They clearly echo my interpretation that putting forth any effort to “connect” with the OP, regardless of whether the attempt results in actual contact, in fact constitutes contact. Of course, I do not fail to recognize that all three of us are injured spouses and would have a similar point of view. It would be very interesting to have someone representing the other point of view chime in and express their own views.<P>As far as being supportive and understanding, I feel, and my wife has told me, that I’m doing a good job in that area. She and I have had, and continue to have, a very good relationship. Unfortunately, we are now faced with a monumental challenge that will take every ounce of strength we have to conquer.<BR>

Persistent,<P>I agree with the very good advice that both Simone and Terri have provided. The good news is that at least your W is being HONEST about what's going on! That is not a small thing in situations like this. It is a beginning.<P>If she wasn't sincere in her efforts to work on your marriage, she would and could have, easily "gotten away" with these, and other deceptions. She is struggling with her feelings. You know that the OM is just an outer manifestation of a deeper void in the marriage. <P>But, your W has committed herself to rebuilding your marriage. But, this does not mean that she can turn her feelings on and off, like a light switch. She bonded on some level, with this OM, and he provided her with something, that she still clearly needs and misses.<P>Have you addressed that in therapy, or privately yet? If not, you need to. This is key to understanding, what drew her to him, in the first place. Though it is natural for you to be bothered by her actions, you were very smart, not to over-react! She will draw ever closer to you, ONLY if she feels, that it is totally SAFE for her to be honest with you about any and everything.<P>You are holding up well! Keep up the good work!<P>~skye

Skye,<P>Your statement regarding my wife’s (or any spouse’s) need to feel SAFE about disclosing feelings will become part of my daily thought process from now on. Thank you! I indeed have recognized that in order to have our marriage become stronger and less susceptible to infidelity I have to treat the feelings and thoughts that briefly lured my wife away from our marriage as real and as important as the feelings and thoughts I have about it. I assure you that I have been very patient and understanding and feel a deep sorrow that my wife is in such a position. She is a lovely woman!<P>I feel very lucky to have found this web site and I plan to get more involved in this forum.<BR>

As a former betrayer and now a betrayed, I will tell you that she should have NO contact, especially during the withdrawal phase. The contact/connection does just that - keeps things going. <P>When I was betrayer, I avoided OM at the hospital as much as possible and it helped me to get over the EA. Now, I still work with him, and see him a few times a month - I always make sure if I have to meet with him, that someone else is there,too to keep things on a professional levl and that has worked well. I have no feelings at all now for him.<P>As a current betrayed, my H knows and told me that if he were to ever get over the OW, he knows that he would have to never see her or talk to her again. Unfortunately, he has never made it past 1 -2 days without recontacting her or her recontacting him and so we are separated and his affair is now in the 9th month. VERY hard to do - for the betrayer to give up something and someone so important to them. Alas, it really is their sole decision. You can't and shouldn't have to monitor your W's activities for her. <P>I hope your W comes to understand that she must take the efforts and energy away form relationship with OM and give that back to you and the marriage. This si a HARD pill for the betrayed to swallow, too. Some do it and some don't.<P>Best of luck...<P>Roll Me Away