As most of you know, I am one of the few that married the om and I think most have read the entire story on it. Now, playing the devils advocate, I have a few questions.<P>I notice in reading posts that most feel that their spouse never did love the om/ow in a "real" love that is. It's refered to as being a false fantasy love based purely on bliss and not real life. Once they snap out of it they will love their spouse again and realize that their lover had faults and they didn't love them for their faults, only the "perfect" person they seemed to be. <P>And this one.....their marriage was lacking so they found somebody to fill that particular need.<P>Now, I do agree to these comments to the greater extent, but lets take the first paragraph. A person is capable of falling in love more then once in a life time and isn't it just possible that some really do love that om/ow despite their faults? Maybe they become so close that they know each other's faults? <P>Can somebody really love TWO people at the same time? Oh maybe but it depends on the type of love it is. The "in-love" as described in another post is a fantastic love and one tht I don't think can be shared between two people. It's being complete in all aspects of your relationship. When your "in-love" you don't fall in love with somebody else because that one person has your heart, your mind and your soul. The other love, as described in that post, talked about love like a sibling etc...Now, isn't it possible to marry your spouse with that kind of love, mistaking it for an "in-love"?<P>And lastly, the comments about missing something in your marriage. I agree and I know what was missing in my first marriage, but come on if you really think about it, isn't just about every marriage missing something? Gee, they don't communicate like they should or he doesn't excite her as much with the bald head and her with the weight gain. But, for some reason they don't cheat on each other despite this lack of something. It could be morals, it could be they haven't found anybody to cheat with, or it could be that when they first married they had the "in-love" not the I love you but I'm not in-love with you.<P>So, how many of you have I lost in my babbles?

Hey Bonnie,<P>Well, I agree with most of what you're saying. Sometimes I sit here and read the posts and think that it all sounds so simplistic. Obviously, the H or W is the "right" relationship by virtue of the fact that it is who you're married to. I think the trick is to realize the "why" of an affair.<P>When my husband cheated, he said he wanted and needed me but I wasn't there. I said the same when I cheated (12 yrs. later). We wanted eachother but the other wasn't available physically or emotionally (for whatever reason). I tend to think of affairs as crys for help. Our therapist says that affairs are "giving the finger" to the spouse. I don't know. But what I do know is this: affairs happen for all sorts of reasons. Sometimes the betrayer is weak or cowardly and can't seem to get out of the marriage first (that was me, for sure). They should get out first, but they don't. In your situation, who knows better than you? Life never has easy answers. I hope that you and your husband will be happy until you both grow old and gray. As I'm sure you know, that doesn't happen often with marriages that are a result of an affair. I have a friend going through it right now. And he left her. Why? Because he never dealt with the reasons for his failed marriage in the first place. Now she's alone and without the man she loves. You two may be the exception, and I really hope and pray that you are.

More babbling for ya' <P>Yes, the love is there for the OP because of the needs they are filling. However, all of their needs are not being filled. A home, money, paying bills, raising kids, etc. Usually some or all of these they are not doing. The other spouse is.<P>They didn't see the faults of the OP because they were not engaged in "real life" with them. Stolen moments here & there, the rush of something new & dangerous. Go on a rollercoaster the first time & it's great. Sit on it 10 times a day for a year & it isn't as great as the first time. You start to notice the seats are uncomfortable, it has an annoying squeak, you get grease on your leg, etc. Same thing happens in marriages AND in an affair.<P>Yeah, they may really love the OP. But unless they learn the techniques of HOW to keep the love alive, then it will end up the same as the marriage. Relationship problems are not caused only by one person. Most people in an affair usually say something like, "all the problems were yours. I'm happy now because you're not in my life, so my unhappiness must have been your fault". Both people need to communicate effectively their needs & understand the needs of the other. When they stat to see the faults of the OP, then they realize that this person is usually no better or worse than the spouse. But the couple have a history together, children, home, etc. This is when they may decide to quit the affair & go home.<P>Sure most marriages are missing something. But it depends on how important that something is to either/both of the people invloved. Also, peoples needs change. What wasnot inportant when you first marry, may turn out to be the most important need in the world 10 years down the road. That is why communication is so important. If you don't tell the other your needs have changed, they aren't gonna know.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html</A> <p>[This message has been edited by Chris (CA123) (edited August 20, 1999).]

Ofcourse this is a wide open question or statements because every situation is different. Some people out there should have never married in the first place. Some stay married because of money, kids or it's a dream they had from childhood, without either of them being in love with eachother. Your case is a rare one, when you end up marrying the OP. Sometimes it is for the best, sometimes it hurts the other spouse who may still be in love with the person they married. Yes people can fall in love with the OP just as they fell in love with the one they married. It is just a sh*tty situation when others get hurt in the long run.

BonnySept,<P>Good observations. Some of the persons posting on this site are fixated on the idea that the one they married is the ultimate love in their life. Any other loves are mere imitations of the "real thing." I would suppose using that logic would mean that my first job out of college was my best job and I should have never left, or the first best friend I had in grade school was the best friend I would ever have. <P>Sometimes the first job is the best job; sometimes the first best friend is the best friend for life. The first isn't always the best. Often, it's not. The same applies to marriages. Face it--many get into them too soon in life and it's a gamble that that match is the best they could have made. Rebuilding such marriages is only showing two people who are not necessarily the best match for each other how to make the best of it. That's not a negative, cold way of looking at it. It's pure reality.<P>Depending upon the situation, a person might find a better match and have an affair. For whatever reason, the practical solution might be to try to work out the marriage. Reasons are generally related to kids, money, family and friends.<P>That's my perspective. Again, Bonny, I think you make some very common sense points.

<P>I truely understand what you both have just said and it's very logical. If you were to put yourself in mine and many others who post on this site shoes, you would feel differently. Most of us are not blind to the fact that there was problems in our marriages. It's the pain and rejection that we are all going through that often makes us feel that we cannot live without the other spouse. I do know that life will go on without him and maybe I will find another but right now even though he has treated me like crap I still love him. He has been my life for 15 years.

There are probably thousands of people out their who would be "good enough" spouses. Maybe there are many potentially better matches. But even if you could replace your spouse with someone better, that does not mean that he/she would make a better parent for your children. It is highly unlikely that the connection between the child and step-parent would ever be as strong as between the child and parent, especially if the child is older. I think there is far too much emphasis on preserving marriages, when the real issue is preserving families. Sure it is nice if you and your spouse feel romantic love for each other, but it is not essential for a happy family. The kids don't care whether your love for their other parent is romantic, or "sibling-like" or whatever, as long as you are both there and behave semi-decently.

Question?<BR>You can't Love your kids as a father or mother witout being together? You can't be apart and still be there for your kids?<BR>Its selfish of one to want the other to stay for guilt or for fear of having the kids taken away. You say grow up and be adults, well, be the best parent that you can be and learn to let go. The betrayed as well as the betrayer may find someone else whom they truly love and WILL be the one that they are in love with. Learn to let go, be the best parent that you can, and work with your ex to be the best for your kids.

I agree completely, Nellie1. So well said!

Bonnie and other man, Congrats on your success with your OP. My question to you is at what cost? Did it cost your family and friends great paing? If you have a rebellious teenager who is giving you problems, do you look for another child to love? I think sometimes the easy way out is looking for the greener grass instead of just using fertilizer on your own. I will totally agree that some marriages aren't meant to be, but at one time you both thought you were meant to be together for life. I just think it's the children who pay in the end, I would never stay married for the kids, but would definately think of them first........wouldn't you?

TryingAgain,<BR>Thank you.<P>other man,<P>Why do you consider it selfish to put the best interests of the kids first?<P>More than anything, the kids want to be with both of their parents, to do things as a family, to relate to their parents as children, not as guests. No, you can not be apart and have both parents still be there for the kids. That is like saying you can work an 80 hour week and still be there for your kids. Quality time requires quantity time.

Extremely interesting thread,<P> Had to stop by and throw in my two cents for what it's worth,<P> Bonnie, when you refer to the term "real love" with regard to the OP, I'm sure you can love more than one person at a time. I love my W, my kids, my dog, my cats, not real crazy about the fish but they don't make much noise or cause real problems so what the heck.<P> I remember something we {W and I} both vowed on or about July 22, 1994. It included something about love, honor and obeying till death do us part. I don't recall anything about "till I find someone else to replace the empty and neglected feelings that you can not fill for me." I know I was there, I have pictures.<P> I have also had many chances to cheat in this marriage. I have made the conscious decision to never go there. We, the ambulance crew, are in and out of hospitals and nursing homes all the time. I REALLY LIKE WOMEN IN WHITE. I'm not saying I have not been tempted but I screwed up in my first marriage and will be damned in Hell before that happens again. I'm not the prettiest crayon in the box, but I've had offers. Yes, they are flattering but I only truly love one person and it's my W. <P> New begining, I believe that for an affair to start the offended {the betrayer} can not, does not, or will not address the problems in the union. If they do it's a feeble attempt. My W tried to tell me there were problems. I changed my thinking and ways to accomadate her. I heard no more complaints. I thought I was on the right path. No, she just decided to keep her feelings in and see a "friend". She told me she tried to break it off {with the friend}. I don't think you lie to your spouse about your whereabouts and activities for two years. I don't think you break up with a "friend". I just wouldn't talk to them anymore. Tell 'em to go pound sand. It's about deceit to themselves and the one theyv'e plegded their life to.<P> Chris, you're next, I wouldn't compare the affair to a roller coaster. I think most of us are on that right about now. I'd say it's more like I'm {the betrayer} going to make you feel like dog vomit on the sidewalk on a hot summer day . I don't recall where I read this but it goes something like this. It takes two to sour a marriage, but only one to start an affair.<P> BB, MARRIAGE ISN'T A JOB!. It's an adventure, no wait, that's the Navy. Hey, be all you can be. The few, the proud. I didn't get out of college to find a bride. I dated and thought I found the "perfect match". Messed up the first round. Second round was going to be different. Boy was I right. <BR> <BR> Sorry if anyone is affended, I'm on Percocet, had surgery Wednesday and have been reading George Carlin.<P> Wishing us all the best.<P>Medic

Medic--<P>LOL LOL LOL !!!!!!<P>Fabulous, offbeat sense of humor. Thanks, I enjoyed reading that. Tell the hippy-dippy weather man I said hi.<P>------------------<BR>Laura<P>"I cannot care a little for you. I love you only just enough to love you all the way."~~Rod McKuen<BR>

Nellie, apparenetly you missread my post, I think that you should put the kids best interest first. This my last post, Goodluck everyone.

BonnieSept - I've had all kinds of fantasies about how I could be with the one I'm interested in. It's just infatuation. I've been cutoff this week and am sloely returning to reality.<P>You go Medic - BB is pretty darn callous comparing a marriage partner to a job. I suppose I know people who would compare marriage partners to underwear (assuming they change their underwear fairly often)<P>A marriage is a commitment -<P>BonnieSept - what confidence does your husband have that you won't be unfaithful to him? I know I wouldn't trust you.<P>Other man - Somehow we could only hope this would be your last post. But I doubt it will be.<p>[This message has been edited by BlindSided (edited August 21, 1999).]

To all of you on this thread who don't feel that breaking up is hard on the kids or that you can be a good part time parent. <BR>YOU MUST NOT HAVE KIDS WHO ARE HURTING! Last night my son who is 13 told another kid he wanted to kill himself. I found out from the other kids Mom. When I talked to him he said it's because he misses his Dad so much and he just wants him to come home. His Dad had just been here and spent 5 hrs with us. So if you think the kids arn't hurt by all of this selfishness you are WRONG!

CoW,<BR>I am so worried about him! Far too many teenagers follow through with their threats for far more minor reasons. Have you told your H what he said?<P>I have a 13 year old boy also, and he too is devastated by what his father has done. If you want to email me, my address is nelnab@hotmail.com.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Nellie1 (edited August 21, 1999).]

Blindsided,<P>Being in your first week of "recovery," I can understand that you're sensitive to the issues being discussed in this thread. Sorry for coming across not as soft as you would like.<P>Still, my point, whether "touchy-feely" or not, holds true. The first of anything is not by default the best. Yes, whether a job, friend or marriage partner.<P>The real world will back me up on this.

Ok people its time to wake up!!!!!!!!!! If you look at the rest of the world and forget about the US for a minute you will see that nowhere in the world is there as big a problem with divorse as here in home town USA. Now dont get me wrong I love my country that why I joined the USMC was to defend it and to give back what it has given to me. But the fact of the matter is that divorses happen in this country because it is too easy. In my personal experience and in those around me people stray from there spouces because of intimate or emotional problems. Now if someone is shallow enough to say ooh my wife/hus. has gained weight or has this little personal habit that I cant stand and strays for that reason they are not mature enough to be married to anyone. If you take the view of a historian which says that if something happens once it will cycle around and happen again, then you would realize that one how leaves a spouce for someone else lacks the disipline to be in a relationship and will probably repeat the same actions once the initial love/lust of a relationship. And he/she will leave once again. In this life it is possible to marry just about anyone and make it work. Now, I will admit it is less work with one person or another but it is none the less work. So if you think that you can have the perfect marriage without it your wrong and will be soooooooooooorly disappointed.