and I can't even blame H!!!! Just me.<P>Ok, here goes. I've been soooo very good since June 28th. Minimal lovebusters, tons of support and forgiveness. The last couple of weeks, I've really been down, even after the "good" talk, but especially since the "bad" talk. Actually realized it had more to do with me and all the problems I'm facing than him, sort of anyway.<P>This week has been H***! I've cried everyday and every night. Couldn't seem to pull myself together and then got upset because I couldn't. Still losing weight, still not sleeping. Haven't slept more than 2 or 3 hours in days.<P>Last night d was spending the night with a friend. Bought me a bottle of good wine - the heck with the electric bill, right? Never even opened it. Kept thinking of H's good friend who called and went into shock because he knew how much H loved us. Lonely, just plain lonely. At this point I would do almost anything for someone to just touch me, put their arms around me. Just hold on to me for a minute or two.<P>Walking around the house like a crazy woman, sobbing my heart out, crying out to God or whoever might listen(actually I think anyone in the state w/ a decent set of ears could've heard me!) Anyway, you've got the picture - crazy woman who's at the moment an absolute raving lunatic.<P>The things he's said to me running through my head a thousand words a minute. "You'll find someone else" just wouldn't go away. How dare him? Like a new puppy or something? Couldn't get mad, just kept getting more and more hurt the more I replayed the words. <P>Don't want to whine and vent here. (Ok, a moment of paranoia sneaks in and I feel stupid about complaining that I'm lonely, besides I stopped thinking straight days ago!) OK, so I'm gonna sit down and write. Get it out. I've been telling him we're ok. No problem. Starving to death, losing our home, losing my job, but "we're ok". So, I'll write it out. I'll tell him we're not. I'll tell him I KNOW he doesn't love her because he TOLD me so. I know he loves me because I see it in his eyes, feel it in his hugs. Tell him all the things I need to say to some real person who isn't here to listen. Tell him we're not ok. Yes it hurts. Yes I love and forgive him, but we're not ok. And here's why...Time to stand up and look at the truth. Anyway, you get the drift...<P>That was at 1:00 am. Took an hour or so. STILL couldn't calm down (by now I figure I'm having a breakdown). So, what do I do? I'm gonna write some more. So at 3:00, I sit down and off I go again. Should be a novel by now, right? An hour later, I've said almost everything I've been holding in for the last 5 months. Didn't call him any bad names, didn't even trash PT, said I felt sorry for her living with a man twice her age who thought she was "poor and stupid" (his words, remember), but I sure didn't spare the truth at all about what's going on here and my opinion of everything. Good therapy right?<P>Not in this state of mind, my friends. So what does this ding dong do next??? Wait and read these things again tomorrow, right? OHHHH, NOOOO!! No daughter home tonight. Let's jump in the car, run to the Post Office and put these suckers in the mail. Yup, sure did. Drove 25 minutes at 4:00 in the morning to put my life's story in the post office drop off. Like the biggest idiot in the world, crying my eyes out, I go mail every lovebuster in creation straight to PT's house addressed to my used-to-be-wonderful husband!<P>And there, my friends, is lesson number one on what NOT to do on a lonely Friday night!<P>Still haven't been to sleep. Can't believe what I've done. All that hard work......all those months......<P>Lori

You didn't threaten to kill him, did you? Or PT? <P>Okay, so big whoop, I say! So you let loose and spilled your guts. So you poured your heart out. So you sent it right to his door. So what? I say you did what you had to do. Now forget about it, take a bath, EAT something, and take some Niquil. Go to bed. Sleep.<P>You are not stupid, you are not bad, you are a saint in sheeps clothing who's worked her a** off and kept a sense of humor all this time. You are a good person with a heart of gold. You are a wonderful, wonderful woman. Now let this go.<P>Love and hugs<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

Hi, Sheryl, no, no death threats. My hand must've gotten tired before I got that far. Do you believe this? My self-righteous "Oh, Plan A's not that hard" ignorant self??? I finally cracked. Without even him here to crack me!!!! Now THAT'S talent, huh?<BR>Thanks for being there. I'm still wide open. Running on nerves, I guess. Wide slam open. We're lucky d's here or I'd be heading for the beach to confront in person! This is NOT the Lori I've known all these years.<P>Lori

Oh, yeah, forgot to mention it, wrote my MIL too. Her's wasn't so bad, but I cried on her shoulder as well. I'd better sleep tonight, no telling what damage I might do.<P>Lori

The Lori you've known all these years is very, very tired. That's okay. No place to take d?? I'd go to the beach, if possible. Get it over with. <P>I admire you so very much. Truly, you have been through enough. You've been very strong, plan a'ing it for much longer than I EVER could have. <P>Take care, Lori. Don't be too hard on yourself. <P>Think of PT out there toasting her fruit-filled butt off... that should help. <P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

Hi Lostva -<P>Well, I am glad that I checked in here quick!!!!<P>First off, RELAX....take some deep breaths....<P>How do you know that it's the worat thing ever and all that hardwork is for naught? Did it ever occur to you that this is what is supposed to happen and that the change from you might just push him that last couple of steps back home?<P>Think about it.....think of all he's said to you, family, etc. <P>the last phone call with him was moronic BS and you know it...<P>Why would this friend call NOW, Why would you reach a weak spot NOW....perhaps the powers that be are coming together in this mess!!!!<P>Remember his helping the needy "thing" - WEll, you and D NEED HIM!!!!! Maybe it didn't dawn on him - maybe he realized some of the emotionals with you but not the money and life realities of every day!!!<P>I think that between this friend and your letter...movement will be in the air....stop panicking or beating on yourself. You may have just helped the cause!!!<P>Lori, everyone's situation is different, in your's I REALLY DON'T THINK THIS WILL HURT!!!!<P>I think it's a good whack in the head at a good time for his brain to be rattled into place......<P>I am more concerned with you...I know the lonliness, boy - do I!!! WHY are you back to not sleeping and crying?<P>Is it mostly H, or work, money, etc? Or is it just plain being overwhelmed?<P>You have to step back from it all and breath, Hon!!! Everything will work out the way it is supposed to....There's not to much else for you to do but go with the flow...I know it sucks!!<P>What's the deal with the job - I had asked in the E you didn't get (BTW - got your 3am Nov.11 Email - about an hour ago...my mail is so messed up!!) Can you do anything with looking around for another? <P>WHAT would make things easier on you that you and/or D could set as a goal to work towards? <P>You have to get some of these thoughts out of your head....do like TNT and WS - put them in a box on a shelf!!! I did with some things and that combined with my earphones and cranking up the tunes, helped me get out of the sleeplessness and crying phase I had a few weeks ago.<P>IT WORKS!!!! But you have to do it...let go of thoughts that you cannot do anything about at the moment....<P>I care about you and I wish we lived just a little closer and could keep each other company on those awful lonely nights or days or whatever!!! <P>HUGS, STRENGTH, PRAYERS and LOVE,<P>Sheba

OKAY LORI,<BR> I was JUST ready to sign off!! Thank God I didn't!! MY turn. <BR> Slow down. Maybe this is what he needs. God does work in mysterious ways you know! I wouldn't call this "EVERY LB in the book" I CALL IT ONE LB. That's all ONE letter one LB. OK?<P> You didn't call him names. You didn't even call THAT BI*CH (I can call her anything I want) names. You told the truth. YOU TOLD HIM THE TRUTH. What's so bloody wrong with that? Like you said you've been sooo good for sooo long. You're entitled aren't you. So WHAT if you make one, REMEMBER ONE withdrawal. Maybe it will knock him off the fence to YOUR side. Isn't this what PT does to get HER WAY? <BR> ONE LOVEBUSTER DOES NOT A PLAN "A" BREAK.<P> You can still be nice when he calls. But my gut says WAIT for him to call and WAIT for him to start talking about it. DON'T let him off the hook TOO easy because THEN, he'll ignore Plan "B" IF (and I pray you won't have to) you need it. And, I'll be over in ten minutes to give you a hug!! I could use one too. {{{{{{{{{Lori}}}}}}}}}}} Is that how you do a hug?? YOU ARE AWESOME!!!!! FRANK<BR>

NB - You made me laugh. Just wondering what they're having for dinner tonight. Go to the beach....you just want to read about my duking it out w/ PT. I've never had a fight in my life and she just finished beating up someone about my age...maybe not a good idea.<P>Hi, Sheba - I hate your e-mail. Got the one that asked if I got the other one. Didn't!<P>I sure hope that there was some divine hand guiding all of this 'cause it sure feels like plain ole stupidity to me!!<P>I think I'm just tired and overwhelmed. A lot going on around here, just to keep surviving and no matter how much of it I try to tackle and solve, it just ain't workin'! Too many things to get into here and now. I'm usually pretty good at getting through stuff, but having a hard time this time for some reason. <P>I'm trying to let go. Don't know what's happening to me right now, been dealing with it a couple of weeks or more and can't quite figure it out. Almost scaring myself.<P>I wish you were closer to. H***, I'd give my right arm for a neighbor or someone w/in a few miles at this point (I live in the country). I don't think the isolation helping. Not one bit.<P>Hi, Frank. Got my t-shirt ready? Make that 2 letters - one at 1:00, one at 3:00, long and to the point, signed sealed and almost delivered!<P>I've only called him once this whole time - when d had her "episode" of trying to get him to come home. Since then, I'm just here when he calls or comes by - got nowhere else to be. Maybe I will go back to my Plan a and he'll just wonder who the crazy person was that wrote him this week!!!<P>Thanks for the hugs. I sure needed them. Don't feel particularly awesome tonight, though. <P>You doing ok?<P>Lori

Lori,<BR>Reading your post sent me back to when I did pretty much the same thing only I didn't send the letter (not enough strength). I think you did good by sending it no matter what you said and I also think years from now your H will still have that letter no matter what his reaction now. All of us have done exactly what you have done to one extent or another. A person can only have so much hurt. I know the desire to have someone hold you and tell you everything will be alright. Its a strong feeling, I still wish I could hold my W and her want me to.<BR>Hang in there, you have sent the letter now let the chips fall where they may. At least you don't have to keep up a facade anymore and he knows your feelings..... be strong Lori.<BR>mkn

Thanks, mkn. Nice to know I'm not alone. He may not even read them. Heaven help us if PT reads them first!!<P>Lori

Lori,<BR> Well only one to H (you can ask MIL not to tell?)<BR> I'm OK. Thanks for talking me down yesterday. You know Lori, I've got a REALLY good feeling about what you did. I think it will help BIG TIME. I don't know why. I just have a feeling.... I can't wait to hear. GOOD LUCK & PRAYERS & LOTS of HUGS!! FRANK

Lori,<BR> I with the others. Don't beat yourself up.<P> You've been so strong and understanding through all you've gone through. I think that maybe your H may be thinking that you don't need him as much as PT does; maybe this'll wake him up!! And, if PT <B>does</B> get the letter first, I'll bet it burns her buns to find out that he called her "poor and stupid"! Probably throw her into a <B>real</B> frenzy, huh? <P>

Lori,<P>You pobably don't remember... but you were one of the first to respond to my first few posts...<P>I <B>was</B> and <B>still am</B> impressed with you! <P>You have been through so much... for soooo long... <B>Never</B> put yourself down... actions may <I>or may not</I> be appropriate... but you are good... kind... forgiving... and I think every man's dream of a loving wife... If your H can't see it... a letter like the one you sent is needed (every once in a while)... <P>Love yourself a little.... (scratch that... A LOT!) <BR>We all love you... <P>Prayers coming your way...<P>Jim

Lori,<P>How long did you think you could stay the 'Rock of Gilbralter'?<BR>Everyone of the things you are going through right now, individually, would send most people into the crazy bin. But you, you just take what is given to you, and keep your head up, your spirits up and give wonderful, caring advice to others.<BR>Sending those letters is the best thing for you. It was time to get those feelings out. <BR>Now, you need to stop thinking about it and TAKE CARE OF LORI!!!<BR>You know that I love you. You have become a very special friend to me.<BR>You are in my prayer, my dear.<P>Cheryl

Double<p>[This message has been edited by Connor (edited November 13, 1999).]

Hi, lostva. I had to respond, because I feel <B> so </B> strongly that you should not feel as if this was a LB or mistake, why shouldn't your husband know your feelings? Why is it that you have to put on a facade to placate him? You seem like such a strong and head-on-straight type of person, and I think you did the right thing! He needs to realize the truth of what you've had to deal with, and what emotions you're struggling with. I guess I have a little bit of a hard time trying to understand why the betrayed has to pretend as if there is nothing wrong and hold back all of their emotions, I couldn't do it!<P>Your feelings about this are not wrong, and there is nothing wrong with letting your H know how you feel, and how wrong you feel it is. I think you did a good thing here, by letting him know!

You guys are great! Opened that bottle of wine tonight. Might not be my best move, but maybe I'll sleep. Something's got to slow me down!!!<P>Hi Frank! Nope, two to H. One to MIL. When I do it, I do it right! I'm glad some of you guys have a good feeling about this one. I've been beating myself up all day long (when I SHOULD have been cleaning and doing laundry!) Oh, well. Thanks for the prayers and the hugs. They are much appreciated.<P>Sweetpea - Thanks a lot. He actually told me that. He thought I was strong, I'd be fine. My mom has money, even more once my dad's estate is settled. He knows it not mine or available, but he felt like she'd come through in the end. Ain't gonna happen. I was thinking that Sweetie getting the letters was a BAD idea - maybe not!!<P>NSR - I've been keeping up with you. All my friends actually, just haven't had much to say lately (wouldn't know that by reading my posts, now would you?!) I guess 5 months isn't that long, but when you combine it w/ other stuff, I guess i deserve a little craziness. Thanks for the compliment. Precious few of those these days. And thanks even more for the prayers.<P>Cheryl - "Rock of Gilbralter"???? PUHLEEZE!! You are such a Sweetheart. OK, I'm working on it....I'll e-mail you.<P>Conner - It's weird, ya know? My dad's favorite saying (one of them anyway) "Do what you have to do when you have to do it" no excuses!! (I can almost hear him now!) And I'm a carbon copy of him. I've worked so hard to Plan A just like I'm supposed to, even long distance. I HATE screwing up! Thanks for the encouragement.<P>Lori

Lostva,<BR> I don't know your whole situation but reading the replies from the people who do you probably shouldn't worry. Sometimes it is best just to take care of yourself and do something that makes YOU feel better, and if that helped you at the time then maybe it was the best thing to do.<P>------------------<BR>NICOLE<P>

Thanks, Nicole. I know you're going through a tough time right now too. Your thoughts and support really help. You hang in there, too, ok? It WILL get better (but be ready for the roller coaster ride!)<P>Lori

Lori,<P>You have so much cr@p going on right now. Cut yourself some slack! You're overburdened with your marital problems, raising your D alone, financial strain and job worries, too. And you are JUST starting to crack!!!!<P>You are STRONG. BUT, you need a rest. I agree with Sheba - put a few things in a mental box and place them on the shelf for a little while.<P>I would not be so concerned about those letters. God works in mysterious wasys. Whose to say those letters might not plant a seed in you H's head as to how much you and D are really not getting along so wondefully without him. At this point, it might not be a bad idea for him to see and know the truth, even if it isn't sugar-coated and causes him more pain.<P>I think it is differnet when we say, write or do things that are mean-spirited. Entirely different to feel 110% overloaded and to dump some of that on your H. After all, you are only human, and naturally would want to share your deepest distresses with the person you love the most - your H.<P>Don't think you've blown it. You never know -this may turn out to be the best thing you ever did! And, even if he does get upset, well sometimes it just can't be helped. Although we are all commited to supporting and loving our S through these most difficult times, sometimes our own needs come first.<P>Go to sleep! Scarlett, tomorrow is another day...<P>Roll Me Away<p>[This message has been edited by Roll Me Away (edited November 13, 1999).]