The last couple of days have been kind of hard. My H has been having a lot of mood swings and if I don't deal with them all on an even level he gets upset. I try to be supportive but some parts of me are feeling "well you made your bed...". I know that isn't a very loving thought but hearing him talk about how much he misses her hurts me. It is hard to be compassionate to his needs in this when his hurt makes me hurt. I don't know if that makes a lot of sense or maybe it just makes me sound self pitying. I don't know. Any advice on how I can help him through this would be great.<P>------------------<BR>NICOLE<P>

OK, Nicole, here comes your greatest supporter! One of them anyway. Haven't had the chance to practice it yet, but there are few things you need to remember.<P>He IS in withdrawal. Think of it as an addiction. Just as an addict (drugs or alcohol) "made their own bed" so did he. But he did, and now he's having to withdraw, just as if he were on drugs. <P>It's a terrible thing, and terribly unfair, but for right now, you cannot lovebust. He's got to get through this before he can move on. Encourage him. Show him you believe in him. Expect to be put off and expect him to be short-tempered. It will get better.<P>I guess you need to look at it this way. You have been the one betrayed. You have been the one deceived and you are having to put up with the crap. But the payoff will come. In the form of a loving husband and a wonderful marriage. Your day will come. The payoff is worth it, no matter how unfair it is. Right now, you've got to be the strongest one. He's suffering too. And it's taking all he's got to get through it.<P>Good luck, Nicole. It's a hard road and a crazy ride. But you guys will get through it. I can feel it.<P>Lori

Nicole,<P>Try your best to just be level and normal as possible (what's Normal????). Anyway, if your own needs well up and take precedence, then they just do. Try your best and that's the all anyone can do. If you lovebust, get over it and just keep trying. Remember that there is little you can do to help during this time, but there is alot of damage you can do by not being supportive.<P>GOOD LUCK!!!!!!<P>Roll Me Away

Thanks, I WILL try. I kind of had an idea of what to expect but it is a bit than I anticipated. Any prayers would be appreciated.<P>------------------<BR>NICOLE<P>

Prayers and hugs to you!<P>((((((((Nicole)))))))))<P>Lori

Nicole: I know what you are going through because I have been experiencing the same things too. One night my husband finally opened up to me. He was crying and quite upset. While I was thinking his depression was from missing the OW, I found out he was depressed about what he had done. How stupid he was and how he can't even look himself in the mirror. (Although I am sure part of it is his withdrawal from the OW, he never admitted that but he would spare my feelings) It did make me feel better to know the source of his depression and help me to build him up again. It sure does get hard at times because I feel he should be making this all up to me. But I know it is the right thing to do. How can he love me when he can't love himself or understand how anyone else can? Blessings! Joni

Joni, <BR> Welcome to the forum. You will get a lot of support and encouragement here. <BR> I don't know if my husband is quite where yours is yet. He feels bad that he hurt me but sees no wrong in what he did outside of that. It is a difficult thing to hear. <BR> I love him and want things to work for us, it's just very difficult right now. I want him to be happy but I'm not sure I can make him happy. He has been extra critical the last couple of days, and I feel like I will never "measure up". <P>------------------<BR>NICOLE<P><p>[This message has been edited by untallnikba (edited November 15, 1999).]

Nicole,<BR>Making it through withdrawal is really tough for you and your h. Right now you really need to detach yourself from the situation. Don't get emotional, don't look to receive anything from your h right now. You will have to give and give. My h told me that before disclosure and during withdrawal, he was looking for every little thing he could find to be critical of me. I think that was his way of justifiing his behavior. Trust me, this is awful. I read in your bio that h works with ow. My advise would be for him to start looking for another job. As long as there is contact, those feeling that he has will only remain at the forfront of his mind. Dr. Harley says that everytime there is contact, withdrawal starts all over again and it sounds like that is a daily activity with your h.<P>Remember that there is nothing you can do to "change" your h, but you can change yourself and in doing that change the response you get from h. Work on yourself during this time. Develop a network of support from a close friend that you can vent to. In finding a friend, it is important to find one that is totally loyal to you, but will not trash your h. Many people will tell you to dump the bum and that is not what you need to hear. Talk to people that will support your marriage. Family is usually not at good idea because they want to defend you to the end <P>Good luck, trust God!<BR>

Derby,<BR> Thank-you for your respose. I agree with you about having a friend to vent to. I do have one and have borrowed her ear on many occasions in the last month. I also agree that family would not be good at this point. I don't want my parents opinion of or attitude towards my husband to change. Altough they have experienced infidelity (my mom had a 10 year affair with my dad's bussiness partner. They divorced and 9 years later reconciled and are rebuilding a life together.) it is a different thing when your "little girl" is the one that has been and is still being hurt.<BR> I know that it is going to be difficult most days and detatchment is hard for me but I guess I just have to keep looking to the (hopefull not too distant) future. <P>------------------<BR>I am holding my heart out to you and ask only that you receive it and give me yours in return.<BR>Nicole<p>[This message has been edited by untallnikba (edited November 15, 1999).]