I'm feeling... well... the only way I can describe it is "bitter" tonight. Yes, my H is home. I should be grateful, right? But he doesn't want to be here, has basically said he's just biding his time until after the holidays. He came home because I majorly lovebusted and said I'd tell something that would get him in big trouble, but I can't repeat it here. I'm not trying to be coy, but it would lovebust all over again to write it. Occasionally he comes here, and I don't want to add to the already negative feeling. Anyway, the point is, today he told me that that's the only reason he's here. Not because he loves me, not because he wants to work on the marriage, not because he has a sense of family or anything else. I tried to touch him today, hold his hand... anything to just be kinda close. He doesn't want me. He's confused (which I totally understand - me too). <P>Now, you all know I am recently the betrayer, but that I was also betrayed by him. I guess I thought that he would snap back like I had to when he cheated. Silly me. Because, get real, we're not all the same! Duh! Did I realize the magnitude of my affair before? Of course, and have felt horrid guilt and shame for it. I have somehow managed to work with OM, even though I want out, and my recent illness has proven my effort to get the hell out of Dodge City (my way of saying the place where OM and I have to work). I am so sick, and so tired. <P>It would <B>ALL</B> be WORTH IT if I thought for even one minute that we can make it. I'm doubting it now. I really am.<P>I know that posting on a Saturday night is not gonna get me a lot of replies. I don't know what I want anymore. It's early, my H has gone to bed without me. Last week he went to "his" church without me (I wasn't invited) and I found out today that he's making other plans at "his" church for over the weekend. We already don't see each other all week. I have asked that we visit churches together and find one for both of us. I have asked that he not make weekend plans without considering me because we don't see each other for more than those two days all week. Here's what it seems like: <B>he's planning his life without me while he's still with me </B>. <P>It hurts.<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by new_beginning (edited November 14, 1999).]

Sheryl,<BR> I love my betraying wife dearly. So Ipray for her constntly. Read my latest post. My sister-in-law devised aprayer,"GOD give her no peace until she lives in Your will".<P>A pryer for myself is <BR>GOD, grant me the serenity <BR>to accept the things <BR>I cannot change, <BR>Courage to change the<BR>things I can, and the <BR>wisdom to know the difference. <BR>Living ONE DAY AT A TIME;<BR>Enjoying one moment at a time; <BR>Accepting hardship as the <BR>pathway to peace. <BR>Taking, as He did, this<BR>sinful world as it is, <BR>not as I would have it. <BR>Trusting that He will make<BR>all things right if I <BR>surrender to His Will; <BR>That I may be reasonably happy<BR>in this life, and supremely <BR>happy with Him forever in <BR>the next. Amen <BR>Reinhold Neibuhr-1926 <P>I hope these give you some peace they do me.<P>Thanks,

Oh Sheryl,<P>My heart goes out to you. I am so sorry that things are not going well. I wish I could say something that will make you feel better, but I am so new to this pain we are sharing, that I don't have a clue. <P>Since I have been coming here, you have been the one to help everyone else. I know that someone will respond soon to give you some more support. I am here if you want to talk.<P>mitme101 on yahoo messenger and aol im<P>I will pray for both of you.<BR>God Bless you and yours,<P>Sheryl W.

Thank you William. I accept this prayer in the spirit in which is what offered...<P>Frankly, it's a bit difficult to jump into believing this tonight, but I will save it and print it. Maybe tomorrow it will bring some peace, but tonight I'm just so.... oh, I don't know... just tired of the whole thing.<P>But honestly, thank you.<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

Hi to a Sheryl who knows how to spell her name! <P>Thank you for the caring response. I know I am among friends here. I posted something earlier this evening, and I could read my anger in the words, thought I should post something myself soas not to inject negativity into someone elses life. I'm a mess... <P>Thank you again for your reply.<P><BR>PS: if CeeCee drops by - not to say that your Cheryl isn't right... sheesh! I must be ovulating I'm so sensitive right now! <BR>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by new_beginning (edited November 14, 1999).]

{{{{{{{{{{new_beginning}}}}}}}}}}<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR>I believe in miracles...<BR>

NB<BR>It's late and my brain is mush. I have so may things I would like to say but they won't come out straight. Just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you.<BR>Earlier this evening I looked around and remembered where I was a year ago. <BR>Dear girl - I was planning my future without H even though I was unaware at that time that he was in the middle of his affair.<BR>Now a year later I am married to the man I never thought could appear. I was thinking of you all and realizing that those miracles really do happen. You know I have thought it impossible. The thing that came to my head was no matter what - "this too shall pass".<BR>Just one of those sayings but now I understand the real meaning. Even though sometimes it seems that this is all we will ever live, there is an end to this pain.<BR>Okay I'm rambling again aren't I?<BR> Just wanted you to know I'm there. I thank you for your prayers and response on my thread and I have a special prayer for you tonight!!

HI SHERYL,<BR> OK, I don't understand this because I would be walking on air if my W came back with the dedication you have CLEARLY shown. <P> However, my W isn't back. So how do I really know HOW I would actually treat her when she does come back?<P> I'm thinking of all the pain and anger I've SUPPRESSED to try to do a perfect Plan "A" <BR> Will it surface AFTER she is back?<BR> The VERY IDEA of infidelity I think is harder for a man to deal with (HOLD ON EVERYONE hear me out!!) only because that men are such FOOLS when it comes to relationships. We REALLY don't have a clue! It's mostly about sex for a man. That's how we have learned to separate the difference between a woman "friend" and a lover.<BR> I think (at least from my perspective) that the EMOTIONAL betrayal is the hardest part for a MAN to deal with.<BR> Sure the sex part drives us crazy!! But the fact that our SP have this "soul mate" thing for the OM, well, that's the part that REALLY hurts. Because DEEP down to a man "sex is sex" you know, if you don't eat you starve, if you don't drink you dehydrate and if you don't have sex, YOU GO CRAZY!!<BR> Really just a bodily function, a NECESSITY!! <BR> A single man can have sex with ANYTHING that moves! Basically a, "Any port in a storm" mentality. <BR> While it's VERY rare that a woman can touch a MAN's mind and heart. <P> So, I tried ACTUALLY imagining my W back. I think I may say/feel the SAME things your H is saying. Not because I MEAN them, but because being a MAN and basically being made up of a penis and a HUGE competitive MASS of EGO.<BR> I would want my W to feel withdrawal from ME TOO!!<BR> In other words, I think I would need her to be in an environment that would have her FIGHTING for me as hard as she did for OM and missing me as much as she missed OM.<BR> Get it? He must have seen you withdraw from OM and post here of your pain in missing OM. FIGHT FOR HIM NOW. I think that's what he needs. Otherwise, how can he be REALLY sure you won't just start up with OM again? Make any sense? I know what you're thinking Sheryl, WHY DIDN'T HE DO THAT FOR ME? Well, do you have a penis driven competitive ego? It's tough sometimes!!! LUCK HUGS AND PRAYERS FRANK<P>------------------<BR>desperate<BR>"If yesterday didn't stop today, Why should TODAY stop tomorrow??" <BR>"Wisdom is why!!"<P>

terri,<P>thank you for the hugs... need them tonight!<P>wasstubborn,<P>don't worry, my brain is mush too. I've said "this too shall pass" about a million times over the last year. I'm not so sure anymore. Again, maybe it's just a phase or something. I don't know. Wish I did. See? Now I'm rambling...<P>frank,<P>thanks for the pep talk...but... I don't want to fight for him anymore. At least, not tonight. Maybe tomorrow. Ya know, there are two of us here, and I'm tired... I used to say to my H, "look at all these people plan a'ing it and trying to love their spouses back, I wish you would try to love me back" and he would say "sorry, can't do it, you cheated and how am I suppose to do that?"... so, you can see that I am one confused and messed up cookie tonight. I want <B>him</B> to fight. I'm just too tired again. Plus, I'm not suppose to have anymore stress <B>HA!</B>. I just kept him from going out for a walk and it's 11:38...nearly midnight, bad streets here, no lights, he's tired... I don't know. I jsut don't know, and am beginning not to care.<BR><P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

Oh, Sheryl, my friend, I am SOOOO sorry. I can't believe I missed this last night! <P>You've been working so hard to pull things together. <P>You know I believe in the same miracles that Wassi was talking about. But I do realize that you're tired. You've had a hard time lately, you feel like crap and you need a break. You deserve one, too.<P>Take it. Just for a while. Look inside yourself and realize just how wonderful you are. Get some rest if you can. <P>You'll find your way. No matter what that way is. But remember, this isn't played out yet. You're both scared and hurt. That makes connecting really hard.<P>Find some peace for now. And remember that we all love you.<P>((((((((((Sheryl))))))))))<P>Lori

Sheryl,<P>Both you and your H have gone through a lot lately. This may be one of MANY setbacks on th eroad to recovery. You know it is seldom a straight shot out of hell.<P>You are both mentally and physically exhausted right now - so much cr@p with the affair, still having to see and work with OM, you and your H trying to regain some footing, your illness....blah, blah, blah ad nauseum. This could just be OVERLOAD, on his part.<P>After all, how much emotional strain can ANY of us take??? We are all going through these cycles of pain and disillusionment. Why should you or your H be different? In a way, I think it is to be expected. The road to recovery from ANYTHING is always fraught with potholes.<P>I guess you'd figure once the decision was made to stay together that things could only go uphill from there. Well, yes, but the road is still long and winding. At this point, I would not put a lot of credence in what your H is saying. Didn't you just a week ago say YOU were giving up?? It is the fatigue and strain that' getting you 2 beat down into the ground. <P>A humble suggestion: give yourself a whole week where you don't bring up anything about your relationship. Just try to be friends and lay off the heavy stuff. You guys need the emotional break in a realloy big, bad way. Take the week to not even THINK about all this if there is any way possible ofr you to do so, and H as well. Enjoy your kids and focus on them - they probably would enjoy some extra attention.<P>Keep your faith that no matter what happens, God is with you and others truly care about both your happiness and your wellbeing!<P>Roll me Away

Lori,<P>I wrote this so late last night that it's no wonder you missed it! I went to bed at around 1:00... H woke me this morning trying to get "close" and after everything from yesterday (and before) it really ticked me off. Not baby steps, mind you, but the whole big thing. I'm like, "hey, what the he*l are you doing? You didn't even so much as touch my hand or say anything kind to me and now you want THIS?". Then I find out that he read what I posted and that's what this was about. He felt bad after the fact... and his idea of fixing things is to, well.. uh, you know. Needless to say, bad morning.<P>RMA,<P>I agree with your humble suggestion. In fact, I just told my H that I want to do just that - no talking about it, no dealing with it, for a whole week. My stomach is killing me, I've already cried this morning, and I'm frankly sick of the whole thing. Yes, two weeks ago it was over in my mind. It isn't much better than that right now, and over the last two weeks it hasn't been good, by any means. So, really not much difference, if you ask me.<P>I apologize for being so negative. Doesn't help anyone, does it? I was sitting in bed thinking this morning - and I realized that it has been a full year since I began to realize the depth of my unhappiness, and I am wondering if this can be done at all.<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

Sheryl,<P>Well, here I am, with misspelled name and all! You made my LOL!<BR>Honey, you are tired and not feeling well and well, you need a break.<BR>I know that you are struggling right now. I wish I could wave a magic wand and take ALL your pain away.<BR>You have shown such courage, such strength, such wisdom in the midst of all that you are going through.<BR>You need to rest. You need to take care of Sheryl. If your H is being unresponsive to you, well, let him be. You are both confused right now. You are both healing. <BR>These things take a great deal of time. I don't know what else to tell you, except I pray for you, for your health, for your H and for your family.<BR>I know I say this alot, but God does have a plan for you, for all of us who believe. He will show you the way. That is His promise to His children.<BR>I hope you get some much needed rest.<BR>Please take care of yourself.<P>God bless,<P>Cheryl

Thank you Cheryl, and I agree that God has a plan for me - a blueprint, if you will. I just keep erasing the lines and writing my own in... stupid, huh??<P>If only I could just let go... man, I don't want to hit rock bottom to do it either... <P>Glad I made you laugh... I'm always saying "my name is Sheryl with an S" 'cause yours is the way they always spell it otherwise <P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

Sheryl,<P>No, it is not stupid that you keep erasing God's blueprints. It's called being HUMAN.<P>As for hitting rock bottom, well, the good news about the bottom ,is there is absolutely no where else to go but up. I look at hitting rock bottom, as a way to start anew. kind of like chopping down a big oak tree and planting a seedling in it's place.<BR>I am praying for you, my dear friend. May God give you peace and much needed rest right now.<P>Cheryl<p>[This message has been edited by ceecee (edited November 14, 1999).]

Well, his timing and method left a bit to be desired, but, hey, he tried! OOPs, sorry. I'd give him a E for effort this morning!<P>Good for you two. Take some time away from thinking, just be with each other. Rest - a lot to get yourself well and tone down the sensitivity for both of you.<P>You'll be ok. You have what it takes. Hang in there, OK??<P>(((((((((Sheryl))))))))))<P>Lori

He's royally pissed at me right now because of this morning, so I'm not sure if it will help or hinder not to talk about it. But thing is, I'm not going to talk about it. I tried to tell him "baby steps"... just hold me without wanting more in return. He can't do it, he says. He was so angry he didn't go to church, and now blames me. I honestly feel like I can't win here.<P>If I counted the amount of times over the last year that it was "over" in my mind... 20-30 times. This gets very, very old.<P>Thanks for the hugs... I need them this morning!<BR><P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

So take about 20 more then. I got plenty. Not much for brains right now, but lots and lots of hugs!!!<P>Sorry - H just called me. Leaves me in a tizzy. Very weird conversation.<P>Other strange stuff too.<P>Lori

Lori,<P>What? What happened???<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

Nothing earth shattering, I don't guess. Can't post it though, I don't think. Don't worry. Just a lot more strangeness in my strange little life. <P>Lori