My husband is addicted to addrenalin, hense the affairs with young married women... He workes in an ER... he surfs big waves...he refuses to grow up, even if we did learn to communicate with each other, my life and the responsibility of our 4 children are too important to risk my life... he is a doctor and has had unprotectd sex... go figure... I am lost. We are truly on a stage and merely players..actors, and I am afraid...one month now and after 15 years of marriage...I learned of 5 yeaars of infidelity..but the sex is not nice..it is "nasty" painful, stuff I am not into...and will never want to impose my soul...he is into "on the edge" and that for me is not love. Where do I go from here? How can I compete with those that do not value their lives? I have been raped at 5 years of age ...think I got over that...had 4 beautiful 160+ IQ kids...talented lithe and gorgeous...got ran over by a drunk driver, coded twice...look damn good for all the plastic surgery, don't limp, despite bone fusions, actually I am at 45 "hit on" often by 25 year old lovelies...so I know it isn't my lack of self hygiene etc...I have never kissed another man other than my husband... I have waited and waited.. for him to come to his senses...but now...now I know he is nuts! And as for this forum? I refuse to take responsibility for his insanity! Co-dependant? bull... it is called for better or for worse and we are victims not enabelers and I resent that implication! I don't want another man... I hate reproductive organs! Give me a eunick!!! Please! I have had the kids...they are great .. trust is for fools...this putting back marriage is for those poor victims who are ready to take on more vulnerability and guilt... <P>Forget it if my husband was there for ME making my needs met...he wouldn't have been able to get out the door! Don't buy into this martyr complex...you have suffered enough!<P>I am taking each day as it comes...my husband does not want a divorce...I guess not! Who else would: educate the children, clean the house, do his financials, do the taxes, be the handiman, take his abuse, and blame it all on the fact that as an ER doctor he has so much stress.... that he just needs to screw married nurses? Yeah, the perfect wife.

love?<P>Your post is hard for me to make sense of, but you're clearly in a lot of pain.<P>Your husband appears to have an addictive personality, and is probably suffering from sexual addiction. He's not going to come to his senses without lots of professional help.<P>Your lovebank is pretty empty. I'd suggest that you take the kids and separate from him. If that doesn't jolt him into action, divorce. <P>You should also be doing some counseling to deal with your situation, and your anger and grief.

I am sorry for what you are going thru, you obviously deserve better than this. i don't know what advice to offer here, but I want to say that I hope you find some happiness in your life. You deserve it, we all do. Take care<p>[This message has been edited by patty co (edited August 20, 1999).]

I'm with K, you probably should separate and see if that shock works... even then a LOT of work for your H for sure.<BR>

Love? -<P>Gosh, I am so sorry you're stuck in the middle of all this mess!!!<P>Just because H doesn't want a divorce does that mean that you're not getting one yourself?<P>Obviously, he believes that there is absolutely nothing wrong with him or his actions, right? So I would suppose that any kind of counseling would be out of the question?<P>Geez, what are you doing for you, through all of this? How is it effecting the kids? You and them are the number one priority and what they're seeing and learning is very damaging. Besides all the damage to you!!<P>How can I help, what can I do to ease this nightmare for you?<P>I am here - just let me know!!<P>A Big Hug,<P>Sheba<BR>

Gee I didn't think anyone would have read my mess...Yes I am sick..I am getting counceling, and my children are embarrassed by their father...he is really screwed up, and I figured that I could get counceling and make it all better... but love isn't hurt and that is messed up in my husbands mind..even sex needs to hurt to be "good"...guess I wasn't into htat enough...yes I think a seperation is necessary. Wow someone other than a paid person listened to me! <P>My daughters are very distraught...their mother has been berated for so long they have waited for me to stand up for myself...it took Herpes and other VD and some doctors that cared about my "wasting away" to kick me in the butt....Hooray I am now 103 lbs!!!! Seriously! this is big stuff as they the docs wanted to do cancer studies on me...that scares me...<P>It is amazing what stress can do to a body. I really was very pretty a while ago..really, and I thought I was loved too. It really isn't my fault. I was here waiting. I was honestly worried that he needed to do his charts and that he shouldn't drive so far back home and that the hotel was safer for him...he had to work the next day...12 hour shifts in the ER are so hard! I know I did them...I gave up my medical carreer to be a mom and a homeschooler etc...<P>I have lost myself and I am scared. I know I will never trust again and that is so sad. I really did want it all.<P>Now somedays I just want to sleep forever. He stole my life.

love? -- I just read you story, then had to go read your profile. My W and I both work in a hospital, and she works in the ER. I'm so glad you don't live near me. <P>Seriously, I was an EMT for 6 years, and during that time I too was very much an adrenalin junky. I can understand your not being willing to endanger your children's well being in order to give your H wants he wants.<P>If you aren't able to get your H to work with you, then perhaps a seperation is necessary in order to wake him up. I don't say that lightly, since my W walked out on me at one point, but I think this may be an option you need to consider.<P>Unfortunately, I really can't give you any other advice, but I will be praying for you.<P>God Bless