My long history is in the posts listed Truth or Lies parts I and II. I will summerize here for those that don't have time to read the lengthy background. Early 99 wife says she is unhappy with marriage I don't pay attention, make her an equal etc. We all know the story. I find out for the last 8 months she has been talking with OM for 1 to 3 hours a day when I am not around.<P>Three weeks ago she confesses to an EA with other man. For two days things are very good and she seems like her oldself. Last 12 days have been back to distant person and major withdrawel. Have had conversations the last week where she has said that her feelings are dead and that she is scared that she won't be able to get any good feelings of love for me back.<P>Tells me she has felt this way for a long time even before the EA. In fact that the EA even though she says that she was infacuated with this guy has nothing to do with where she is at in her mind. Her I thought we had turned the corner with disclosure and now we are back to square one.<P>She tells me she loves me and her heart aches because I am a good person. That is why it bothers her that she can't have these feelings for me. Man I read these boards and they all have the same tone. Wife/husband says they don't love spouse as much anymore. OM/OW usually invloved. Sometimes they wake up and other times they don't. Anyone have good advice her. I have been plan Aing for 8 months though we are just 3 weeks into disclouser.

Zip - I don't have any good advice except that it sometimes takes a long long time. And if she's been seeing and talking with someone all this time, your Plan a-ing wasn't doing all that it could, she wasn't open to it.<P>Continuing to carry on an ea DOES affect the way you feel about your spouse - although the betrayer ALWAYS says it doesn't - until it's over anyway.<P>Wishing you luck and sending you hugs.<P>Lori

Hi Zip,<P>Wondered how you were doing. Thought things might be going well since the truth seemed to be coming out. I don't have much time here but a couple thoughts.<P>First, I think withdrawal can take a very, very long time. A lot of spiritual growth needs to happen for the betrayer. I think they need to think everything through very carefully and deliberately. This usually goes on in their head and hopefully, eventually leads to a new and better understanding of who they are and what happened to them. <BR>Second, there is a lot of sadness too, for the betrayed for sure but I am thinking of the betrayer. I think your wife will need to grieve the loss of her special, albeit inappropriate relationship with OM<BR>Third, it seems to me that a strong emotional need that was being met by OM had to do with a shared interest in children and child-raising. They shared a mutual interest and activity. More involvement there on your part might be a start.....<BR>Just some thoughts.

Zip,<P>I actually think you and W have made some progress, although it doesn't feel that way. She has finally disclosed. Part of that may be that she is JUST realizing the relationship with OM as an EA. That means she is thinking and processing and that is ALWAYS good. The betrayer can't even beging to move forward without some understanding of what has happened. Why would she want to quit something, if she doesn't even recognize and admit to the EA?<P>The part about her not loving you - sorry to say, it goes with the territory. Well, love changes. She loved you once, now she may feel she loves OM, but later she may come to love you again. I was the betrayer in an EA 2 years ago, and today I love my H as much as when I first married him. Unfortunatley, he is in an ongoing affair and feeling differently about me (loves me, but not inlove with me). I know that can change, too, and that is why I haven't given up on him, yet.<P>Keep up the PlanA. As long as she is showing any progress and willingness to work on things, you have nothing to lose. Really, I do think this is a major step forward for her and you.<P>Good luck,<BR>Roll Me Away

It seems like she has down played the effects of EA for now which bothers me. I know it must have an affect on her mind but she says this is all about us right now and nothing to do with the EA. Who knows the EA may have been full blowen but I may never know that.<P>I agree it is good that we are talking and she is sharing this her feelings with me. Albeit they are very hard to hear. I mean who wants to hear someone tell them that they really don't love them. She did say something about maybe needing to work on herself some but dropped it. I thought that was a good step.<P>So if I am doing Plan A and getting nowhere. How do you break the cycle of the EA. I know she must still feel the need to reach out to OM and may still be doing that. What is the best way to break that off? Have already confronted everyone and their brother. <P>For someone that has been in an EA I have this quesion. 3 weeks ago my wife told me of the EA. That weekend prior to telling me about the EA on Sunday she was great like my old wife. That has all changed over the last three weeks. She has become much more distant and withdrawen. Someone above said she is processing information or feelings, which she says are really hurting her. Thanks for all the tips and knowledge. I will have to keep plugging away. One thing that is really strange through all this is that you really do become a stronger and better person. I think all of us will agree with that.<P>I think when you really reach the point of being able to accept any actions by your spouse is when you know you are where you need to be. If any of that makes sense.<BR>

Zip. To answer your question about how to break the cycle?<BR>YOU can dio nothing. SHE has to want to and commity to doing what it takes to break it off for good. I had an EA, so I speak from experience. All you can do is be nice and when and if she ends it, you give her something and someone wonderful for her to come home to.<P>She may have slipped up with the OM and be feeling some major guilt. Or she may NOT be continuingon with him and feeling withdrawal. Try to see if she will open up and share where she is now. Expect some slipups on the way, even if she is trying to end it.<P>Yes, it is very hard and frustrating to hear her say she has feelings or is inlove with someone else. Yep, we've all heard that one! Sorry, but for her right now, it probably is true. Be nice and as understanding as possible. She is hurting, too, believe it or not. Be empathetic - it may well pay off for you in the long run.<P>Roll Me Away

Hey Zip,<P>I'm not in a very good place myself right now, so take this in the spirit it is given (which is caring and I'm trying to help):<P>LOVE HER NO MATTER WHAT SHE SAYS<P>You are doing the right things so far. It may feel like you've taken a step back, but it doesn't seem like it to me. I know how she feels, she's scared because she doesn't love you like she "should" and she loves this other guy (fantasy, fantasy, fantasy) in a way that she didn't think was possible a year ago. Remember, your W's story parallels mine. <P>If you stop now, you only push her closer to the OM and the feelings she has for him. <P>You're doing great... and she's <B>feeling something</B> for you... can you see it? She does. She's afraid, and that's okay. It may not be "in love" but that's okay too. For now. Baby steps. Remember. I have a good feeling about you two.<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

Sheryl,<P>Thanks for the input. Have you ever read a book called Torn Asunder. It is by far the best book that I have read about affairs for both sides. It is excellent. Go get it and it might help you understand your pain. Sounds like you are struggling also and are a good person. You are doing all the work to try and understand your feelings.<P>I am glad someone thinks that we are taking baby steps. I wish she would come to me and say man I really miss OM can you help me get through this right now. That is when I know we will have turned the corner. But we are not there yet it is still about the past. To everyone that is going through something like this get that book. It will help explain what everyone is feeling.<P>One other thing my wife hates the OM's wife right now. Says that she has real problems and this was a person that was one of her friends. Does anyone see a pattern

Hi Zip,<P>I think I've read that book, have to go look... I've read so many books over the course of the years. I was a Christian when my H cheated, and read everything I could get my hands on. Did the same over the years, trying to rekindle... and now, of course, have read a few "Surviving the Affair" type books. I hope you're right and this is a passage of our marriage. It feels like the end. <P>I have a really GOOD feeling about you two... she's rounding the bend. But, don't expect her to tell you about missing the OM. I could never say that to my H. I read in "STA" about one man who watched his W curl up into the fetal position and cry her eyes out for days while in withdrawl. My H told me if I did that he'd leave me on the spot, so I never did. Your W has no idea what a gem she has in you...<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

I wish she would tell me. Tell me everything and let's deal with it one way or the other. Sherly keep up what you are doing and you too will turn the corner. You sound like a very nice person.<P>Roll Me Away, you must be a Bob Seager fan! I think she does want to stay in the marriage and compared to many of the folks on this board I may have it better then some. In our conversation last night she has backed way off the EA as having anything to do with our issues. Right now it is all about me not paying enough attention to her, not listening etc.<P>One thing she did say was that she wants things to be right and does not feel the way she should. What does she have to compare it too? The only thing I can think of is the EA. Tell me one person in their marriage at one time or another that has not felt like what the heck am I doing her. She is worried about why it is taking her so long to get those feelings back. She kept asking me last night how long does it take? My heart is hurting real bad, etc.<P>Bonny, you are right about the kids and spending more time with them. I have been doing that and she has always said I am a good dad. OM is a stay at home mom and is a better wife then husband. <P>Lostva, your right my plan A was not being reached by her. Though she has told me over the last 7 months that she has noticed that I am better. Though there have been some backsliding comments, which kill any forward progress. <P>We have been in conseling for 4 months and gone about 7 times as a couple. Not sure that it has helped and it might be time to boucnce the conseler. I get more from talking with real people. Has anyone gone to support groups and have those helped?<P>

One last thing ..... Sheryl why do you think she is rounding the bend and why this good feeling?

Zip,<P>YES! I love Bob Seger - I've got Roll Me Away blaring out of the CD player right now as a matter of fact.<P>2 points: one about the EA NOT being related to your marriage - NOT TRUE! She just doesn't get it yet - you weren't meeting her needs for conversation, whatever, and the OM was doing that through the EA. She just hasn't progressed enough to "get" the connection.<P>Second: the books will tell her that she can't wait until she feels 100% commited to work on the marriage (or leave it for that matter). I think it is on page 103 of After the Affair, by Janis Abrahms Spring that discusses this very point. Actually, I had read Torn Asunder and many others - one of my favorites is After the Affair. It answers many of the questions your wife has (and yuo too) regarding the affair and how to decide whether or not to rebuild your marriage. My H even thought it was good - but my H is still gone <P>She can't expect to feel 100% commited right ow - that is unrealistic because her fears and longins will sabotage her efforts - sorry, it is only human nature. <P>In my case, it took as long as the EA (app. 3 mos,.) to get over the OM, and ANOTHER 3 months to get feeling for my H back to pre-EA. It takes a long, long time. The road home is long and windy and full of potholes.<P>She needs to understand what is really going on with herself- hopefully through books, counsleing and even this forum.<P>Roll Me Away

Zip,<P>From everything you write I think she's getting ready to round that bend... and that's a good thing because you want this to work... am I missing something?? It happens, especially lately <P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

sorry to post what must be a basic question to you guys - what is an EA ?<BR>Thanks<BR>Jo

Jo,<P>EA is an "emotional affair" - which means, no sexual contact... that "in love" and "soul mate" <blech> feeling without the physical contact.<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

Roll Me Away, maybe both of us should change our names to Turn the Page or Holleywood Nights. I have also read After the Affair and thought that like Torn Asunder where two of the best on affairs.<P>She has yet to read any of those books and has asked before disclosure as to why I am even reading books on affairs. So she is not up to speed on what the real story is that comes out of these books. It fact she thinks that I read too much. Right now that is about all I have. Tough to get her to read a book on affairs when she says that is not the reason where we are, which is her dead feeling for me. So until she either reconizes that or a something else happens, I don't think that she will be reading any books.<P>Sheryl, I hope we are going in the right direction. It seems so dark and long right now. I think as long as all of us have hope then we feel we can make it. I feel the worst when there is no hope and it seems hopeless. I would think that is how the rest of the group might feel also.