Maybe I am just fooling myself. Maybe he never did really love me - maybe I was just better than nothing, and when he was younger he wasn't the type of man who attracted hordes of women, not that I would have wanted him to. I am having trouble remembering a time when he was nice to me - I know they were there, but all I can remember now are the many times he acted like I was stupid if I asked him a question he thought I should know the answer to, or if I asked him a question he didn't know the answer to, he acted like I was an idiot for thinking he might. And he claimed once that I belittled him. Other people have commented on how impatient and short-tempered and irritable he is - a number of years ago there was apparently a rumor going around that he physically abused me, though I have no idea how that started, since he did not. <P>Now all he cares about is getting a settlement and divorce, a settlement that requires him to pay as little as legally allowed. He wants to have enough money, and that is really all he cares about anymore. The one thing I was always sure of was that he did love his kids with all his heart, even if he was irritable, and now I am doubting that too. <P>Maybe he feels guilty, but what difference does that make - he has almost never admitted that he felt guilty about anything, almost never apologized for anything. If he regrets saying something, he just says he doesn't remember saying it, and sometimes I think he really doesn't remember - he is capable of blocking out anything he doesn't want to remember. His memory for events or things people have said has gotten so bad over the last couple of year that I was beginning to seriously wonder whether he had Alzheimer's or a brain tumor. <P>Maybe my oldest daughter is right - he has always been a jerk, and he was just hiding it to some extent.

I stick with my recently evolved opinion that in many ways, we made them better men. They have the capability to be good and while with us, they were so much better (though still flawed, as we all are) than now. Without us, they're poor excuses for human beings, with no apparent values, integrity or responsibility.<P>Unfortunately, they came to resent our influence as too "controlling" or they were losing themselves to us. I say "what self"? I certainly haven't seen my husband go off in some exciting developmental direction that I suppressed. In fact, it seems all he does is go to work and sit around eating pizza and drinking beer. He has developed the body shape of a trashcan, and is working his way out from there. He continues to have no friends or apparent interests outside of his work, and presumably OW. Yet, he says this life is "better" than when we were together. Really?

hi nellie, I have not read your posts for awhile. You sound better?! It seems that you are looking at the relationship with more reality now, trying to stand back and critically appaise it? <BR>Lots of things come to mind when I read your post. You have spent the last 20 yrs taking care of the kids and h. The actual quality of your own life revolved around them? If they were doing well and happy, then you felt fulfilled. Besides, with 6 kids, there was not a lot of time for 'nellie'. <BR>When we get backed into a corner, which is how I felt, we sometimes are forced to look at what we never wanted to see before. I am not saying you feel this way, just sharing my own experience. I had to look at some events that were really not pleasant at all. Is that why I chose to hide them in a corner? Partly...but also I did not have time to deal with them. Yeah, that lack of time was of my own making, but it was real to me then. Just little things that had happened in the past, that I now faced. I had to ask myself...where was I on such and so day that I did not realize what the h was doing? He was being sneaky, being a d***, being nasty after a phone call, etc? It never added up to me but it was his personality and only let it interfere in our marriage if I allowed it to be a big deal.<BR>I am not a conflict avoider, but thought I was respecting his privacy in some areas.<BR>After affair discovery, I took a lot of time to evaluate all the things in the past. Not just the affair thing, but the general attitude of h. How did he really treat me? Did he respect me as an individual? Did he appreciate me for who I am, not what I can do? Would he be able to understand who I am inside-my values, my thoughts, my morals, my dreams? Could he ever be comfortable with just me and the changes I want? <BR>Nellie, I guess what I am encouraging you to do is look deep in your heart and soul. Can he be what you want and need? Was he ever? When and why? Where do you want to see yourself in 2 mos, 2 ys, 20 yrs? <BR>You are such a sensitive loving woman, and I pray each day that you will find some peace through all this turmoil.

uhh, forgot to say how i felt about your question!! The coffee is not circulating yet?!<BR>Yes, I do think it is a personality flaw, but that is not an excuse for the behavior. We all have flaws, some just hide them better than others and some chosse to learn and try to correct the perceived flaw.<BR>Wex, can I use your wife as an example? She is beautiful on the outside, no apparent flaws at all. And she makes sure she always presents herself in this way thru her dress, makeup, poise, etc. Her flaw is hidden deep, and admitting to her affair would be an admission that she too has a flaw. Some of us have visible flaws....Elephant Man. Others are deeper.

Gee, Nellie, are you sure we aren't married to the same man? I've found that, with my stbx, "fair" equates to what inconveniences him the least. Sound familiar? For your childrens' sake, don't let the feelings you once had for him let him off the hook. He should have thought about his having enough money before he decided to break up his family. Seems to me being a bit lean in the wallet is a small price to pay in comparison.<P>I think that when you look back your perception of what has gone before is clouded by current events. Or is it that our perceptions are now clearer than before? I suppose that's a matter of perception as well.<P>------------------<BR>Bobbie<P><BR>

Distressed,<BR>I always felt that he had "improved" in a lot of ways after we had been together for a number of years. We certainly had more common interests as time went on, not even including children. During the last year or so before he left, he was, by his own admission, losing interest in every activity that used to be important to him. Shortly after he left, I began to see occasional enthusiasm for activities involving the kids, but that soon petered out. <BR>cl,<BR>Yes, there was a time when he treated me reasonably well - a period of about 10 years, and then again for several years. And both those periods coincided with times he was happy with his job, and when he didn't feel under a lot of financial stress. <P>It has actually only been the last few years that I have been home full-time with the kids - most of my adult life I worked in jobs I liked quite well and felt were important, as well as my second job of farming, which was an interest that dominated both my H's and my lives. <P>Bobbie,<BR>Oh, he thought about not having enough money before he left. He thought about it all the time. He told me that he couldn't separate his negative feelings about me from his feelings about our financial situation. Apparently he blames me for not having gone back to work after our sixth child, though he never told me he wanted me to.