Im totally confused now... My H came by (supposedly to visit kids) but said he wanted to come home...<P> Well if youve kept up, you know that MIL's boyfriend layed down a pay up or get out law, and its at the end of his free time.<BR> H also does not want to live in BC which is where OW is... I asked if these were the reasons and he said, yes, partially...<P>We also discussed telling OW its over.. H thinks she'll disapear if she knows hes moving home... My opinion differs, she has the OC and she kept an affair going for years while H was home before this separation..<P>Also, if you have stuck with me during all my postings, about 6 months now, you will know that I asked 3 things of my H...<P>Get right with God (this would fix everything in my opinion)<P>Get rid of OW ( in a way that I would be comfortable with.. I like a letter idea)<P>Get a job (I want to be able to stay home and homeschool, work part time... I just don't want to "take care of H anymore, as I have done for most of the marriage)<P>He thinks I don't love him enough to ask these things up front... I know I would just end up resentful again and that would put us right back at the beginning of this mess previous this 4th affair... <P>What would you do? I love him, but his actions have to change, if his relationship with God is in tact then he will be less likely to fall back into this mess and be strengthened enought to contribute as a husband, as far as a husband providing he has been non-contributing in most areas and held his longest job 6 months... Claims stess is too much on him... and as for OW, Ill write the letter, print it out, put it in an envelope with a stamp, he has to sign it..<P>I feel like Im back where I started and H is just clutching for me because he's panicking

OHHH - this one's hard, I can't answer you right now. I'm reading though and I'll come back.<P>Lori

I don't know all of your story but here's mine:<BR>My husband had an EA last year. He left church and we separated for 4 months. He used to be a very strong Christian. The EA was short and she broke it off because my husband didn't file for divorce. After a few months we reconciled, but he still hasn't went back to church. Naturally it has been hard getting over this and, like you, I feel that if he would get his heart right with God, it would make things so much better. But he won't talk about it much. I believe he thinks he's not strong enough to live a Christian life. Also, there has to be some embarrasment. Everyone knew what happened. I have wondered if I had not let him come home before getting right with God, would it have happened by now. Who knows! I just know he was serious about working out the marriage. We've been back together almost a year now and I'm believing that God is still working on him. I'm believing that he will be back in church with us soon. <BR> <BR>I don't know if this answers your question or not, but maybe it helped. It is hard waiting, but it was hard being separated, too.

Thanks for your quick answers, I do appreciate them...<P> you know, if I thought he was coming home and would be willing to really try to make our marriage work, I think I would say yes, but my gut instinct is that H is just doing this for a roof over his head and food in his stomach and me in the bed...<P>What do I get... To feed him, To house him, To boink him... And to work my a$$ off so we dont loose the house.... NOT<P>Oh, to add to this so you get a clearer picture, I worked untill our baby was born, lived off everything I saved, my credit cards, and my tax return untill that ran out, then I had to get on assistance... If H moves in I loose everything but $550 a month, and that sucks..<P>So I asked H... What happens 3 months after you move back and we all are homeless, like you are fearing to be now... ? Will he leave a homeless family and go to the next warm place with OW... this is my fear....<P>Im rambling.... I think alot of you would be thrilled to have your spouses back no matter what the situation is, but I think that there are so many other problems in my mess...<P>Thanks Lotsva, Im waiting on your reply, and Kimm I appreciate you thinking too, I know the imbarrasment from the people at church who know would be a hard thing to deal with, but only a few know...

Once again, I'll ask...are our spouses related? I am going thru almost exactly the same situation. My H just slunk back from Kansas, has no job and no car (I just took back the truck) and his parents harass him when he sleeps there. <P>I'm on the same time frame as you apparently. I have had to slip into Plan X temporarily. Can't continue to be anti-love-busting because he takes advantage, but can't move onto Plan B because he says he wants to be "friends". What I will be telling him when he gets here today is that if he intends for our divorce to go thru, that he needs to let me go. If he intends to make a commitment to our marriage, then he still needs to move away until he can fully give up all connections to the OW and make a commitment to me, the kids, and a church family. After spending a rollercoaster week with him, constantly monitoring him for communication with OW, I'm drained and I'm sure you must be as well. Consider if this man is worth it. I love this board, but sometimes spouses are just bad. God can turn people around, but maybe our spouses aren't the ones. Or maybe they are.

Oh Kate... And we both are in the fog... <P>Is it not totally foggy where you are tonight too... are you north central south east west in WA... <P>Do you ever feel your spouse is still acting 16, and are there emotional situations because of childhood family disorders?<P>We should meet sometime just to laugh, have a cup of tea and compare notes...<P>These men are scary!! Yours also is a puter geek like mine is Huh? Does he ever seem like his life is in the computer...?

Hi there!!<P>Haven't talked to you in a while...<P>What a pickle ..... I would have to say to go with your instincts on this one.<P>You have to concern yourself with being able to live day to day ..... that means money!!! You need the assistance and to lose it for an iffy is just not acceptable......<P>I would tell him that when he has a job and starts working with you (whether that includes Harley stuff like POJA, Emotional needs, etc, Church going, writing OW that "bye-bye" letter...don't forget that OC arrangements will probably have to be accounted for) then and ONLY THEN will you let your assistance go....<P>Time for some actions from him and not just words....he can find a flophouse somewhere else!!<P>I hope this doesn't sound too harsh, but you are the one who has been handling the realities of all this and to throw away all your sweat, blood and tears without an established pattern of maturity and steadfastness from H would only put more hell into your life.<P>HUGS, STRENGTH and PRAYERS,<P>Sheba

Sheba<BR>Thank you! no it wasn't too harsh, I have to be tough, I know it and I need the support of you here.<P>You seem to understand this delema Im in..<P>cozy <P>

Sound like these ladies are right on target. You can't give up your living allowances until you are a "bit" more where you can believe him. Don't buy the "OW will know it is over if I move home crap" -- as you have said, OW didn't care that he was home when they started. AND, I dealt with a bit of that back and forth "crap" after it was supposedly "over." It's like being punched in the gut all over again. Only this time, not so totally out of the blue. Unfortunately, it takes them a while to give OW up unless some drastic wake up call happens. Tell him to get a job, get independent. In the meantime, you'll date him, have him for dinner and work with him in counseling somewhere. BUT, as for risking giving up your assistance for a freeloader. NO! I am VERY proud of how independent you sound and how much it sounds like you have done on your own so far. DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO FOR YOUR KIDS AND YOURSELF.

Thanks sis... And all the rest of you...<P>I'm always worried about the "WHY" of my reactions, if its fear, anger, lonliness.. whatever happens to be my mood... I really need to bounce these things off others so I know that my instincts are grounded and logical.... You people are such a good sounding board that I don't know what I would do without all of you here... This forum is a life-ring for us drownding in a sea of emotions...<P>((((((Hugs to all))))))) cozy

Used, <BR>One of the things when I did phone cunseling with Steve Harley was that IF I were to let me H move back in with me, I needed to be clear on my conditions, write them down, be specific and make sure he follows them. Write down these condirons, give them to him, let him start to follow them FIRST, then see if he is truly willing to do what YOU need to make your marriage work..<P>------------------<BR>Susan<P><BR>

sounds like he could be wanting to move back in for some wrong reasons. Before I'd let him, I'd set out some guidelines to be sure.

I think you have ever right to request these three things from your H. Tell him that it isn't that you don't love him enough to let him come home but that you love him tomuch to let things stay the way they were before. Write the three things down. Tell him that he has to have a job and thathe has to end it with the OW by letter and you have to see the letter before he sends it. The third I know is a top priority but it is something that will take time and a lot of work. You may ask that you need to see this process started and he will have to continue when he comes home. I think if he does the other two the first will come easier for him. Sometimes when we lose our self respect and don't like our selves it is hard to get right with God. Not because God doesn't already love us, but it is hard to accept that when we don't love our selves. As we begin to love our selves then we can accept the fact that GOd loves us to. But don't take him back till he proves he can hold down a joe. I would agree with your fear that he is only looking for a place to live. You can't do that to you or your children. They and you are your first responsiblities.<P>------------------<BR>di<P>

More GREAT info...<P>Im going to focus on my 3 items I origanally told him, He knows already That these are my bottom line... Sue, I'll write them down this time and give them to him in a note..Janie, I think the reasons are wrong too... Im thinking that they are for my previously stated reasons plus, I just gave him the Plan B letter about 2 weeks ago...could be H is panicking...SDS, you may be right, I may have to rearrange my priorities...<P>Also.. I have had some of my (not MB) friends say that H should take time to prove himself responsible and after finding a job, become independant and learn to at least take care of himself for 6-12 months...Gosh, weve been separated for 8 months.. How much longer do I keep waiting for an unselfish Adult to pop out of the woodwork? I'll go the 18 months...I have nothing else on the agenda..<P>again, thanks...cozy