I was just reading one of your responses in another thread. You were outlining a relationship, affair, and recovery process as far as the betrayers attitudes. But here's a couple of questions for you. First, the process you were talking about when you said that we (the betrayed) need to stick to a better behavior pattern, is this what SAA talks about? Second, my wife seems to be committed to this other person. In other words, she has cut me off from her emotionally. I have tried to be the perfect Plan A'er (now that I finally realize what that really means), and she still won't let me in emotionally. Am I expecting things too soon? When should I expect to see a small glimmer?<P>Thanks for any help. I have been luring for quite a while, I haven't been posting because I wanted to practice on a daily basis the things that I have learned. For a while I was changing things on a daily basis based on what I read here. Not exactly consistant.<P>Thanks again.<P>------------------<BR>Janella - "...I'll be the greatest fan of your life..."<BR>Jerry<P>

I can offer some advice concerning what happened to me, but I'll bow to Chris's expertise first.<P>SHA

hi prof, I thought things were improving at your house? Last you wrote I understood that your w was responding to the plan a behavior? <BR>Do you know her needs? Can she share them?

Hi CL & SHA> Well, a few things have happened since then. Things are still going up and down the roller coaster. The reason I came out of the woodwork last week was because it was our anniversary. I did a bunch of things and at the end of the day, I just felt empty. She wouldn't even tell me happy anniversary. I continue to struggle with the whole concept of trying to meet her emotional needs (even though I don't know what they are since she won't share), and not love bust. I am trying to be consistent instead of scaring her with the concept or fear of when is the other shoe gonna drop. That's been the pattern in the past.<P>She was responding pretty well. But I can't tell any more. It's almost like she wants to respond well, but she catches herself and consciously decides to not. But I'm not going to say anything to her. I am not going to aggrivate anything. I have to be consistent.<P>It was something that Chris wrote in another thread that drew me out here. I'm hoping he and other respond because I really need help.<P>------------------<BR>Janella - "...I'll be the greatest fan of your life..."<BR>Jerry<P>

While she is still in an affair, you can expect to deposit no love units. What you can expect is to not withdraw any more love units. While in Plan A, you show her you are someone she can return to (because you have a history together). When the affair dies, which it should, she will see that the OM is no better/worse than you. But since you have much to share in the past, she hopefully will understand you can work it out. Plan A is to show that you understand some of the things you have done wrong and are trying to correct these problems.<P>When can you expect to see response? I don’t know. I’m still waiting (6 month+). Yeah, it’s getting difficult for me & I don’t know if I want to continue. This is where Plan B comes into play. It will keep you from losing any more love units because of your interaction with her. At the end of Plan B, either she will return or you can divorce her & have much less of an emotional trauma.<P>What you need to do is pay attention to the faults you have had in the relationship and take care of yourself.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html</A>

grprof, <P>All situations are different. I think you can deposit some love units during an affair. It at least creates a contridiction in their mind. I suffered through 7 months of giving Plan A while she was involved in her affair. most of the time it was met with rejection, severe rejection. Contridictions came with statements like, "Why don't you go back to your old behaviors?", and "Why are you making this so hard on me?" Well, I knew I was getting through when she started saying things like that.<P>Is your W living with you in the same house? If she is, don't underestimate the advantage you have over the other man. If she isn't, then you must rely on history. Either way, as Chris says, the new will wear off and the real will shine through. <P>Keep up the perfect Plan A. My W would not tell me her needs either. I found out through trial and error. Keep giving. Keep talking. Keep trying new and different things. Take her to new places. If you haven't taken her dancing before, go dancing. If you never took her to a play, take her. The first glimmer for me was after 5 months. What I mean by first glimmer was that the anger subsided. She still rejected a lot. Things got really bad again for another 2 months. So much so that I thought it was over. After a confrontation, she quit seeing OM. And things got a little better. It's been nine months in all for me. we are doing much better, but she still shuts me out emotionally very often. I think it just takes a long time to heal all the hurt.<P>Keep going. Don't give up. In some ways she may be looking for you to give up. Show her your strength. Show her your committment. You can bring the two of you together again. <P>God Bless.<P>SHA

Well, after a 3 day absence, I can answer now.<P>Chris -- Thanks for the advice. Even though <BR>I've know about the affair for 2+ years, my W has denied it continually until 2 months ago. To answer a question that SHA put up, no, we aren't living together. In fact, the OM is living with her. This has made it all that much more difficult.<P>SHA -- I am still just trying to keep it up. I think that sometimes I need more support than others, but I am putting together a plan to make sure that I deposit points every day or as often as possible.<P>I will say an extra prayer for you both today. Keep strong.