My husband and I celebrated our 20th in August. We were very happy and in love with no signs of problems. We met new friends. The wife a stay at home mom with a 2 year old has a husband that works long hours. She also has anxiety problems like my husband. They began calling on another in secret. It quickly moved to visits to her house with hugs and kisses but no sex. I noticed right away that his obsession to be with this couple was not right. I even suggested he was attracted to her. 6wks into their after the phone calls started and 4wks after the visits I confronted my husband, He said I love you both I can't and won't decide. I told him he needed to leave and see a counselor to sort things out. He continues to make contacts and see the other woman. Last night when he was returning with our tow children I told him I loved him and would be willing to do anything to make us right aqain. In the two weeks since he is out the house he claims he loves me as the mother of his children and as a friend. He feels no physical desire for me at all.I know I need to break off all contact intill he gives up his friend but how do I stop my addition for him. We always e-mailed each other and talked several times a day. Its LIke I am in withdrawl and I have to have some contact with him but it embarresses me not to have those feelings returned. Plus I think if I never talk to him he will forget all about our life together. I also believe he is making the biggest mistake of his life. It all happeened to fast and to intense to be the real thing. They also both like the finer things in life. Her husband makes more than double mine and my husband needed my income to provide us with all the little extras. They are truely addicted to each other and are not using a reason to drive their actions. I asked him why he still wore his wedding ring and he said because he was still married. Does that make sense. It's like he trying to force me to end the relationship to ease his burdin.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Sherry

Consider it temporary insanity. I know exactly how you are feeling. Take care of YOURSELF. He isn't thinking about anyone but himself right now. Take care. There's lots of good advice on this forum.

Left one thing off -- he may be like my H. He wanted ME to be the one to make the decision, which ultimately I did. I do regret it to a degree, but had to save my sanity. He sounds very passive/aggressive, so that you are the one to make the decision.

alone,<P>I read this in a book about midlife crises: a decision not to get divorced is a decision to stay married! Unless you want the D, don't rush out and get it in anger or hurt. As long as your H isn't actively pursuing the D, means he doesn't at this time want it.<P>While the affair is going on, there is nothing you can do to make your H end it, come home or want to work on the marriage. You can do alot to make him NOT want to come home, though.<P>If your goal is marital reconciliation, keep reading and learning the skills and techniques you will need. Also, counseling for coping skills, if you need that too.<P>WE can all identify with the fact that we think our S's are acting without thought for logic and reason. Just read some of these posts and you will see some really confused and bizarre behavior by our S's. If only we could "fix" things - but we can't ;(.<P>Keep your chin up and spend your major time and energy on yourself, because H is not likely to be receptive to your efforts to get you 2 back together right now. He might in time, however, notice if you can keep from lovebustng and give a good planA.<P>Good luck...<P>Roll Me Away

Update: I told my husband again today that I loved him very much. That I don't really believe he only loves me as a friend after only two weeks apart, but that he was trying to me mean to justify his behavior and he wouldn't even let me hold his hand because he is afraid that he does still feel something for me and where does that put the friend, and that he said he wasn't attracted to me any more to justify why he was unalble to make llove to me the last few week. I gave him copies of the 4 part articles on affairs. He admitts it sounds very much like what happened to him. Still insists they are in love.A true addict talking. I told him to look at the facts. Most affairs end, only the very few lead into new marriages that work. They only way to tell is to slow down his behavior. I told him my priority now is the children and it should be his as well. That he can tell them he loves them all he wants but his actions have shown them that at any time he can take it away and give it to someone else. Think of someone other that himself.

I don't mean to sound mean and vindictive but, <B>Does this woman's husband know this affair is going on?</B><P>If not I sure would make sure that anonymously he find out. <P>Your husband is temporally insane and may be making choices here that are totally based on a mute point.<P>Right after discovery my husband said he didn't love me like a man should love a wife. That is changing and building. He is falling in love with me little by little. 8 months here in recovery. So your husbands feelings right now don't mean they are written in stone either. <P>Make sure all the ducks are in a row here for your husband. <P>------------------<BR>God bless you and all of us.<P>Samantha<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Samantha-MI (edited November 16, 1999).]

I called and confronted to girlfriend on the day the lies were out in the open and informed her husband.

Dear Alone,<BR>This is a very very hard path you have been led to take. I found that my soon to be X of 22 years finally pushed me over the edge and his actions left mewith no alternative but to ask him to leave 2 monthss after discovery of a 16 month affair. He told all the same as your H tells you, but put so many "hurdles" that to "save myself" and ensure financial protection to some degree fro my children and myself I was the one to sue for divorce in June. H is very controlling manipulative, but sees me in this role. He is also passive aggressive and "pushed " me to make the decisions so that he could try to play the victim. Unfortuantely he chose absolutely no contact since July and when I have called him re only kids issues, he is angry as I do not want his friendship, but consider him the father of the children who he sees alternate weekends and one night a week for dinner. But has done NOTHING with them in terms of parenting as this he does not want to do.<BR>The reason I am giving you so many details is that their fantasy is impenetrable and you should try to find the time and effort, as your world as you know it crumbles around you, to take each day as it comes.<BR>1)Protect yourself both emotinally and financially<BR>2)Decide what you can or cannot live with to make this relationship work<BR>3)Get help..friends, professionals, whatever works for you, but do not bottle it inside and let your feelings fester. <BR>4)Sometimes we make crazy decisions as we are too emotional. Never make long lasting decisions in anger, but do not bottle your anger inside of you.<BR>5)Do not try to understand or intellectualize, there is little logic to this time<BR>6)Conduct yourself in a way that enables you to know that you are conducting your life in a way that makes good sense for you and that you can respect yourself.<BR>7)Take some time to enjoy life.<BR>8)It does get much worse before it gets better.<BR>9)Invest the time in your children, their world has blwn up too and it is as hard for them...is your H there for them as a parent or as "uncle dad?<BR>10)Remember you will get through this very painful time and this is about you....do not let ANYONE, including yourself, blame you for anything. Adultery is a CHOICE made by those who engage in it, no-one is driven to this course of action.<P>This is such a helpful place to be...with lots of sane advice from many whose lives are in chaos. Good luck, I am thinking of you