My FIL told me today that my W is in financial trouble. Tell me somrthing I dont know. He has hercheck book, credit card and bills. her little problam and other men(partying) has got her in a real mess.<P>He also told me that she asked him about what she should do about me. he told her he ain't gonna tell her what to do, she has to make that decision.(atleast she thinks about it.) He then told me that there is somthing she is not telling us. Parents intuition.<P>Thanks for everything<P> <P>------------------<BR>brownphdt<P>

were is every body tonight?<P>------------------<BR>brownphdt<P>

brownphd -- Your W's financial problems are not your responsibility. You have spent the past three months trying to show your W your feelings. Helping her in anyway that she will let you (including financially), and working on correcting you. It's up to her now.<P>As far as your W not telling something . . . Is she not telling her parents (the abortion, etc) or is this something which is being kept from everyone, including you? I can't tell you what you should or should not tell her parents though. I'm sorry.<P>God Bles

she will never tell them about that, I dont think. it would kill them<P>------------------<BR>brownphdt<P>

Hi Brownphd -<P>I agree with ES - your wife's finances are not your problem or responsibility. She must deal with the mess she got herself in. <P>I am sure that you are giving something to her for the children, etc. right?<P>If so, then you are taking care of your obligations and anything that she allowed to accumulate due to her activities is part of her choices and she must learn the hard consequences of that.<P>If you or her dad bail her out, what has she learned?<P>HUGS,<P>Sheba

brownphd -- This is MY opinion, and I am not trying to tell you what you should or should not do . . .<P>Until your commits to working on the marriage, then I don't feel you should be HER financial support. Yes you may need to help support the kids, but I don't think that you should even concern yourself with your W's partying and playing around causing her financial problems.<P>I realize that this is a harsh postion to take. I just have a very hard time with the betrayed spouse having to pay for everything . . .not only emotionally, but in this case , financially.<P>God Bless

SHEBA if we bail her out she hasnt learned nothing,but my kids are involved.<P>In my life I have seenthe consequence of bailing some one out. My mother is a recovering drug Addict( 10 yrs, way to go mom). My father Always gave her money no matter how much she needed, cause of me and my brother, WE did not starve nor were we abused, but my mother put that money in her nose. That is why my mother has such a problam with me helping her out. not saying W is using, just taking advantage cause it there.<P>It is very hard to watch her go through this. If she would just open up to me I could help her.<P>------------------<BR>brownphdt<P>

Can you say “enabler”? I knew you could.<P>You don’t want to be one. She’s digging the hole, she’ll have to find a ladder. Don’t let it be you. “Tough love” they call it.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html</A>

Am I just supposed to sit back and watch all this take place. I'm Just trying to tke care of my family. I do understand what you are saying though<P>------------------<BR>brownphdt<P>

I have never been in this type of situation before so my advice is simply an opinion but you can't keep beating yourself up trying to make things easier for her. <BR>I would suggest that any money given to support the kids should be taken care of by a third party (maybe her parents) so you can be sure that they are being taken care of. Money that is for them should be used on them only and sometimes when people get into bad situations they use poor judgement.<BR>Don't help her to continue this distructive behavior it isn't good for anybody, you, your wife or your kids.<BR>I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but sometimes it takes "tough love".<P><P>------------------<BR>I am holding my heart out to you and ask only that you receive it and give me yours in return.<BR>Nicole

She does a fine job taking care of the kids. she id a great mother. She id not neglecting them atall<BR><P>------------------<BR>brownphdt<P>

Hi Brownphd -<P>How awful for you and your family...<P>I am very happy that your Mom was able to pull out of the horror of addiction.<BR>What got her out of it (if you don'[t mind my asking)?<P>I know that it hurts too watch someone you love having a tough time, but sometimes people have to walk on their own and fall down a bit in order to learn to be strong and steady on their feet.....<P>If you provide for your kids, then you are taking care of them.....<P>You shouldn't confuse them for your wife's debt that has nothing to do with your family....<P>Chris is right....don't enable her to pursue things in life that she needs to be bailed out of.<P>She knows that you love her and she knows that it shouldn't come from you because the debt is part of the sword that pierced your heart.<P>Let her have the reality of that...<P>If your kids need something - than you can get it...otherwise it's not good.<P>HUGS,<P>Sheba

I have decided since I have already told her that I would help, Iam. After this She is on her own. Unless we make the debt together. then we can help each other<P>------------------<BR>brownphdt<P>

Why don't you seek temporary custody of the kids. then she can be responsible for herown debts?<P>Just a thought.