Hi friends,<P>Well, I met w/ my atty again today.<P>I have been documenting all the the things that my H has been doing (and NOT doing) during visitation. I have been documenting my D behaviors and her actions when she knows that daddy is coming.<P>He doesn't change her diapers. He has left her alone in a parking lot! She has come home w/ a bruise on her chin and a bloody nose. D vomits the day after vistiation and has diarhhea(sp) before he comes.<P>I told me atty all of this, plus that fact the my h has a drinking problem, and I can't believe what she told me! She said that even tho this behavior is not good, it is not enough to do anything about. She even went as far as to tell me that if I want to 'go that route', nitpicking she called it, it would turn around on me, that I was somehow trying to deny my H his rights as a father! What the hell does that mean?<P>I tell you what, this is getting out of hand, IMO. All I want is for my H to take CARE of her when she is with him. I have NO desire to deny him his rights. I do believe that my D has a right to be taken care of tho.<P>I certainly don't understand any of this. She also told me that is would be my responsiblity to find out what kind of assets my h may have hidden. Which means, that I get to spend more money, or a divorce that I didn't instigate.<P>I am very, very tired of all of this. She also told me, again, that the judge assigned to our case, has his own little lovebug on the side, and has a real tendancy to look at for the "poor dear daddy".<P>I feel like I am getting totally screwed!!<P>Cheryl

Yuk! And I had to have downed e-mail and miss all this today.<P>This is a very "not fun" time, Cheryl. You'll get through it. And, somehow, it all works out in the end.<P>Are you really sure that this atty is any better than the other one?<P>Hang in there, my friend. It'll be over soon.<P>Lori

Cheryl,<BR>I have talked to a couple of attorneys and gotten similar information. Basically, unless the H is making crack or burying bodies in the basement, his "rights" as a father come first. Morality has nothing to do with it.<P>The non-custodial, divorce-seeking parent, has all the power. He can see the kids whenever he wants, because he knows I would never hurt them by denying him visitation, yet "it is not his responsibility" to take care of them if I need him to. He does not have to see them when it is inconvenient for him, no matter how much they want him to. If I hire a lawyer, it is unlikely that the court will make him pay for the cost. I will not be allowed to move out of state for the next 14 years without his permission, but he can go anywhere he wishes, and I would be required to send the children to visit him. <BR>

Lori,<P>Thanks. Yes, I think this atty is 100% better than my 1st one. I know it will be over soon, but certainly not soon enough. This is absolutely exhausting me.<P>Nellie,<P>I know exactly what you mean. The courts of America don't look at morals. I tell you, it is a crying shame. My atty basically told me the same thing. Unless my h is having sex and making D watch or abusing her is some way, there isn't anything I can do. <BR>It all makes me sick. A person can leave his w and children, do anything he wants, spend money on whatever (but don't give any to your family!!!) and still have all the rights in the world.<BR>I don't know. I just don't know.<P>Thank ladies. I just wish I had some more leverage here. I really think me d saftey and well-being should be an issue.<P>God Bless,<P>Cheryl

Oh ceecee,<BR>You poor thing. As if what we as adults are going thru isn't enough, now you have to worry about d too.<P>I don't know what our laws are here - I'm about to find out tho. I have an appt. with LegalAid tomorrow a.m., I specifically want to know about visitation rights etc. I hope our laws arent as crummy and so one-sided as yours seem to be. |You would think that the child/ren come first, and that mediation would help discover who does what, or in your case, doesnt do what. Leaving alone in a carpark is a crime here, is it not there ?<P>I feel you need to look at your baby daughters face, give her hugs and kisses and reinforce that YOU are there for her. There is nothing more important to a child of our children's age than the mother. We are still the primary caregiver, and meeter of needs. It is a documented fact, or so I have read that a baby will die without love, hugs, cuddles and touch. I just know your baby gets all that from you,, just keep telling yourself that she realises who is doing what. And I believe they do, even at their tender ages.<P>I have just re-read the sequel to 'Not Without my Daughter" (cant remember what its called) and those stories are heartbreaking. Mothers having to leave the child in another country with the non-custodial parent, and having to come back to the States to fight for them from so far away - I couldn't imagine anything worse. I can imagine that what you are going through is filled with so much hurt, anger and pain, BUT at least he only has d for a short time. She will come to realise who is best for her, and where her needs are being met. And that is you my friend.<P>Please keep your chin up - and maybe think about changing lawyers. I would be. I would be finding one a bit more sympathetic to my side of things - we need all the advantages where our children are concerned. nothing is more imp. to me than the children, and I know you feel the same way.<P>Take care of you, and I'm thinking of you<P>Jo

Cheryl,<P>A couple of comments since I have already started (actually wife started) the divorce...<P>If you are keeping a log of what is happening, it is much more important to document what <B>you</B> do... as opposed to what H doesn't do... When you get to court and the judge (or most likely the clerk) reads you case... if all you say is he doesn't do this... he doesn't do that... you'll turn the case into a he-said-she-said case... This is <B>not</B> in your favor. I found this out from numerous books on child-custody for fathers (since I am on the other side...father seeking custody because W had an affair) What you need to document about your H is not what he does/doesn't do... but what are the outcomes... rash on the baby... clothes not clean... cuts not attended to... attitude change in the child... <B>NOT</B> he didn't change the baby's diaper, he didn't....x, he didn't y....!<P>On this issue of morality...<BR>This is where it really sucks! <BR>It depends on which judge/clerk you get...<BR>Some are (really) more moral... I was fortunate in the judge I got... she gave me restraining orders against the OM... and I am still using them today!<BR>Other judges/clerks don't give a damn! <BR>There is absolutely no uniformity in the administration of justice... <P>Coming from the "father's" side I would have to disagree with Nellie's comment that <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>The non-custodial, divorce-seeking parent, has all the power...<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> I feel the only truth in this is that visitation in most cases cannot be halted for the NCP... but other than that... custody(physical) is between 80%-90% guarenteed to the CP... especially if it is a woman... <B>EVERY</B> attorney... and I do mean <B>EVERYONE</B> I have ever spoken to says... that even though our states law's clearly state there is to be no sexual bias... <B>THEY IS</B>! It's a fact of life! For you... this is a <B>Plus</B>! Another plus for you is that child-support should be guarenteed too!<P>The issue of who pays (attorey fees)... is up to the judge... being mean... angry... obusive... etc. (to him and/or the judge) means you pay... If you have no means to pay... he will have to pay! Plan A is a good plan before you go to trial or submit the final statement.<P>Not movng out of state is true (at least in by my state's laws)... <B>That is the only reason I got my kids... my W <I>had</I> to move out and be with her OM... so bad... she left the kids with me</B>!<P>As far a who pays for the visitaions... usually it is the NCP (not the CP)!<P>I don't mean to disagree with you Nellie, but months of reasearch from May to August led me to my facts.<P>Cheryl, I hope you find out the facts for your state... <P>Much success <P>Jim

Ceecee,<BR>It is not enough that H betrayed you, it is the children that ultimately have no choice, but to cope with the parent who parents and the other who has run away from it all and just wants to be with the kids when it suits him. After all "poor daddy " does not get to see his poor darlings every day. Often in the fantasy they are living this is exactly what they want and we are powerless because no matter what, ultimately it is better for the kids to be with their dad than not to see him. The way they now parent is often pitiful..and short of abuse they have every right under the law to do only what they want and to drop the kids off at any time, no matter what the arrangements were, because in reality they cannot cope. They also know that if they are late, early, do not come, we will not desert our children, even though there are times it would be nice to take a break from it all and yes we desrve it. BUT the children will suffer if we do, so as most people do, we put their needs first, doubly resenting the infidelity and "new life" our H have because our reality is not running away either from it all or to OW, it is taking care of our most imporatant possessions...our children.<P>My attorney told me...he has OW and you have the children...for 12 days out of every 14...so who has the biggest prize. There was no doubt in my mind. Yes my kids can have good times with me, they can yell, scream and sometimes swear at me, but they know I love them more than anything else and are taught by me not to run away, but to deal with all life gives you. Everytime H pushes my buttons by doing more stupid things re his life in terms of the kids, I try to put it into perspective in this way. Hope this helps.<BR>What a mess they leave in their wake and they do not care to deal with it at all in terms of the marraige, the life they had with thier family and the trauma their children go through.

Oh, Cheryl...<P>Maybe we can help you find his assets that are hidden? <P>Also - what did this attorney say about the money? He hasn't given you money for 5 weeks, and then suddenly shows up at your work and drops off a check... Did they say anything about the penalties of contempt of court? <P>I think that the system is messed up, but what can you do? It is just one big horrible ordeal. <P>We've been duped in our life - to realize, that our courts aren't into justice but into decisions. That is a sad fact of life, that hurts to learn. <P>Keep on documenting, you never know when his demented personality will want to take YOU back to court for custody and child support. That happened to me, ya know, and it was no picnic. UGGGHHH<P>It was so frustrating to me, that I went back for training after it was all said and over (in my divorce) as a mediator. Maybe through mediation you may have to give up something - but you can get something that means the most to you.<P>Prioritize on what you would like to see happen. <P>God Bless You. God is the only judge that matters, anyhow. <P>Connie

Thanks you guys. This is all so distrubing to me.<P>Jo- Thank you for the kind words. I know that right now you are dealing w/ a plate full of crap too. Bless your heart for reaching out to me. I got your e-mail. Hopefully I will get to mailing you back today.<P>Jim- I know what you mean about documenting what I do. I am alos doing that. Since I am on Plan B right now, all ouf communication is via e-mail. Which is good. I can print off our conversations and there won't be any he/she said. I am also documenting all of the changes in his schedules and how many times I have changed MY plans so that he can see D.<P>As far as the judge go, in my state, a judge is assigned to the case as soon as the case has been filed. Unfortunely, the luck of the drawn was not on my side. This realy sucks. I am praying like mad that something comes over this judge during our court apprearance and he sees through my husband like saran wrap. <BR>I am pulling for you, Jim. I know how difficult this is. Your in my prayers.<P>Wilbok- Thanks your for your support. I try my best to make sure my D knows I love her more than anything. She gets plenty of love and hugs and giggles when she is home w/ me. My mothere watches her when I'm at work, so she gets lots of loving from her grandparents too!! She is so important to me, and my h knows this. My atty thinks that he is just trying to use my D because he knows how much I love her and how deep she is in my heart.<P>TnT- Well, she didn't say anything about the money, except, he is already paying you more now, than he would have to if we went to court. I said, well, IF HE WAS paying me, perhaps you are right. But given the fact that he ISN'T, the time has come to get a temporay order going. I need child support. I can't count on the fool to do anything right now. He is so out there. I don't know.<BR>I know you went through a custody battle. God help me, that I don't have to go down that road. I think that would push me right over the edge.<BR>Thank you for thinking of me. You are such a wonderful friend to me.<BR>Keeping you in my prayers.<P>Thank you all so much for your thoughts and support. God is the one in charge now. I know He will take care of me and D.<P>God Bless,<P>Cheryl<BR>