Twenty years ago, before we were married, my H became distant, though not so mean as he did during the affair last year. I thought things were getting better, we moved into a house that we were going to buy, and then after a minor argument, I came home from work to find he had moved out. I asked him to come back, and within a few minutes he had changed his mind, and came home the same evening. Something changed almost immediately - it was like he re-committed to our relationship - and he was really nice and loving for years - it was like a long honeymoon period. He has gone through periods of great irritability since then, but was never distant until around the time the affair started.<P>It was quite a few years before I stopped feeling fear that every time we had an argument he might leave. Maybe the fear never completely went away. But now I am kicking myself, because it should have been obvious that he couldn't be trusted. If I have learned one thing from this, is that you shouldn't marry a conflict avoider, but why did our kids have to pay the price?

no, you SHOULD not have known. you couldn't. how can any of us? we wish we all had, of course....but what would it really change?

Nellie<BR>Don't beat yourself up. There is no way that you could have known what he was up to. When we fall in love, we trust. That is nothing to be ashamed about. You believed that your h loved you. I remember that 2nd week of my marriage. H and I got into a fight over something very stupid. He left and was gone for hours. When he came back he told me that our marriage was a mistake and that he wasn't sure why he came back. I told him I was sorry, and I tried to make up for it. Little did I know, that my h wasn't running from me, he was running from the demons inside of him. He has so much pain, so many unhealed wounds, that only God can help him now. You shouldn't have known. You couldn't have known, and even if you did know, you probably would have married him anyway. I know I would have. <BR>Take care of yourself and children. Lean toward God, He wants to give you a great bid hug.<BR>cc