I went to the doc today, got more test results. I have only one appt. left, with the specialist, and hopefully DON'T have to have the camera probing icky thing. So far, every single test points to the same thing: stress-related severe colitis. So, my doctor says this to me today:<P>"Sheryl, I don't want to tell you what to do, but you need to make a decision about your marriage. You can't go on like this."<P>I nod affirmatively, because of course I agree. I'm looking at the ground. This man has known me since 1991. He knows what my life has been like. He knows my family, my H. Then he says, "What do you want?" Without hesitation I said "out". That's what came out of my mouth! Shocked me. I come here, I vent, I cry, (and cry and cry) and I email several folks here, but inside... deep inside where my guts are... I know the truth... I know... and I don't want to admit it. It's over.<P>I don't want to see this in print. I don't want to believe it. I want to stay here, to fight for the marriage. But do you understand what's happening with my health? Do you see that my life, as it is, is killing me?? You will say to stop fighting for my marriage, to let go and let God take it over... or you will say to relax and let things happen naturally, or maybe you'll say that what will be will be. I CAN'T DO IT!! <P>I never said my H was at fault, although he thinks I've said that to you all. I never said that I wasn't horrifyingly sad and embarrassed about the choice I made to have an affair. I never said I was perfect, or even a good person. In fact, I've often said that I was a bad person. It's taken months for me to realize that I made a <B>bad choice</B>. I am <B>not</B> a bad person. <P>The fight we had over the weekend was over what I wrote here. I wish I'd never asked my H to join me here. I was so happy to have him come, to work on our marriage, to try. Go back and read his first post. I introduced him as my H, I wanted him here. He reads only what feeds his anger and pain. He never notices when I say how much I've loved him, how sad I am that we aren't connecting, how much I wish we could be happy. <P>I am so sorry that I burden anyone with this. Frankly, I have no place else to go with my frustration. I have come to view this place as my home away from home. Good thing too, because my H is never here. Forget getting 15 hrs. or even minutes alone to just be together. <P>I offer no excuses for my post. Instead I offer my thanks to those who have continued to care for us, uplift us, and pray for us. <P>Yes, this has been a rollercoaster. And the ride is over.<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

N-B,<BR>I do understand what you are going thru, and I am sorry. It does tear one up to have tried so hard and it doesn't mean a thing to the other person. I'm suprised I haven't ended up like you as I have IB. Funny thing is when my w left so did the IB.<P>Between that and her lack of effort in saving our marriage, I too, have had enough.<BR>Many people will recommend that you hold on, but only you can know how much you can take. <BR>I would have loved for our marriage to work, but all the sore spots were brought out in this mess and now they just sit there waiting for one of us to heal them. The only problem was her heart wasn't in it and I could tell and to protect myself I did hold back some. In the end I was correct and think I did do everything possible to save the marriage.<P>It sound to me from your posts that you did everything to rebuild your marriage too. Sometimes our best efforts just aren't enough.<P>Take care of yourself and God Bless.<p>[This message has been edited by RWD (edited November 15, 1999).]

Sheryl you have e-mail... well actually you'll have e-mail in about 10 mins.<P>Hugs<BR>Kat<P>------------------<BR>Each and everyone of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought, and the gift of understanding.

new_beginning -- I am sorry that it has come to this for you. I know how much this must hurt.<P>You have shown yourself to be a true friend to not only me, but to many here.<P>Once again I am sorry, and will say an extra prayer for you tonight.<P>God Bless

i pray too that all goes well for you, take care your posts have helped alot of us out!<BR>riemer

Oh NB -<P>I don't know what to say...I am sorry that you are feeling this way and I wish there was something I could do.....<P>You wrote of us saying "stop fighting, let go and let God, and relax" and then you said that you can't DO IT - What can't you do? I am a little confused - does that mean you know you should let go but you can't or that you want to be out of the marriage?<P>Your H is having a very hard time..he is experiencing major self-esteem issues (thus the defensiveness of what you write here) these are things that he has to face and come to understand. You can only reassure him - he has to be the one to bring himself to accept himself and see the love that is still there.<P>He is not understanding that it takes the two of you putting some new actions and attitudes into practice that will be the jumpstart of a better marriage.<P>He is adding tremendously to the stagnation of the relationship and himself in a state of pain and disillusionment. Things are only hopeless when you don't start doing something to change them. <P>Feelings and happiness will not just "pop" into him....he has to get out of the muck that he is mired in and contribute to the life that he desires.<P>I hope and pray that he will be able to break the hold of stagnant pain....for both of your sakes.<P>I feel that if he would do that then you wouldn't be so automatic to say "out" like you did....<P>We love you NB and we all want you to be happy (and three wishes too!). I will keep praying that you both will be soon!!<P>HUGS and STRENGTH,<P>Sheba

Hi Sheryl,<BR> Whew! I'm glad this finally happened!! I was wondering when you'd hit bottom!! Now it's your H's turn. <BR> Then you guys can start heading UP!! <P> This is just temporary, you're carrying too much right now. YOU, YOUR H, YOUR HEALTH EVEN US!!<BR> <BR> PLEASE TAKE A BREAK FROM ALL THIS!!!!! WE WILL MISS YOU BUT PLEASE TAKE A BREAK, BOTH OF YOU!!<BR> Go to a nice hotel together, eat a nice meal, sit in the jaccuzzi(if you can), and FORGET ALL THIS SH** for ONE DAY!!<BR> I know you said it's hard to get 15 min let alone a day together but you guys deserve it!!<BR> It's always darkest...... We love you AND ARE PRAYING FOR YOU BOTH <P>(to NB's H: Give her a break will you!! Try not to be so selfish, she loves you and made a mistake. She's done MORE than her share of the work. Now it's YOUR turn. He who is without sin cast the first stone!! Remember? If you concentrate on HER NEEDS, yours will be filled too!! Get a grip, be a MAN and LEAD HER into a better chapter of your marriage. The rewards will be GREAT!! You don't know how lucky you are my friend. If I'm out of line. TOO BAD. All's fair......) FRANK <P>------------------<BR>desperate<BR>"If yesterday didn't stop today, Why should TODAY stop tomorrow??" <BR>"Wisdom is why!!"<P>

Sheryl - Take a break. I'm at work, but I'll e-mail you tonight.<P>We do love you.<P>Lori

Sheryl,<P>A therapist I met with gave me some advice. And, that was to not be hasty in making a decision & do everything you can think of before deciding a course of action. In that way, you won't have regrets. It certainly sounds to me like you have fought a good battle. One person in a marriage can only do so much. It takes two. Bottom line is, once your health is at stake, the battle must end. I admire you for fighting with all your might, but the time has come for a decision. You are doing the right thing. I pray that God continues to give you the strength you need to carry on. Take care of yourself, Sheryl, and your health. Without your health, you have nothing.

Well I will be cyber tarred and feather for this one, but ..............<P>GET OUT!<P>It's not worth your health, is it? You've tried .... and it ain't happening.<P>Sorry. I'm in a foul mood today. I'm rather TIRED of being told what I can and can't do, so I'm not overly "pro-marriage" today.<P>But YOUR health is at stake. Call it a day.

Sheryl- I am so sorry your having all these problems, you've been such a help to so many here. Sometimes you have to be selfish and just think about yourself, it's called self preservation! Anyhow, know that our prayers are with you! God Bless!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<P>

Sheryl,<P>If your health is being affected to this degree, you have to do something to get to the root of the problem. The marriage is causing untold harm on your physical well-being, and something has to change here. You know what to do to get yourself well again. Do it, your health is more important than anything. But I would also seriously assess whether or not leaving would create a positive impact on your health, so if you know for certain it will, then you have to take those steps to get well again. I'm praying for ya.

double post <p>[This message has been edited by Connor (edited November 16, 1999).]

A BIG thank you and Hug to each who responded to this. I am unable to answer each one right now (have to get ready for work) but will attempt to do that this evening when I get home... unless I sneak and check this at work <P>I did want to say again that this has been the most difficult thing that has ever happened in our marriage. Yes, I've hit rock bottom, but I am alone here. <B>I</B> may only have one place to go (UP) but <B>my H still needs to hit</B>. My biggest frustration wtih him (despite the money probs and kid probs and workaholic probs and affair probs) is that he sees my efforts (one of which is being here on this board) as causing the death of our marriage. Believe me when I say that I would have done <B>any</B>thing to put this marriage back together, including quit my job had he allowed it. Even the people at work (who know) have asked me if I shouldn't take a leave of absence or something. I'm <B>that</B> sick. Believe me, it's an option I may still explore. One of the counselors, who was single when she had an affair with a MM in her forties, said just last evening that she wishes she had enough money to send me away for four months. She said it will take that long to get OM out of my system (he's out, but working with him and seeing him every day is hell on earth), get me out of his (which seems to be the far bigger problem right now), and heal my body. I wish!! <P>So <B>Sheba</B>, when I said I can't work on it, and can't let go, I am just speaking of my numbness, my inability to even make a decision to let go. Make sense??<P>And <B>Frank</B>, I'm the only one who can find the 15 minutes or hours because my H is an honest-to-god workaholic. He won't stop long enough to even watch a video or read a book. No joke. He won't stop. I know why, but he doesn't see it. If he stops, he has to face the problems.<P>Finally, I want to reitterate that my H is a good man whom I respect in many ways. The problems, as I've said so many times before, were here long before my OM... heck!, even before his several women in the 80's. We barely knew each other when we married - blind date, seven weeks later ran off and got married. It's really a miracle we lasted this long. When I go back over my journals, which I have ceased writing in because he snoops and it scares me, I see years of pain... years of love, but mostly pain. I see the deterioration of a marriage. I couldn't see it when I was writing, but when you put it all together now, it's very clear. We were never meant to be together forever. I kept growing and changing, and he remained stagnent. Shades of years to come, I think.<P>I feel no relief. Only pain. And now I have to go off to work like this. I am praying for a change in my heart and soul (and stomach) that will give me some peace. It is not to be found this way . <P>BTW, got some meds for the anxiety yesterday... at least that should help calm me down a bit. <P>I love you guys <P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by new_beginning (edited November 16, 1999).]

NB,<BR>I'm so sorry for your pain and ill-health. I'm sitting here with my Rheumatoid Arthritis flaring (I was in remission), an ear infection and recovering bronchitis. I feel like I could sleep for several years--not quite the scary thing you are facing, but I hate seeing the RA come back.<P>Anyway, a word that pops out of your mouth is not a decision, it is a feeling. You can not base your future on feelings, but with your faith in God for what is right. Your marriage is not a mistake. It has gone badly, but that is due to decisions you and your husband have made. There are Biblical precedents for your actions. When I have a decision pop into my mind that is where I look--and I wait a few days. What am I, in a hurry? Not after over a year and a half in this mess.<P>You already know you can't make your H do anything. Anymore than I can make mine. Then with the added fatigue of becoming un-well, it all seems so impossible. I can't tell you it will turn out all right, but if you make the right decisions, YOU will be all right.<P>Take care<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Do not get tired of doing what is right, for after awhile you will reap a harvest of blessings if you do not get discouraged and give up. (Gal 6:9)<P>

This is effecting YOUR HEALTH! I don't think anyone in their RIGHT MIND, would say, give it time.....GOOD HEALTH has to start immediately! When all is said and done your health will be the most IMPORTANT THING YOU HAVE LEFT, NOT YOUR HUSBAND, YOU NEED YOUR HEALTH FOR YOUR FAMILY (KIDS?) and YOURSELF, IF YOUR HUSBAND LOVES YOU, THEN HE WOULD HELP IN HEALING YOUR BODY, not sit by and let it detoriate with no help (from what I have read, I don't see any help coming from his end)...ALWAYS.....NO IF'S, ANDS OR BUT'S!!!!! Sometimes you have to say "The Hell with IT, I can't control it, I don't understand, but I can accept it from here on and take care of you and only you!

Oh Sheryl,<BR> Don't think your marriage "Wasn't meant to last.." That's just "Stink-en Think-en" <BR> The BAD is tugging, that's all. Hold your ground. MAN, I wish I could do something for you, for EVERYONE here!!! This is so F**KING frustrating!!! GOD PLEASE HELP!!! TUG BACK HARD FOR GOODNESS SAKE!!!!

Frank,<P>Ever try to tug at a cloud?<P>That's where I'm at, buddy... <P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

To everyone else who replied: a heartfelt thanks to all!! <P>As was pointed out by one of my good MB friends, I am depressed. I got meds for anxiety yesterday, but not depression... don't know how the meds will affect me, but hopefully I'll calm down enough to take stock of my life with an open heart and mind.<P>I have been so unhappy for so long, and so has my H. It's very sad when you think about it. I am very sad about this turn of events, but in reality, it isn't so much of a turn as it is a realization of the way things have been for a long, long time.<P>My love to all, and I pray that all of you can build your marriages into wonderful happy relationships.<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

NB: I am so sorry you are going through such a hard time in your life. But....you have got to hold on to hope. Whether it is hope for good health, a rebirth in your marriage or just a good day, you need to keep a firm grip on hope. Believe me I do know what I am talking about. This is coming from a person who has attempted to end her life. Somewhere in the back of my pained mind is a light that signifies a promising future. I don't know what that is, but I am hoping it is with my spouse. I am praying for you to see that light. I know things will get better for you. Just don't give up on yourself. My love to you.