Ok, everything has been wonderful in my life lately yet today I found myself in a quandry. I don't like the fact that I am watching EVERYTHING he does or how he reacts to things. It's almost like I am looking for something to say, See-he couldn't be faithful. He's done nothing to really warrant my kind of behaviour lately, he's been completely generous of his time and efforts in regards to our marriage. Yet, he said something this morning that threw me, and he came home a little later than usual last night. I hate feeling like I can't trust in this relationship and don't much like my attitude much, anyone know what I should do differently? I know this time it's MY problem!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<P>

Chick's<BR>That feeling never goes away. IT does subside with time, but I don't think it will ever go away. I do the same things. But I try to do it w/o being obvious. I also tend to rationalze more than most people. <BR>Have you guys agreed on honesty or the policy of joint agreement? If so, ask him about what he said that bothered you. Tell him what bothered you about it. DOn't accuse, just talk openly and lovingly.<BR>Remember we are responsible for our actions and reactions, but it is not just your problem. Unfortunately he caused the distrust you feel and should be willing to talk and ease your fears.<BR>Hang in there.<BR>M<P>------------------<BR>Mater<P>

For me, I finally decided that I need to stop worrying about whether or not my wife would stray again. I realized that there was not a whole lot I could do about it and forced myself to quit worring whenever I get scared. I think that is part of what forgiveness is all about. That does not mean the worries don't still come, but I try to force myself not to think about it when they do.<P>Good luck.

I wish I knew. My personal low in this department was when I searched his shirt pocket and he was still wearing it. Whoops!<P>I honestly do not think a thing is going on or will, never before have I been the jealous type. The old me sees the best in situations and people, almost to a fault. But now anything can trigger a doubt.<P>I don't like it. It is not how I want to live. I am a great believer in making our own choices and thinking the right thoughts, etc. It is annoying and defeating that I can not control this and to be honest, it doesn't get too much better with time.<P>If there is any improvement, it is that I can sift through the doubt and recognize it as reasonable or unreasonable. It is also possible for me to keep my mouth shut when I know it is just me...and since that is the majority of cases, I don't think my H feels "watched" for the most part.<P>He is also very accountable for his time and if there has any new interaction that involves him (like lunch with people at his new job), he always tells me where he is going to go and who he is going to be with. Of course he could make this all up, but I think he partly walked away from his affair because he couldn't keep the deception up, so I think all is well.<P>But then my mind snags on that little thought that says "yeah, but you thought that before, too...and look what happened...your H can lie to you.<P>To be honest, the affair was so brief and so out of character for him, it still hurts, but it does not threaten me. What threatens me is the knowledge that my H can lie to me. I didn't know that, now I do.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

There are days when this topic just consumes me. I'm just responding to get others ideas. Keep the info coming

chick's<BR>The big difference for me came when I stopped thinking about the word "trust".<BR>I don't know if I will ever trust him again. What is important is how often I feel "safe". Think about it that way if you can. Write down the times that he makes you feel especially safe. <BR>I have accepted the fact that those little moments of doubt are for self protection. There is really nothing wrong with that. There is nothing wrong with checking to make sure that he is leveling with you. Don't think of it as snooping. <BR>Maybe the reason it is bothering you is because you want that trust so bad. Think about how much better you feel most of the time. The more times you feel safe, the easier it will be to let go.<BR>Remember that really raw pain that we all felt? Think about how much that has healed. It is so slow that we sometimes don't notice it. I am thankful every day now that I've made a point of noticing how much we have healed.<BR>Don't expect too much from yourself too soon. <BR>

Hi Chick's and all,<P>Funny you should bring this topic up. Last nite I too had a relapse in my thinking. After dinner H mentioned that he needed to run to the store for a few things. In the past, this was when he would call the OW, with me non the wiser. So this time, I immediately became suspicious and said, "I'll go with you." In the car, he said it was kind of odd that I wanted to go for the ride,so I just laid it on the line and told him why I was there. He immediately said, "I was not going to call her, but I would like to." On top of that incident, there was an envelope addressed to occupant at the secret mailbox that he used to get mail from her. It was a business flyer, but still brought to mind the continued existance of the mailbox. He claims his parents get mail there occasionally. I have a key to it and check it periodically, but just the thought of it coupled with the thought of how he used to make calls to her, threw me into suspicious mode big time. I searched his work coat pockets when we got home while he was taking a shower. I hate when I get that way, but, like you don't know how to relax my fears. In bed, later, we talked about my fears and suspicions because he asked me what was wrong. He told me he was sorry and reassured me that he had not, and would not call the OW, although he did want to. I asked if he wanted to recapture the "feeling" they had together and his response was he did not think "she" would allow that to happen now that she had talked to me. That was not the response I really wanted to hear, as I would rather think HE did not want to start things up again because of the progress we have made. I told him that, and he said, that he just wished he could see how she was doing, but knew that he could not be honest with her about how he was doing, because he would feel funny telling her GOOD things about me and us. Their conversations before, of course, had only covered the deficencies of our marriage.<BR>A few minutes later he made sexual overtures and we made love for about an hour. He said when it was over that he was surprized that he had "suddenly" gotten horney. Had been very tired when he first laid down. Hmmmmm?<BR>Do you think thoughts and memories of HER got him going, or that he realized my needs for affection and reassurance and felt bad for what he had said? Guess the answer does not really matter. After all, I AM the one he made love with, right?<P>I really don't think I will ever trust him again, tho.<P>Beth<P>PS. So many of you have made excellant points on this thread, and I thank you for them.<P>

Thanks everyone on your reply's seems I hit a nerve on some! I wrote this out and then sent him the page. After I did I picked up the phone and talked with him. It was good to talk about how these little things are bothering me. He said he didn't understand why I didn't just talk with him and I told him that sometimes it is easier to write to "friends" and know that they would understand. He also asked why I didn't see him as staying and why I was so suspicious. I told him that he needs to understand where I am coming from, that I am trying to not let something bother me from a year ago but I do need him to understand why it would bother me.<BR>Mater- I'm kinda aware of the subsiding of the problem, the only problem with it subsiding is that when it comes back it knocks you right between the eyes, and the pain that comes with it is more intense- things are better, have been for a couple of months, so when you do get "hit" with this sudden notion you feel things much more intensely.<BR>FHL- You know, this is my favorite scripture, yet I resist the total belief of it, maybe Satan is testing me, HUH??? You sound so much like me-except the part about searching him with his clothes on! I think your right, the hardest thing is that he has lied to me in the past so easily-it bothers me, so now I don't really know that what I am sensing is true honesty! You hit the bull right in the eye! <BR>TimJ-Did that awhile ago, that's why it was such a shocker that I started up again! I can't believe I am going down this road again!<BR>Wassy-as always you know exactly the point I am making and are right on to me, I just don't know how you and FHL get things so right. I respect the fact that I am in a dilemna about trust, your right in that! Your probably right in that I want something so bad but can't make myself just do it-like believing in us again in the same way that I used to. He talks of old age together and I hem and haw and say "We'll see" I don't want to completely trust again!<BR>Pilot's Wife-You sound like me, so quick to jump to conclusions! Could the fact that you two had had a very nice conversation about a really difficult subject and actually talked things through been what made him so in the mood for you? Think about it, Maybe???? <BR>Anyhow, God Bless you all and thanks for answering me!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<P>

chick's<BR>Don't try so hard. Just enjoy the moments that you do feel safe!<BR>I do know right where you are. And you know I am there at times.<BR>All your H can do is keep giving you reasons to feel safe.<BR>What you can do is remind yourself to notice them!!<BR>You are going to be okay. <BR>I'm starting a new meditation routine. Trying to block out all bad feelings using my mind. It really is the only thing we have complete control over. We just need to learn how to guide it.