In talking to a close male friend of the family, he made this statement to me:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> Could be he's falling into the male sexual lull period.. Happens to all men at differing degrees.. THey won't turn down sex or romance, but they won't go out of their way to get it either.. It's a combination of psychological and physical... It's not you.. It's him.. I was worse when I went through it. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>He then went on to say <BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> Women actually go through this phase too... With men, it hits in their 30's, 50's & 70's... With Women, it hits in their 20's, 40's and 60's... That's why it's a great marriage if the two people involved have it so thier lulls and peaks are in sync.. Then there's no real notice of it or annguish between the 2, because they're both in sync. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Tell me, is this bogus? Or do any of you think that there is some truth to this?<P>Gabbie

Bringing this back to the top...

Gabbie:<P>I've never heard of this. Can't really say I've experienced it, since I'm only 29. Haven't hit my 30's yet to know if there's a drop off. <P>I <I>can</I> tell you that I go through normal periods of extreme desire for sex and other periods where I couldn't care less about it. For the most part, it's just a normal fluctuation of the libido.<P>I'd like to see some documentation of your friend's theory before I subscribed to it.<P>------------------<BR>/// Lone Star * ///<P>

Hmm... well <B>I've</B> never heard of that, but then again, that doesn't mean anything. I'll tell ya that I never had any kind of sexual lull in my 30's. I'm still in my 30's (I'm 37 thanks) and I like sex every bit as much as I ever have. Next time you see your friend, ask him where he heard that stuff. Sounds kinda bogus to me.<P>--andy

I vote for bogus. <P>I'm 40 and I haven't noticed any lull period. I did take my wife for granted which got me into this mess, but my desire was always there. <P>I would focus on the needs stuff. I have found that putting my wife first in my life and cherishishing her as I always should have has increased my desire for her. <P>Does that help any?<P>SHA

I'm guessing he watches Jerry Springer alot too.

Thanks for the input, guys.<P>I guess maybe I am grasping at straws here. I want this to be the explanation to H's change in behavior. I want <I> anything </I> to be the explanation for his behavior change as long as he is being faithful. I would probably even be thrilled with hearing him say "You are fat and unattractive and you repulse me!" right now as long as he wasn't having an affair.<BR> <BR><p>[This message has been edited by Gabbie (edited November 16, 1999).]

Sounds very thin to me. I am 51 and sure don't remember any 'sexual lulls'..... except maybe when the wife was asleep.

I am a woman but, I have never experienced that with my husband...one or two...<P>I can tell you that I think the lulls are because of our own individual lives. Not age or things like that.<P>Yeah it is great when people are totally in sync. That doesn't usually happen around here. When it does though it is wonderful.<P>My husband showed a real lack of sexual appetite when he was in the affair. <P>I don't mean to sound like I'm bearing bad news. It takes more than lack of desire for an affair to be happening. It is usually many things. <P>I have read in here before that if you think something is wrong usually your suspicions are right. I know I suspected then would put it to the back of my mind. I even asked my husband on several occasion.<P>Please don't misunderstand that does not mean that your husband is having an affair. I haven't read enough of your posts to even have an opinion on that. You don't show a story in your profile so I really haven't a clue. I do see that your relatively new here. <P>I pray your suspicions are not true but, if they are you have come to the right place.<P>------------------<BR>God bless you and all of us.<P>Samantha<BR>

Sexual lulls? I'm only 28, but I know older guys and I asked a couple of them, and they said it was bunk. If there are any lulls, it's because the relationship may be boring to them, and communication is suffering. I do know that I was not always very communicative with my wife - now I want to be. Funny how we don't try or apprecaite what we have when we have it.<BR>Joe

Thanks again to all of you.<P>JoeJohn: <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> Funny how we don't try or apprecaite what we have when we have it.<BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Yeah, I resemble that statement I have stated in another post that is seems to me I was 'sleeping through life' and all at once I woke up to see that things were going downhill. <P>Samantha-MI: Thanks for your response. My story is this: H has been acting strange lately, and I have this overwhelming feeling that something isn't right between us. I have talked to him, actually asked if he was having/thinking of having an affair, his response was "When do I have time to have an affair?" Small things are adding up. IF you want, you can read the post about Give-away habits of an adulterer. I have posted a few times in there. I can't shake the feeling, and I just want the truth. I can forgive, if he is having an affair, and I want to make this marriage what it used to be..happy, loving, secure, trusting, wonderful, perfect (well, as close to perfect as a relationship can be).<P>Gabbie<P>

Gabbie,<P>How old is your H? I haven't been following your post very closely. I will tell you my take on this and comes from his statement "When do I have time for an affair?" .<P>Please remember that everyone interprets things against their own experience. He may not be having an affair but he is becoming susceptible. I read from that statement someone who is stressed and down emotionally. I would guess that he feels little support at home ( care and attention from you) and that work is getting to him. <P>Something new, exciting coupled with walking away from responsibility might be just the ticket to make live good! NOT! but you do see where I am going. <P> As far as sex cycles, who knows. I am in my 50's desire comes and goes but it has more to do with fatigue, time, stress, you name it. Men do change as do women but this is usually in the 50-60's for men and they don't lose desire, it is just not as intense. <P>Anyway, that is my $0.02 . <P>Hope this is of some help.

Gabbie - I think we need more info. For instance, who is the "he" of your first quote? That is, was your friend referring to lessened sexual interest on the part of your H, himself, someone else in particular, or just making a general observation? From my own experience, I've never had any lesssening of desire while spending the night in the same bed with either my XW or my present 2nd W. In fact, just the opposite. I've always found that this kind of physical nearness has always been a BIG turn-on, even after years of marriage and not depending on age at all. I did go through a 6-7 year lull between marriages, but feel that this was because I wasn't in any intimate relationship. In a way, it felt good to "take a vacation from sex." But when I met my 2nd W, she reawakened my sexual interest. (Boy, did she reawaken it!)<P>I'll just this caution. From my own experience and reading the posts on this forum, it sounds like a lot of the time, when a partner (either sex) loses sexual interest in their spouse, it's got nothing to do any so-called "change of life." It usually has more to do with a change of FOCUS - the partner with the lack of interest IS sexually interested. It's just in somebody ELSE! That's why your friend's explanation sounds a bit BS-ey to me, frankly. Regards and blessings,<P>--Wex

To answer the questions asked in the last few posts:<P>Just Learning: My H is 31. You said something about lack of care and attention from me. Yes, I will agree with this 100%. I said in an earlier post that I had to have some 'female surgery' which made it almost impossible for me to be sexually active for a period of several months. It was not only painful, but I had no desire for sex whatsoever. I don't think H fully understood this. I talked to him about it, and told him that I was sorry for letting him down in the physical part of our marriage. Also, his father passed away on October 9th, and he is having a very hard time dealing with this. We were tossed a 4,000 funeral bill as my FIL's wife refused to pay for it (added financial stress, here) He was very worried about how I would handle the fact that we had to pay for this funeral. I assured and reassured him that we would do whatever it took to pay this bill, and that I supported him in the decision to take financial responsibility for the funeral. Also, H has a court date set for Dec. 1st...his ex-wife is suing him for child support for a 4 month period in which H had temporary custody of his daughter. (Big long story there, but in the end, his daughter decided to go back with her mom as she missed her old school and friends, and the mother made promises to the daughter that she would stop drinking and sleeping around and be a better mother to her).<P>Wexwill: I asked the friend what he thought regarding my H having an affair, told him my concerns. That was his answer to me. The thing is, H has not lost interest in sex with me. He did initiate sex last night, but as I have said before, it's like his body is with me, but his mind is a million miles away...he no longer looks at me when we make love, he turns the lights off, and other things that are out of the norm for him.<P>I just don't want to confront him on this and "love bust' without some kind of concrete proof, and I have none. Just a feeling that something is amiss.<P>Gabbie

Gabbie,<P>You know, from what you have said, it could simply be stress and depression. He probably understands your explanation about your health but he may be feeling a little like Rodney Dangerfield "I get No Respect". Not just from you but life. 31 is young in my book but it sounds like the plate is very full of things he understands, knows he has to deal with, but is not looking forward to at all. Who could blame him? <P>Do you guys go and do something fun every now and then? Is there something you two can do that he will look forward to. I don't mean it has to entail money. Actually, if you look at the Plan A approach, it is very likely to work even in the case of depression and stress as affairs. <P>If you take that approach you are doing the right thing no matter what the situation may be. Also consider getting him to Dr. for depression med's if this continues and he will agree. Tough for men, whether people admit it or not, it is a consideration in the workplace especially for men. We don't have emotions you know .<P>It would seem that your feelings are correct something is a miss, but it may not be an affair. It sure sounds like a very frustrated human being to me. <P>Keep you eyes and ears open, but have some patience. With all that you described going on and Xmas coming, it probably won't be until Jan. before some of this calms down.<P>God Bless You and Your Family<P>P.S. I am editing and adding this because something also struck me. A few days ago there was a long thread about Mid Life Crisis and the whys and where fors of them. I suggested then that they have more to do with tramatic events in peoples lives causing reevaluation of the persons situation. Your H is young but most people do not lose Mother or Father at this age. Such a loss, can trigger some serious reevaluation in people. It has also happened very recently so consider that as well.<p>[This message has been edited by Just Learning (edited November 16, 1999).]

Just Learning<P>I totally understand that H has a lot 'on his plate' right now. And believe me, I am about as supportive as a person can be. Some things just aren't adding up.<P>For instance: Yesterday he was late getting home from work. He said that he put in a hard day, 11 1/2 hours. I said "I think you are mistaken there babe, you have 13 1/2 hours in." He looked at the clock and said "Oh yeah, I guess I do" Then today he comes home and says "<Boss> is questioning my hours for last week and so far this week. He wants to know when I am starting and ending my time." It's hard for anyone to know this as H keeps the company truck here at home, and since he is a construction superintendant, he goes to numerous job sites a day...also, he keeps his hours written on a tablet and turns that into the office at the end of the week. <BR>A close friend of mine said that I should tell him "Some woman called here for you today and asked for you by only your first name" just to gauge his reaction. I did, and he said "Yeah I got a call like that on my cell phone today, I figured it was the people from MasterCard (we are late with the payment) so I said 'He isn't in right now' and hung up." Odd, don't you think?<P>I don't know...I got the feeling that he is hiding something..and I can't shake it. <P>Gabbie

Gabbie,<P>Call me naive but I don't see that what you have said adds up to anything suspicious. What do you think is really odd. However, your continued testing of him will lead to trouble if he finds out. He just sounds very stressed and tired. He may also be burying himself in his work to compensate for the sadness and sense of loss he feels.<P>Why don't take that tack that he may be stressed and depressed and approach this from that point of view. THere are site on the web that will give you general symptoms to look for. See if he does not fit them. <P>I guess I don't see the problem you are looking for because, I have been in his place with long hours, lots of problems, and a good bout of depression. He sounds like me.<P>Hope this helps.

Gabby,<P>Your intuition is probably the best indicator that "something" is up. I have been with my husband for 12 years and I thought that I knew him very, very well. He was a very honest man who wore his emotions on his sleeve. When his behavior changed last April I automatically thought "UH OH", affair? He was just "not there". I would try talking to him and his head was in a constant cloud. He denied being involved with a OW profusely and made me feel badly about accusing him. <P>His sex drive toward me did not wane. In fact, he got me pregnant during this time. It wasn't until July 5th that I found the proof that I needed that he was indeed having an affair with a 19 year old s!@t. He is 45 and old enough to be her... well you get the picture. <P>I don't think that he would have ever admitted it. I needed to find proof and I finally did. ( I even stayed up one entire night hoping that he would talk about her in his sleep)<BR>Knowing about it is harder, but more settling than constantly suspecting.<P>For your sake, I hope that I am wrong about your H's behavior. I am eight months pregnant and very depressed about the condition of my life. I wouldn't wish this on anybody.<P>

Just Learning,<P>I know, I must sound like a babbling fool, but there is something in my heart and mind that tells me something isn't right. I wish I could put this feeling into words, but try as I may, I can't. <P>It's so hard not knowing. I don't like putting him through these little 'tests'...it's sneaky and decietful, and that's not my style.<P>wafflestoo: I am so sorry for your pain. I hope that things will work out in your marriage. And I hope that my feelings aren't right. I just don't know how I would handle it.<P>Just Learning: another instance and question for you here. Tonight H came home from work happy as a lark, in a really good mood considering the fact that he told me "You would not believe the abuse I took at work today!" He was sitting at the computer doing some work-related paperwork, and the kids were playing in the back of the house. I was in the livingroom with CMT on, cleaning the entertainment center. The song "When you were mine" came on (Dixie Chicks) I was singing along, and turned around to see him staring at me. All at once his attitude changed, and he yelled at the kids to shut up (very rare) and said "I'm going to bed. Night." No kiss, nothing. What's your take on that? And just for the record, I was not being loud or interfering with his work...the computer is in a little office 3 rooms away from the kitchen.<P>Gabbie

Gabbie,<P>The honest answer is, I don't know. I am not saying you don't have reason for concern even if it is JUST depression. What I am trying to say is that the behavior you have described and keep adding to can point to several possibilities. <P>I guess if it where me, since he has said there is no affair, then I would discuss with him issues related to depression. That does not mean that you should not be concerned about an affair but it seems to me that communications between you two is really poor now. You know and he knows that he is acting differently, address this via something that may not be as threatening. If you can get him to open up at all you will be gaining ground no matter the problem.<P>Please note if it is an affair Plan A still calls for communication and love. That program ,Gabbie, will work for many problems.<P>Hope I have been of some help.<P>God Bless You and Your Family