***NO CYBER-SLAMMING***<P>What is involved in a legal separation? I think this would help me out so much, but I don't know anything about it.<P><BR>

How about cyber-hugging... and you've got one!!! <P><P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

I may be wrong- but a legal seperation is anagreement that you boith have to live apart. Basically, after a period of time, you can either reconcile or divorce. You rip it up, nothing changes, if you decide to divorce- its the agrrement you keep. It involves visitation, support, assets, debts, etc.<P><BR>No,, i am not a lawyer- but that is what i beleive it to be.

<BR>Maya,<P>I'm not a lawyer, either, but my understanding is that it involves a set financial agreements including division of assets, child support, and alimony.<P>This is going to seem obvious in this forum, but I also think its very advisable to have agreements about "boundary conditions" during the separation. If a partner wants to preclude the other partner from dating and having sex, its usually best to make this explicit. I've heard of cases where reconciliation was hampered by one partner deciding that "being on break" was a license to have extramarital sexual relations.<P>This is just my view, but I strongly dislike separations unless its a Plan B thing. Separations allow people to grow father apart, but not closer together. To me, they symbolize the beginning of the end.<P>Bystander

<BR>After this weekend and my H being gone out of town, I realized that I really really need time to be away from him.<P>My idea is that if he's out of the picture for a while I will either miss him terribly and want to work on the marriage, or I'll realize even more that the marriage isn't going to work out.<P>I just checked some websites about separation, and we can stay separated for the rest of our lives without having to divorce. <P>I don't really care because I would NEVER marry another man. Too much trouble.

Maya:<P>I <B>am</B> a lawyer (although not a family lawyer), and what the others have said is pretty accurate. Basically, the legal separation is a formal document that dictates a lot of the terms that will be used in the event of a divorce. It makes the actual divorce proceedings move a little smoother.<P>All the "dirty" details are taken care of up front in the separation agreement. Then, if the parties reconcile after the specified time, the agreement is terminated.<P>If the spouses decide to divorce after the specified term of the separation, the separation agreement is incorporated into the divorce document. In general, they're supposed to cut down on the nastiness of divorces and speed up the process.<P>It also is intended to give the parties a formal document to govern a separation that may or may NOT lead to divorce. Regardless, it's a legally enforcable contract, so you'd better be able to live with the terms.<P>BTW, if, at the expiration of the term, both parties want to extend the separation, but don't want to divorce, they can usually do that.<P>Hope that helps (although, I'd hate to see you have to resort to this).<P>------------------<BR>/// Lone Star * ///<P>

Thanks, Lonestar .... that's pretty much what I thought it was.<P>Hey, last fall when we were at a marriage counselor, even HE suggested a separation (this was before I came clean about the affair)<P>Problem is I don't think H will do THIS either. I believe he will say he's not going to leave the house, and my only choice would be to leave and take my kids. I won't leave them. I believe it would be better for them if they got to stay at their house with some normalcy in their lives.<P>I mean, what do I do if H refuses to cooperate with me on this?

Seperation may be helpful if it is used as a tool to resolve your problems.<P>I would question your motives at this point until you deal with your depression medically and pychologically.<P>You have an overwhelming feeling to just get out in an effort to escape pain or in an effort to advoid making an effort.<P>Consider the effect on your girls. <P>Get help for your depression no matter what other decisions you make. Until you confront your depression, you will be looking at your life through a cold dark misty fog.<P>You need to do whatever it takes to get to a better place. Many things, maybe even seperation, can be used as tools, but you need to take care of the root cause of what is causing your inability to move forward in any direction.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Yes, I'm definitely still going to the counselor next month (been trying to get in sooner, no cancellations yet).<P>I know how it will affect the girls ... but this is a better alternative for EVERYONE (including ME). This marriage isn't healthy and I'm drowning right now. I mean how long before I've got a knot in my colon the size of Nebraska ... ya know?<P>

Maya,<BR>Not slamming you here, but if I was your H, I wouldn't move from my own home, either.<P>I thought in another post when you thought about being out on your own, you would have your daughters part time.<P>Of course they deserve not to be uprooted. You may have to make a choice. If you honestly believe seperation would be beneficial in your own recovery, regardless of your ultimate decision about your marriage, then I think you have to weigh the pros and cons for everybody.<P><P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Glad to hear you are still committed to your appointment!<P>Just a recap, if the initial seperation is temporary in an effort to get yourself together until decisions are made, then I think it would not be fair to move girls from house. I don't think it would be fair to move H from house.<P>If you at anytime dissovle your marriage, then you have no choice but establish two households. That would be the time for you and your H to decide the best division of property based on what would be best for the girls in terms of where they would live.<P><P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

That's all well and good, FHL, but if I leave the house to "get myself together" then does it look like abandonment? I mean girls NEED their mothers and these two are NO exception.<P>I don't want them to think I'm leaving them. I have no intention of doing that.

Of course you don't...that's why it is such a huge step and such a tough choice. If it is temporary to give you the kick start you need to get yourself going (and who knows if that is the case) then temporary anxiety for them may be better than their current situation or a broken home.<P>But wouldn't they feel abandoned if their dad left there home, too?<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

I guess they would feel abandoned by their dad too. CRAP. This whole thing sucks. Why did I even GET married?<P>