My counselor and I decided I should do Plan B. I wrote the letter and sent one to the OM too. I was prepared to do what I had to do.<P>I kind of messed it up this past weekend. I felt inspired by God to write a letter to her. She had her wallet and keys stolen at this bar she hangs out at, and I had to go give her the extra key to her car. We talked, and again I backslid and begged her to come home, to try counseling, to give our marriage a chance. She said some very hurtful things, such as; I don't love you. I love him. I married you because I never thought I'd get anyone else. I was always miserable and thought it was supposed to be this way. Aren't I supposed to follow my heart? That her and the OM weren't seeing each other, and haven't been for weeks, and she was lonley but not lonely enough to come home to me. She also told me that every time I "do this" (talk to her) I push her further away. She said I never gave her the six weeks of space she asked for to make a decision.<P>I was very hurt and very angry. But, I told her that I didn't want to nor would I talk to her, see her or do anything with her. I asked that we start the six weeks over. That after the six weeks, she tell me her decision - if she wanted to reconcile, fine, if she wanted a divorce, fine, and if she wasn't sure, we would go from there.<P>She agreed.<P>Yesterday I called the OM's fiancee, who is back. (She had left him, even before she knew about the affair, though she had suspicions.) To preface this, my wife was angry that I sent the OM a copy of the letter with a note. She was afraid that his fiancee would get it and it would "mess everything up." According to my W, he was letting her back so he could have "access to his son." According to W, the OM's fiancee wasn't letting him see their son, and would keep him away if he didn't let her come back and try for a month.<P>This is a crock. She told me that he asked her back, begged her to come back. He's telling my wife that he loves her, but that they must put their relationship "on hold" while he deals with the fiancee. I had been speaking to a lawyer about child custody, in the event of a divorce. He told me that that was not legally possible. <P>He is lying to both of them, and manipulating them. <P>Well, the fiancee spoke to the OM at his work, and my W called me. She was mad, and said I "ruined everything" and I was bringing everything to a head. That it was over. I blew my top, said fine, it's over.<P>Eventually, I backpedaled. She called back, I called back, and she agreed that if I stayed out of it, she would stick to the six weeks. I felt like such a loser, and a capitulater.<P>I had a therapy session, and I told my therapist. He insisted I stick to Plan B and have nothing to do with her. I agreed. I was so mad, so mad. I still am. All through this I haven't been mad, I've been depressed. Now, I'm mad and hurt. <P>I went to my in-laws to spend the night. We have a system - whoever has the kids stays at our house, and the other person spends it elsewhere. She had been at her parents, and I waited until she left to go there. She called me, and I almost didn't talk to her.<P>She asked me to come home. She asked me to spend the night, and that she wanted to talk to me. I was very skeptical, but agreed. <P>She told me that she had been thinking, and for the sake of the children, she wanted to come home and have us live together during the six weeks. She said that she didn't want to rehash things, there would be no sleeping together (sex - which I promptly said "I don't want to." Which I don't until she decides to reconcile.) She said she was lonely and missed me and the kids. That this would offer us more flexibility. She then said "I think this could work. If it doesn't, then we know there's no point in trying to save our marriage." <P>I didn't say anything. Then, I said "I'll try it for two weeks. It sounds like a good idea, and it would be nice for the kids." She promised that she would not take advantage of the situation. <P>I am still skeptical. I am still preparing myself for divorce. I am being nice, but I also am not doing the things I did before, when I wanted her to come back - hugging, kissing, touching her, telling her how much I love and miss her, giving her foot massages and back rubs. None of it. I've told her countless times how I feel and it's in all the letters I gave her. She knows. I'm just taking care of me. Especially after she said some of the meanest things she ever said to me. <P>I'm trying to be cautious. I am not excited that she is back. While a part of me likes it, most of me still gets mad when I look at her, because I think of the things she said to me. Six weeks seems so long, but I know that it will probably go by pretty quick. <P>What does anyone think?<P>Joe

Take things day by day. You've got a long road ahead of you. Try not to take your wife's comments to personal. Not sure I got the whole story, but if your wife isn't seeing other man anymore, not sure their is any need for plan b. <P>Good luck and patience.<p>[This message has been edited by TimJ (edited November 16, 1999).]

Tim, she still works with the OM. They see each other every day at work. According to my W, they don't talk about their personal lives, they don't have time. (They found time yesterday when he found out I talked to his fiancee. She called me, pissed off, and relayed threats he made. I wish he would try to follow up on them.)The OM's fiancee said he told her the same thing, they don't talk about anything but work - and keep their personal lives seperate. He has been going home to her.<P>

JoeJohn,<P>My wife works at a hospitol where the other man also works. It was real tough for me to accept that nothing was going on between the two of them while the oppotunity for them to see each other at work still existed. For me there just came a time when I had to except that if they were going to see each other again, there wasn't much I could do about it. I did however call her work the last time I caught them together to ask about how often they might run into each other. Found out not that much. My call also resulted in most everyone that my wife worked with finding out about the affair. I think that the gossip has helped to keep them apart, although that was not my intent. I think my wife has alot of resentment for me yet for telling her coworkers about the affair. At the time, I didn't feel I had much of a choice. Ultimately it is up to you if you trust that your wife is not pursueing the otherman anymore. The work issue is a tough one, good luck and much strength to you.

Hey Joe- empty your email. We've been writing you all morning and it says your quota is full.<P>BTW, sounds like a plana/b hybrid. If you feel comfortable and not taking advantage of- then i dont think its so bad. It all comes downto your expectations and dissapointments.