Been trying to use tough love to bring my wife back. Haven't seen any visible results. Stumbled on this site and discovered Plan A. Well been working on it for about 2 weeks now with not many visible results. She had an affair and is still involved with him at work. Any input would be helpful.

Dfloyd,<P>Afraid all you can do is wait and be nice and supportive while she decides what she is going to do. This isn't what any of us would like - the alternatives are to press her when she isn't ready and take a chnace that way, or to give up on your own. Neither of these appeal to me.<P>It is so hard to watch our S's give their love, affection and attention elsewhere. You can do virtually nothing to stop the affair -she will only stop it when and if she wants to. You can do plenty to make things look good for you and the "coming/staying home" option if she decides to give you another look. Sorry....<P>But, there have been successes posted here, so keep the faith!<P>Good luck...<P>Roll Me Away

Yes, do plan A first. It helped me here. My husband never left but, was very very close to doing so.<P>Read all you can on this site and get the recommended books. They will all help. <P>You have come to a good place for support of people who really care.<P>Some of the people here give advise that is so worth while it is incredible. I don't know if I would have made it without the loving guidance and concern of the people here.<P>So a big <B>Welcome</B><BR><P>------------------<BR>God bless you and all of us.<P>Samantha<BR>

My understanding of plan B or "tough love" is not to bring your wife back to you, but to either protect you from dealing with the pain your wife's affair causes you or to protect your wife from the anger you will likely show her as a result of her ongoing affair. If these two issues aren't an issue yet, then plan A might be the way to go. <P>Good luck to you.

Dfloyd01, <P>You've stumbled onto a good site. Welcome.<P>Tough Love (i.e. Plan B) is hard to implement when there isn't much of a reason on the betrayer's to return to the marriage. <P>You have a long road ahead of you. I have walked many miles in your shoes and I can say there is hope. <P>First, I hope you are reading every book on marriage, infidelity, and relationships that you can get your hands on. Scour this site; the material not just the forum. <P>Second, review your Plan A approach. Are you now meeting her needs? Do you even know her needs? Start by trying to rebuild a friendship with your wife. That may take some time but it is about the only way to get back into her life. You can not expect to be husband and wife again without being friends first. <P>Finally, do your plan A and don't be concerned about results for 3-4 months. Yes, months. If you feel like you are making progress, go another 3-4 months and then reassess.<P>It's long, tough, heart wrenching, gut checking stuff. Sometimes you plan A in the face of severe rejection. Keep trying. <P>And, most importantly, figure out your part in the affair. Affairs are not the reason for a bad marriage they are a symptom of a bad marriage. Keep posting.<P>Best Wishes, <P>SHA

DFloyd,<P>I tried Plan A, but only for about a month. It's so hard - you feel like a doormat, and you're pouring out love and trying to be understanding and affectionate, and you get nothing in return sometimes. I didn't do Plan A very well - I begged her to give us a chance, to come back, to go to therapy, all the things you really shouldn't do.<P>I moved to Plan B on the advice of my therapist. Suddenly, she wanted to come home - she still wants space and time to "figure out what she wants - six weeks" and insists that her and the OM aren't seeing each other. I am not pouring out affection or anything like that - I am being kind, gentle, I listen and I respect her, but I don't tell her how wonderful she is, how much she means to me and how much I love her. <P>Try Plan A. At least for a little while. Get Dr. Harley's book and my many people here can suggest some good books. I also pray often, put my faith in God and try to give up all control to him. It helps. <P>Good Luck, and God Bless!<P>Joe