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#3139 08/20/99 08:17 PM
Joined: Nov 1998
Posts: 28
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Dont know how unusual this is. I am the betrayer, but it's my wife who wants to quit. Because of what I did,(and yes it was devastating, hurtful, and inexcusable) she has been unable to feel any love from me. She believes I love only th OW, and in fact talks about how to get us back together. Dot even talks about seeing the OW, and trying to convince her to be with me. <BR>I do love Dot with all my heart, (although I admit that what I did certainly made it seem otherwise) andI want to rebuild, and spend my life with her. She feels so unloved and destroyed that she sees no hope for us.<BR>Anyone else have any experience or ideas about this?<BR>I (WE) need your help.<P>

Joined: Jun 1999
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Lots of unmet needs on her side before the affair - you have lots of work to do - will she talk about what was missing in the marriage befor the affair?

Joined: Aug 1999
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are you still involved with the OW? Have you told her it is her that you want to be with? And shown it, by not communicating at all with the OW? She is understandably very very hurt right now, maybe she is saying that she wants you to be with the OW just to see if that is what you want? I may e way off base here since i dont know much of the story. Only time will tell. good luck

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I have told my H several times that if OW is who he wants, then he should have her. Who am i to stand in the way of their happiness? Don't believe i mean it for a second, though.<BR>I just desparately want him to tell me I'M the one he wants, and to act that way, and to never speak to her again, and to be accountable for every second of the day, until i can trust him again. Also, i feel as though there is something desparately wrong with me, if he would stoop to hurt me so badly, and he never seems to try to reassure me that that is not the problem.<BR>At least by posting here, you are trying to understand what she is going through. It may still take a long time, but you are headed the right direction.<P>------------------<BR>for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, till death do us part.<P><BR>

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Hi Dots H,<BR> I'm glad to see you posting here, that may make a diffrence to Dot, it did when my h first started posting. It made him understand that I didn't hurt just to make him feel bad but because I hurt. <BR> Let her say anything she needs to, this rips your self esteem to shreds. I hope you understand that right now your wife is a very wounded lady, I'm sure she loves you, but she is also afraid, I mean once you cross the line, then we wives lose all our trust, how do we know you won't do it again ? I'm not saying YOU would, my h did but everybody is diffrent.<BR> Have you wrote the ow a letter telling her no more contact EVER yet ? If not this may go a long way toward helping Dot feel that you are with her because you love her, not because she is the consolation prize. A lot of us do feel that way I know I do. If ow would have left her h, mine wouldn't be here now, it hurts to believe that, to know it's true in your heart of hearts. This will take time and work, but your wife is worth that. <P>------------------<BR>Just call me - Deb<BR>------------------------<BR>The only day I can do anything about is today, yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not yet mine.<P>

Joined: Aug 1999
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A year after my H. started his affair and a year before I knew about it, he told me he was thinking about a divorce and considering moving out. It came as a shock to me. I knew he had been unhappy, always in a bad mood, sarcastic and hateful to all of us, but thought it was related to circumstances that would eventually disapppear. He did not admit to the affair, although I asked if he was having one. He just said he did not want to continue as we were. He said he just wanted to be alone. That it wasn't me just little things (mostly in the area of domestic tranquility and sex) that were driving him crazy. When he told me he wanted to leave, it was like a wake up call. It was in late October (1997) when he told me this, so I asked him if he would wait until after X-mas. He would be gone on flights 1/2 of that time anyway. <P>When he was on trips I read, read and read. Books about being married to a non-christian, books about improving communication skills, Venus and Mars, The Dance with Intimacy and others. The single most important thing I discovered that I think helped the most was the advise that even if my H did not want to work on our situation, did not think anything would or could change between us, that any changes in behavior, perceptions or attitudes I made would affect him, whether he was trying to change or not. I began by writing to him, trying out some of the skills the communication books reccommended. I made more efforts to provide more "dometic tranquility" and involve him in more domestic decisions when he was home from trips. I made every effort to be where ever he was when I was not at work. If he wanted to be at the farm, that was where I went after work. I quit going to church when he was home (this wa advised in the book about being married to a non-believer)and stayed in bed with him on Sunday Mornings. I quit attending any club or community activities I was involved in if he was home. I started dressing more provocitively (sp?) and set up several fun romantic situations without the kids around. He did not move out. <BR>Seven or eight months after he had mentioned his intentions to move out, he bought us a very nice home to move into, with much more space and a pool. I was convinced we were on the road to recovery. He gave me diamond earrings for our 17th anniversary (October 1998) and a digital camera for Christmas. We were communicating much better, and I had fallen in love with him all over again.<P>In Feb. I discovered the love letters from the OW. We had made passionate love the nite before. I was, of course, devestated. He told me pretty much everything over the course of the next two months. How they had met. How much he loved her. How she had helped him when he had been so unhappy. etc. He said he loved me more, but differently. At the same time I discovered a secret post office box, a secret long distance calling card service, with phone calls he was paying for so she could call relatives her husband did not want her communicating with. There was a secret credit card to pay for the secret calling card. ON his passport I discovered that he had been to South America 4 times to see her when she was there visiting relatives. I had known about one of the trips, but he had told me he was going with some pilot buddies. I found a couple of rolls of film that had been developed once, but were hidden in his bag, so had them deeloped again. Naked Pictures in hotels, both of her alone and them together. When confronted with those, I asked him where he had his copies. He lied of course, so I spent the next several weeks looking for them. Found his collection by accident at our farm. He had more pictures of her over a two year period than he had of me in 17 years. Many of them in thong bikinis. There were more love letters in the packet too. One from him saying that He could not tell her how much he loved her. Several from her, calling him her "one and only" *barf*<BR>In the meantime, he told me he would end it, that he had never thought we could have progressed the way we had over the last year, but had not wanted to abandon her once the relationship had started. He let me talk to her, to hear her say that she did not want to marry him. That they were just good friends. He has not taken any trips to the state she lives in since the month I found out. He has talked to her, as evidenced by the phone bills I found, but says that those calls were to tie up loose ends. One of those being that he had promised to find a good computer for her. She would pay him back, of course.<BR> As all this was going on I was still reading and trying to live the advise I found in the books. I read The Ten Second Kiss and have used a lot of the advise in that book. I have read "A Course in Miracles" by Marian Williamson, and of course "His Needs/Her Needs. Throughtout it all I tried to make all decisions based on love, not fear or anger. I did not blackmail the OW with the Pictures or make the H burn them, although I made him very much aware that I expected him to eventually get rid of them. Which he finally did in June, (although he prob. made copies!) The OW left the country for two months to get "over him" and to put distance between them, this I found out in one of the letters in the packet of pics.<BR>When she returned to the states, the computer had been delivered, but no check had arrived so I sent a bill. The first week of July she called me to tell me that it was a good bye present and that she was not supposed to pay for it. When I questioned the H with this info, he admitted that he had meant it as a present. He had not expected her to call me! She said she did not want it anymore, but could not pay $800.00 or send it back or her hubby would be suspicious! To make payments would only drag out the contact between us. I could not tell her to "Just Keep it, Honey" although that is what my H wanted me to do. She wanted to hear that I would not tell her H, so was afraid not to resolve the computer issue, so kept calling me about it! I finally told her I would accept a payment of $400.00 if that would end it all. She agreed, told me she did not want my H to call or write her anymore, that he was too much trouble, and she wanted him to be happy with me! She did, however add, that if in the future we, together, wanted to call to see how she was doing, that she would like to know how we were too! Yeah, right!<P>I feel pretty secure and happy with my H when he is home. He has made efforts to please me and reassure me with little cards, and presents. We have taken several trips together. Our sex life has been better now than it has ever been, as if we are making up for lost time. He has confessed to still wanting the OW as a friend to talk to about "us". but swears he has not talked to her since July. I still get angry when I remember finding all the things I found or think about his behaviour toward me and the kids two years ago. I still worry that when he is flying he is continuing to call her. I wonder when the e-mail contact will start.<BR>I absoulutly do not trust him, but do love him and treasure every moment we are together happily and united.<P>I guess I have gone into this long story to say mostly to you that perserverance can pay off. Keep the love-busters at bay. We were created to love, not hate or fear, and the miracle of it all is that our minds can be changed to allow miracles to happen. I don't feel that I have made all the sacrifices, although it prob. sounds like that to you. I have simply realized that this man meant the world to me, and I was not doing all I could to make him aware of that. His love bank for me was depleated because at least 3 of his basic needs were being neglected due to my inability to see that my behavior was not a true reflection of the love and dedication I felt for him. My love bank was suffering too, but I realized that he was almost at the point of not caring if I was dissatisfied. Only I could effect changes at the beginning, and part of that change involved swallowing my pride for a while, and expressing to him the loving acceptance and appreciation that existed in my heart.<BR>Well, hmmm. Does this make any sense? Should I write love manuels? hehe.<BR>Your comments appreciated, and I hope it has not been too long and boring.<P><BR> <P>

Joined: Dec 1998
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Hello, Dots H (and Dot). It's been a while, hasn't it? I thought you guys were rebuilding and making things work out. What has happened in the past nine months that makes things appear hopeless? What exactly does Dot say that makes you believe she doesn't love you? Or can't feel love from you? Help me understand what you both are dealing with.<P>------------------<BR>***I have finally found JOY in my soul!"<P><BR>

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Thank you all for your encourging words. Fran, to give you more insight, my wife has never said she doens't love me. She loves me very much and still does. But she believes I truly am in love with the OW, and not her, because if I loved her she woudl feel it, and she doesnt. She believes I came back to her for wrong resons (the kids) and not because I really want to be with her.<BR>As for contact with the OW, no ther has not been any. Haven't seen her in over a year. I did a lot of things that caused so much hurt to Dot, even to the point of leving and telling her i wanted a life with the OW. I think the hurt and pain of those memories is so bad, that they prevent her from feeling the love i have for her.<BR>Today she pleaded with me to call the OW and try to make things right with her again and move on with our lives.<BR>But I will keep plugging along and trying to rebuild, as long as I can keep her here.<BR>Thanks again for the encouragement.<BR>


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