hi, i'm a male in his '20s who is at his wits end. i'm a worrier by nature and i can't decide if recent feelings i've been having are something to feel bad about or not. i have been married about two years. before i met the woman i married i had a good friend that is female. we hung out together all the time, shared many of the same interests, always had a good time - but we were just friends. NOTHING has ever happened between us. not even a kiss. she dated other guys, i dated other girls - things were good. then i met my wife and i was crazy about her. in fact, me and this woman who i was friends with (lets call her sue for the hell of it) would talk about how much i liked her. she would give me advice...blah, blah, blah. anyways - fast forward three years and i get married to my wife. things are great and they are still great. sue and i have always kept in touch, she came to my wedding and everything. my wife has never had a problem with our friendship and still doesn't. she is amazingly understanding and non-jealous. lately i have been hanging out with sue more often than normal. we just go out, have a good time. we share many of the same interests - a lot that i don't share with my wife. i've been thinking about sue a lot and looking forward to time we spend together. yet, i'm still incredibly happy with my wife! there are literally no problems. i just like hanging out with both of them! both of them compliment my personality very well, but in different ways. some interests i share with my wife that i don't share with sue. some interests i share with sue that i don't share with my wife. i feel really torn though. as though i've been thinking and enjoying my time with sue too much. guilt is setting in. i would hate to have to cut sue out of my life because she makes me happy. but i don't want to jeapordize my marriage either. i love my wife more than anything and work very hard to make it work. yet, i don't want things with sue to escalate. she probably has no interest in me other than friendship anyways - again, i emphasize there has never been any sexual relations between us. i know if sue was a guy this wouldn't even be an issue. but she's not. and i feel confused. can somebody help?

It seems to me you are beginning to think in terms of "or" vs. "and", and if there is ever a person who is a friend and purely platonic, you would never think in terms of "or".<P>Because your wife isn't meeting all of your emotional needs, Sue is able to do so. I suggest you cut off contact with Sue - and work on your emotional commitment to your wife, along with the needs for your wife. <P>I can't imagine that you have the energy to fill both needs for Sue and for your wife, do you? I would imagine if you are feeling like you need Sue to fill some emotional needs, that your wife feels like she needs someone to fill her's too! <P>So, get back to work on your relationship with your wife, don't let that "comfortable" feeling deceive you. <P>Good Luck

HI Aloof,<BR> thank God you found this place in time!! My advice STOP NOW before you cross the line. <P> Read this site. All of it. You need to define the "needs" the other woman (OW) meets that your wife (W) doesn't meet. Tell her what needs she has to work on.<P> I wouldn't tell her about your feelings for OW as of yet. It will CRUSH her and make her VERY angry!!! This will not help her to meet your needs.<BR> Get the book by the Dr. Harley "His needs Her needs" It's excellent.<BR> This will help define "HER" needs to and will help you get the marriage you never dreamed you could have!!<BR> I respect you a WHOLE LOT for posting NOW!! You seem to love your W VERY much.<BR> Whenever you have the "BAD" thoughts about OW. Come here and see the INCREDIBLE PAIN. that an affair will bring to your W. AND TO YOU MY FRIEND AND TO YOU!!<P> I don't know if you have religious beliefs but satan is tempting you. He hates marriage. God hates divorce.<BR> Hence the POWERFUL tug of war!! Between God and satan (or simply "good and evil" "right and wrong" whatever you want to call it!!) <BR> Your marriage will be in the middle. It could tear it apart!! <BR> You and your W my friend are one of the lucky families that God leads here VERY early. Early enough to stop it before the incredible PAIN BEGINS. If I scared you good because THIS IS AS CLOSE AS YOU'LL EVER GET TO HELL if you cross the line!!!<P> Good Luck, there are good people here. Use them, become friends and learn how to have a better SAFER marriage!!<BR> I'LL/WE'LL be praying for you. FRANK<P>------------------<BR>desperate<BR>"If yesterday didn't stop today, Why should TODAY stop tomorrow??" <BR>"Wisdom is why!!"<P>

Aloof,<P>In response to your question are you having an affair?<P>You will get a resounding yes from me. <P>Definition of an affair from Medic: anything that is detrimental to your marriage or partner.<P>Key points you have given.<P>1. hanging out with "Sue" more often.<P>2. looking forward to spending time with "Sue"<P>3. thinking about "Sue" alot<P>4. sharing with interests with "Sue" and not with W<P>5. feeling guilt<P>You are thisclose to moving to the physical stage and consumate the affair. I believe that everything is not quite so good in your marriage if you have to hang with "Sue". Now is the point to examine what you truely want. Do you want your W and marriage? Or do you want "Sue"? Think long and hard about this. I wouldn't want to see another member join our club.<P>Wishing us all the Best.<P>Medic

thanks for getting back so quickly. while i understand what you are saying, i can't help but feeling that there has to be another way other than just eliminating sue from my life. its tough to just take a close friend, somone you care about who has stood by your side through some pretty tough times, and say "see you later." i don't keep any secrets from my wife. that was one thing that i swore when i got married i never would do. when i go out with sue, she knows, and she knows where i am, and she knows when i'll be home - its a respect thing. and sue is not instigating this or pushing it any further either. she is just being my friend like she always has been. i don't think sue and I's relationship has changed. before my wife came along this is exactly how we were. but now that i have a wife, i feel as though this is wrong. i mean - is it possible to have opposite sex friends? i use to think so, but now i am not so sure... if me and sue had been boyfriend/girlfriend at one time, or if we had some sort of sexual relationship than this would be more cut and dry. i would have to end it because i would know the potential for some sort of infidelity would be there. but there hasn't - i just think about her a lot lately. some of you on this page write about "emotional needs." i'll admit that sue fulfills some emotional needs that my wife doesn't. i'm just being honest. but how could i expect my wife to fulfill EVERY emotional need i have? i mean she is only human. as human beings we are very complex emotionally and require a lot of different things that can't possibly come from just one person. example: if you look at me and my wife's interests and disinterts on paper, we would look pretty different. if you look at sue and i's interests they look very similar. yet, for some reason my wife and i just click - for whatever reason it works. sue and i don't work in any way other than friends. i mean if something was going to happen, wouldn't it have happened already? i'm just playing the devil's advocate here. really, i'm confused and messed up and want to make the right choices so badly. i watched my parents have a horrible divorce and swore that it would never happen to me. i don't want to fall in love with sue, i really don't, but i'm afraid if i cut her off completely i'll hold some sort of resentment towards my wife. love is so complicated. damn.....

Dear aloof:<P>I have one question for you. In your last post you state, "i don't keep any secrets from my wife. that was one thing that i swore when i got married i never would do."<P>Here's my question: Does your wife know that you're feeling guilty about your relationship with Sue? Does she really know how much you think about Sue and look forward to spending time with her? <P>I think you need to listen to your gut, here. You're feeling guilty for a reason. Your conscience is speaking to you, but if you don't listen to it, pretty soon you won't be able to hear it any more. I was in a situation similar to yours many years ago, and trust me, it is VERY easy to end up where you never, ever intended to go. Please don't go there.<P>I know it will be hard to cut Sue out of your life. If she is really a friend, you will be able to tell her what is going on and if she really cares for you and your wife, she will understand and step aside for the good of everyone involved. Sure, it will be painful and you will miss Sue, but it will get easier with time. Take the time you spent with Sue and use it to cultivate your relationship with your wife, and to add some same-sex friends to your life. <P>I hope everything goes well for you!<BR>

you are sailing close to the wind, if you can't get Sue off your mind - ask yourself what is she doing there. It is not necessary for there to be a sexual relationship to be called an affair.<BR>Ask yourself why you can't cut sue out of your life?<BR>if you are thinking about her more, and looking forward to her visits, these would very clearly be setting off warning bells in my mind, and clearly it does with some of the other readers<BR>I would wish you good luck - but it is going to take more than that<BR>

aloof ,<P>A question for you.<P>Why did you ask, “am i cheating?”<P>I think you know the answer but are afraid to admit it.<P>Sexually cheating? Not from what you said. But emotional cheating, absolutely. You are letting Sue fill some of your needs that you should be getting from your wife.<P>You need to quit seeing her. It will be difficult because she has been a good friend, but from what you describe, if something happens between you & the Mrs. you could run to Sue, “just to talk” and end up where you do not want to be. It happens everyday. To people who you would swear would <B>never</B> do anything like that. Ministers, doctors, lawyers, mothers, fathers, etc.<P>Why aren’t you going out with your wife? If you do and enjoy it, then why are you going out with Sue?<P>Bottom line. What do you value more? Sue or your marriage & your wife?<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html</A>

Aloof:<P>One word answer -- YES.<P>I don't think you have to cut Sue out of your life (unless your W wants you to), but you have to do several things:<P>1) Stop hanging around her so much -- especially <I>without</I> your wife. It may be innocent right now, but it probably won't stay that way.<P>2) Include your W when you and Sue hang out. If she chooses not to come with, then be sure you aren't with Sue in any unpopulated places where misunderstandings can occur. (i.e., don't hang out at her apartment alone)<P>3) Be honest with your W about feelings you're having about Sue (thinking about her alot, wanting to spend time with her). These are the things my W <I>didn't</I> tell me as her attraction to OM was growing. I look back now and <I>know</I> I should have seen it coming because of all the signals.<P>4) <B>Honestly</B> solicit your W's input re: spending time with Sue. Don't just say "Honey, do you mind that I spend so much time with Sue?" If she's a conflict avoider, your W's not going to say "yes" even if she IS bothered by it. Lay out the facts to her as you've laid them out for US and ask for her input.<P>5) <B><I>ABIDE BY THE POLICY OF JOINT AGREEMENT</B></I>. Don't continue to see Sue if your W doesn't want you to. This is a partnership, NOT a monarchy. You have to AGREE on these things.<P>It ain't easy, but honesty up front will save you LOADS of guilt in the long run. I really wish my W had come to me and told me that she was attracted to OM. I know now that I really always suspected it, but if she had admitted it before the affair, I probably would have been scared into insisting she limit or eliminate contact with OM. At the very least, I would have insisted on counseling for us to get over our problems. Instead, I chose to ignore the signs that were there -- signs that I see the beginnings of in YOUR situation.<P>Tell me honestly, what are you gonna do if Sue leans over and kisses you while you're alone in her apartment (or her car)? I'll tell you what my W did, she used it as an ice-breaker. She would never have instigated it herself, but when OM broke the barrier, she fell right in.<P>Don't let it happen to you.<P>------------------<BR>/// Lone Star * ///<p>[This message has been edited by Lone Star (edited November 17, 1999).]

I agree with Lonestar, as I often do, because I was in his W's place. <P>I was friends with the OM first, he listened, he cared, he smiled in the right places, looked concerned in the right places, we laughed at the same jokes, listened to the same music... need I go on??<P>Is it any wonder then, that one day when I least expected it, but had been wondering what would happen if we were left totally alone, that he leaned over and kissed me? <P>The rest is infidelity history, as they say.<P>Be careful, be very, very careful!! <P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P>

Aloof,<BR> Head all the words in the prceding posts. Affairs are a serious ADDICTION. You will not know right or wrong and won't care if you make bae decisions. My W wishes she had come to me and seriously told me what was going on, now she can't control what she does. Do yourself and your a favor and stop. Any withdrawls you have from Sue now will be mild compaired to what lies ahead. If you like PAIN and MISERY then by all means proceed. If you LOVE your wife like you say youdo, HONOR her and end relationship with Sue write her aletter thatseems to be the easiest way to do it. I'm glad you came here<BR>ALL of us have suffered the PAIN involved with this ADDICTION.

Ditto what everyone else said: you are in trouble and you know it. Do you have children? If so, you are not only risking your marriage, you are putting an entire family in jeopardy, and that would be very selfish.<P> IT IS NOT WORTH IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Run while you still can. My husband would give so much to be able to 'take back' what he did with our "friend". He's not only lost his "friend" he's lost some of his self-respect and the respect of others.

Aloof-listen to Lonestar! My H had his affair with his "best friend" that he grew up with. You chance losing them both if you continue on this path. Now he doesn't have her anymore and he almost lost me. I would talk to your wife openly, how is she supposed to know that she's not meeting all of your needs unless you discuss this with her? And you don't know just what she is feeling. I was incredibly jealous of the time my H spent with OW, but never said a word because I wanted to feel I was pleasing him by being the "non-jealous" wife! <BR>If you are worried you should be, and there has to be a way to explain it to your wife without lovebusting or hurting her too much, I would approach her in a calm way and tell her you are worried, even though things haven't progressed that far, that you are having some thoughts about your friend that you shouldn't and you need her support in this. Make your wife and yourself a team and it will work out, don't tell her and try to separate her from this issue and she will feel that separation and it could damage the good marriage you do have. God Bless!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<P>

Aloof,<BR>My advice like everyone else's is to run from Sue and cling to your wife. You haven't come right out and said it, but you wouldn't be here if you weren't tempted physically by Sue. Read some of the info. on this sight like about the Love Bank. Sue is depositing all kinds of units when you are with her. Your wife doesn't stand a chance of meeting all of your emotional needs as long as you are allowing someone else to. You and your wife need to start developing interest together. Do you need to cut sue out of your life? That depends on how tempted you are and if you are willing to set some very strict boundaries with sue. You need to spend absolutly no time alone with her. If your wife can't go, neither can you. I guarantee that your wife has noticed your increased interest in sue and really doesn't know what to do about it. Sue IS a threat to your marriage. Deal with the problem and then work on the symptoms of your wife not meeting your needs. Marriage takes a lot of work, it doesn't just happen. When I ask my h what was wrong with our relationship before he started his affair, he says nothing. The affair just HAPPENED. Don't let it happen to you, you are not the one man that can handle a friendship with a woman. Run NOW!

I agree with all those who said cut Sue off. If you go on as you are you're headed for affair-land, and the price of admission is much higher than you'd ever care to pay. <P>Unfortunately, sexual tension and "feelings" seem to be hallmarks of male/female friendship, and really, who needs the trouble?<P>Find a male friend you can confide in, and who likes the same things you do. Or try to do those things with your wife. Maybe she can't meet all your needs, but she can meet the emotional ones -- if you let her. <P>Like Derby said, don't think you're the one guy who can handle an opposite sex friendship.

Aloof--<P>Listen to Lonestar and heed his advice. VERY well said.<P>I also agree you do not necessarily have to end the friendship with Sue, but DEFINITELY put it back into perspective, and...always, always, always include your wife IN the friendship.<P>Tell your wife exactly how you're feeling.

Aloof,<P>Go back to the basic concepts at the home page of this site. And pull out the part about emotional needs.<P>Go through the questionaire, and decide who meets what needs for you.<P>Have your wife go through the questionaire, and find out how you can meet the right needs for your wife. <P>I bet your feelings for your wife increase, and your feelings for Sue decrease if your wife starts meeting the needs that are most important to you. Maybe sex isn't your most important need. So, this is why your relationship with Sue is so dangerous!!!!<P>Hurry!<BR>

I agree with all who have posted! You're treading in a dangerous area. You have the time and awareness to correct it. Please, do it before it becomes to late!<P>Youi may think we're overreacting. Interestingly, the posts that preceed mine are from both betrayed and betrayers. Most all of us know first hand what a "friendship" is that develops into something much stronger. And, the bonds of an emotional affair may be even harder to break that those of a physcial/sexual one. You've even refered to the fact -- almost in denial -- that it's merely a friendship. <P>Check my profile -- my W had an affair with her "best friend's" H. What are friends for, right? "Friends" wouldn't do that to one and other, or would they?<P>Take the suggestion and read about emotional needs, emotional affairs, and other sex friendships. It's a lot of reading, but if you look at it as proactive, you'll be MUCH better off.<P>Good luck<BR>--keystone