I am having a very difficult time with this. I don't know how to deposit love units when H isn't living here. I haven't seen him in over 4 weeks. I talk to him on the phone about every 2-3 days, just briefly. He asks about dd since she won't talk to him. I tell him that I am here when he needs me. That I love him, etc, but don't seem to be making much progress.<P>What else can I do? Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.<P>Sheryl W.

I have don't any suggestions. Because I am in the same boat, only you do talk to your H. I haven't talked to him in three months. So I understand just how hard it is to make love deposits. <P>------------------<BR>di<P>

I don't know that we can get anyone to accept what they are not ready to hear. You do however prove yourself to be a better person than he and if the time is right he will hear you. Keep faith as I am in the power of love and prayer.I feel if they don't eventually choose to come home they will be the ones to ruin their lives even though we will bear the pain of it.

Sheryl-<P>I am still hopeful that you continue to make progress in finding your way back to your relationship with you husband.<P>As you may recall, I've posted several other times on your questions and have indicated to you that during all of this it is important you understand that your husband is a very lucky man to have a wife that is "Hanging In" and trying to do so each and every day without LBing. (Not intended to use as LBing ammo, just a realization that helps you with your focus each day.)<P>One area you may look at that my wife and did very little to really examine while we were in the chaos and "Earthquake" of the pain, anger were our emotinal needs "Map" In looking back it is clear to me that a large part of our LBing / Negative Deposits included discussions that centered around that I was the cause of the state of our polarized marriage...I betrayed and I was the defective one that had broght on all the pain and hurt to our relationship.<P>While I accept 100% of the responsibility for my actions, I have to ask myself that as we were tying to cope and rebuild, if looking at more than just the rebuildiing blocks of honesty and trust would of given us a different perspective and emotional mindset to rebuild rather engage in too many LBing activities.<P>Have you examined for yourself, the areas that Dr. Harley calls "Emotional Needs" and how they could be given more importance or how you both could better attempt to understand them and they might play an important roll as to how you go about the task of rebuilding your marriage if you both decide to do so?<P>My wife and I had ignored and denied the importance of the "Emotional Needs" Dr. Harley talks of for such a long time.When it came to trying to rebuild it was like the foundation we built when we were first married had slowly slipped away each year like grains of sand.<P>That may be a beginning area to discuss in general terms with your husband about trying to both improve in these key areas as a way to focus on possible solutions rather than continued foucus on the problems each of you felt as well as the betrayal.<P>The focus at some point has to point to how can we develop win - win solutions for rebuilding and at the same time not discounting the experiences you both went through as a result of the betrayal.<P>Looking at those different needs may also help you to both recall some of the strengths that you still have that got you together in the first place.<P>Best of luck to you.<P>Regards,<P>mr rlk<P>

There is not much you can do to make deposits. However, there is plenty you can do to NOT make withdrawals. Do not love bust. Period. If you do, stop yourself and apologize, tell him you are working on it & won’t let it happen again.<P>What you are doing is having an effect on him. He may not even know it, but he is keeping tabs in his brain (what little he has )somewhere.<P>Heard of people being separated for a long time & the spouse who left kept every single card, letter and note sent to them.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html</A>

mr rlk,<P>Thanks for the response. In answer to your question as to whether I HAVE examined the "Emotional Needs" of our marriage and I know the problems and mistakes that I have made, however, I am still unsure how to go about filling those needs as long as he is not home. I don't see any way that I can fulfill his sexual needs at this point in time, nor the domestic support. I am working on the physical appearance, (lost 40 lbs in 4 weeks), but as long as he is with OW, I am at a loss as to what to do to deposit love units.<P>Thank you for reminding me that he is "a very lucky man", I just wish he could see that. But don't know how to accomplish that, yet. <P>He, at this point, isn't willing to "look" into anything as far as our relationship is concerned. He is in total withdrawal from me and the kids. Haven't seen him in 4 weeks. Only contact is phone calls about every 2-3 days, and that is getting to be less. I have left him cards and stuff in his car, but I don't see many changes in his attitude.<P>I have made a great effort to not love bust, and think that I have done a good job thus far. However, don't know how much longer I can do it. <P>I have told him that we HAVE to sit down and talk, and his response is he is really busy (which is true, big convention in town) but that doesn't really help me too much.<P>Thank you so much for your insight and help. I appreciate it very much and am trying to heed all the advice I get here, just don't know how to put it all into practice.<P>Thanks Again,<P>God Bless you and yours,<P>Sheryl W.

Thanks Chris, You put a smile on my face, something I think I am forgetting how to do. I appreciate that.<P>I have been trying really hard not to lovebust. Don't think I have since 3-4 days post discovery. Unless telling him that his daughter is turning away from him and about the horrible nightmares she continually has is lovebusting. Other than that, I have only told him that I am not giving up, I am here for him when he needs me, I love him and want him to come home when he is ready. Reminded him of some of the really good times, and told him I think he is sexy. Hope that isn't too bad.<P>Thanks for the advice.<P>God Bless you and yours,<P>Sheryl W.

My H now lives out of town. I'm wondering too how to make those deposits. Hate to bring up finances, etc. when we talk, but we do have a child to educate. It is a dilemma.

It really is difficult. If he were home, it would be so much eaiser.However the lovebusters would be easier also.I just don't see how just telling him that I am here when he is ready, will do much good.<P>I absolutely can not go into Plan B since he is the kind of person who will accept that as me saying "OK, it is over,go ahead and do what you want". So I don't know how to proceed. I am trying to be patient, hoping that her warts will begin to show and his guilt about daughters feelings will open his eyes. <P>Daughter, 5 yrs old, in kindergarten, is going to be awarded "Student of the Month" tomorrow, she invited him but I am afraid he will be "too busy" and that is going to break her heart one more time. I just don't know how much more she will take without shutting him out completely. She is too mature for her own good.<P>God Bless you and yours,<P>Sheryl W.