Can anybody tell me a way that I can get over what has happened to me? I went from being secure in my marriage to not being able to trust the only person who had never betrayed me...until now. I have such feelings of anger and fury toward the OM that it is hard to control sometimes. I was a total jerk toward my W before this happened. I didn't treat her with any respect or understanding at all. Why though did she have to express her displeasure in this manner? Since I found out, I have tried to treat her with love and respect and compassion at all times. In addition, I have tried to have more patience with our 4 children, which was a big issue with her. I still have fears that she is talking to the OM, even though she says that it is over. Help please!!!!<P>------------------<BR>She was the only one who had never betrayed me...until now.

Lost and scared,<BR>I know how you feel and my heart goes out to you. You have just had the rug pulled out from under you. It is completely normal to be feeling the way you do. <BR>The positive side to this, is that you are recognizing your behavior, and what you can change in your marriage. Try to sit down with your wife and explain as calmly as you can that you want to work on your marriage. The shock of this may be to new for you do to it right away. Try to get your thoughts together. Explain to her that you have neglected her feelings. Explain to her that you are willing to try. I am sorry that you are dealing with this. It breaks my heart everytime I see a new name on this forum. Look to God and He will show you the way.<BR>Good luck<BR>cc

Lost and scared<P>I am so sorry you're having to go through this, too. The pain and shock of having the one you trusted to stand by you and protect you is the one that hurt you is more devastating that almost anything. <P>You're doing the right things, though. Make yourself the husband you know you want to be. Be honest with your wife and believe in both of you and the possiblities of your marriage for as long as you can. <P>My friends here tell me time will heal. If you need us, remember..we're always here.<P>-Lori

Lori and ceecee,<P>Thanks for the wonderful post. I must make mention that this happened two months ago now. I am still having trouble dealing with the thoughts that pop up at times. We have had a real good day today, even though most of it is just daily mundane stuff such as grocery shopping and laundry and so forth. She seems very happy most of the time, I just have concerns with her talking to him. The other day I picked her up from work and as I walked into her office and kissed her, the phone rang. I swear as I looked at the number displayed that it was his number at work. She says that I must have read it wrong when I confronted her with this. However, I called it when I got home and the number that I thought I saw was indeed his number. WHat should I do?

I didn't want this reply when I was only tow months into it but here it is...Time. Time does help. We are not healed and right now my H is planning on moving out for a third time but the thought of the OW does not make me break into tears like it used to and I do attribute it to time.<P>Be patient and hang in there.

Hoping,<P>How long since it all started for you? I feel as if this summer has been a lifetime. There are times that things seem normal...other times I'm not sure. But I have faith that we can work it out as long as HE isn't around anymore...I want to confront him at times and ask him why he took advantage of a bad situation...not sure if I should.

My 2 cents worth.<P>It took a long time for your marriage to deteriorate to the point to where someone you blindly trust could betray you. It's going to take time to repair the damage...even with your excellent efforts. Hang in there. It took a long time for bad habits to finally break her resolve, so the same goes for good habits winning her back completely.<P>As for the creep, yes, I would confront him in some way. But I wouldn't play the guilt trip. He obviously doesn't have much of a conscience at the moment. Is he married? Threaten to tell his spouse if there is ever any contact again. If necessary, find out where he works and have a quiet word with his boss. A little office gossip or a "quit bringing your soap opera personal life into my office" talk from his boss can work wonders in getting your wife's lover to disappear.<P>Tell him he should think more about his physical health than his d*ck the next time he considers about seeing your wife again.<P>With your wife, know that you are still somewhat of a jerk in her eyes and she misses the affair partner who was a refuge from her storm. Give her every break in the world, but do what you can to keep them completely apart. Cut her all the slack you can, be patient.<BR>

Lost and scared<BR>I don’t have a lot of additional advice but just to let you know I’m another one who is here to help get you through this. How extensive was her affair? Has she said she would stop all contact. It sounds like she is covering up continued contacts. Sounds like you are doing the right thing by being a good husband. Are you able to talk with her? At some point, it needs to be clear to her that it can’t continue with you in her life. She needs to decide. Any kids? I’m at about 7 months since discovering my Ws affair. Contact has stopped but we are not making a lot of progress (partly because of my impatience and expressions of anger etc.). I get so tired of people saying Time, Time, Time, but I know now it does take a lot of time. I hate it. I want my w and I to jointly develop a formula - a plan of action, for us to recover, repair, and rebuild. But my w is in no hurry for anything. She just wants to live life like nothing ever happened. She says she can’t work on us until she is committed and she is not yet committed. I hate to tell you this but you have a long road ahead. Thankfully you have found this place. Ron<BR>