Okay, I'm going to ask a rhetorical question: how do I keep my husband happy and faithful? What is it that you men want the most out of your relationships? What keeps a man's eyes and hands from wandering? <P>Yep, I've read all the stuff on this website. I now have in my possession Harley's book on recovering from an affair. I'm just curious about your personal experiences and advice.<P>You can click on me to find the story of our marriage. Thanks for your input!<P>Marlo

Marlo ... I'm not a guy, but I'd like to help. My husband has been out of our home now for a year, but I've also read everything on this site and several of Dr. Harley's books. So take this from whence it comes.<P>One of the things you need to do is to find out what <B>your husband's</B> emotional needs are. What were the reasons he sought another woman - twice? I don't think asking all the guys what they are looking for will help much, because all people are different. Find out what needs the other women met for him that you did not and see if there are ways that you can meet those needs comfortably for him.<P>At the same time, don't forget that you have emotional needs, too. He should be working on meeting those while you are working on meeting his. If there are needs that either of you feel are extremely important, it is IMPERATIVE that you communicate this to each other!<P>Personally, I feel that effective communication is the key - with it, you understand one another and without it there are many misunderstandings... Learn not to punish honesty, no matter how difficult it is to hear what he has to say.<P>I hope this post contains some small measure of help ...<BR><P>------------------<BR>terri<BR>I believe in miracles...<BR>

Marlo --<P>First thing that already helps is that you are recognizing the need to work on the relationship at an early point in your marriage. Even though things have been bumpy so far, it's not like you've been married 20 years and it's NOW dawning on you.<P>Next, if you haven't already read them, check out the threads regarding working with OP and those related to other sex friendships. Based on your profile, they have some significance. Your H should really make the attempt to cut his ties to the co-worker/OW. I'm in a related media as well, and I know how hard that can be.<P>Next, take some time -- make some time -- to spend together as a couple. One of my major mistakes/LB's was that work and my kids took first positions over my W. After the birth of our second child (9 years ago), I think we've have an out-of-town overnighter, alone, once. We lost almost all intamacy. What we didn't lose was forced.<P>Remember what brought you two together in the first place. Try to build from that. Recreational stuff is a key area. If you both like doing the same things, why no do them together. Emotional needs are the cornerstone of your relationship -- the things that brought you together. Don't lose sight of them!<P>Last and most important -- COMMUNICATE. Talk each day, in a meaningful way, in a positive way, in an open way. if something bothers one of you, your spouse should be open to hearing about it. And you should be open to listening without being defensive or overly critical. There are two sides to every story, even though we seem preoccupied with only ours.<P>If something is bothering you, address it right away. Don't let it fester. It may be a problem that developed as a result of something else. Remember that affairs are an effect, not a cause.<P>Avoid travel away from home for long periods of time. Idle minds (and hands) wander. In my case, I was so often tempted with "opportunities" to screw around, I totally shutdown all relationships. It was not uncommon to be on the road for months at a time, and without my wife traveling with me. When I returned home, I couldn't tear that wall down for my own wife! <P>Lastly, maintain trust and honest with each other. If one partner feels threatened, the other partner must address it -- and do so truthfully. <P>I'm sure others here have some good posts coming, so I'll fall back in line...<P>-- keystone<p>[This message has been edited by keystone (edited November 16, 1999).]

Marlo-<P>Terri and Keystone offer great words of wisdom. Read all you can on this site and you may want to really focus on the "Emotional Needs" areas that Terri mentions.<P>IT IS SO IMPORTANT! Other MB forum participants help me but if I recall, the "Emotional Needs" exercise is in "Give & Take...The Secret to marital Compatibility" The "Emotional Needs" exercise is also on this site. Either way it is a really upfront way to force you to look in the mirror and be honest with yourself.<P>Also consider "Marriage Insurance...Building a Divorce-Proof Marriage" also by Dry Willard F. harley, Jr. as well as his "His Needs, Her Needs" In addition, Covey has published several books on win-win that holds the same perspective on the "Lose" of win-lose as "Love Busting".<P>Also, "Making Love Stay" by Peggy Vaughan & James Vaughan, Ph.D adds to the "Emotional Needs" attention that two people need to work on from the day they are married, each and every day. For other information check out <A HREF="http://www.vaughan-vaughan.com" TARGET=_blank>www.vaughan-vaughan.com</A> & <A HREF="http://www.work-family.com" TARGET=_blank>www.work-family.com</A> <P>mr rlk

Marlo --<P>Just started reading one of Harley's books, "SURVIVING THE AFFAIR". It's amazing how clear the points hit home.<P>If it's anywhere near half accurate, you might want to try his book "HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS". I understand that it addresses a lot of the emotional needs that our posts have mentioned.<P>One last point: <P>One thing I mentioned in my earlier post is the travel away from home. If you do a lot of "distant location work" -- if you're in the media, you know what I mean -- or your H does, beware. It's a breeding ground for trouble. Too many adults with too much idle time. Too many opportunities to "play" without being watched. If you and your H can avoid those projects, you're better off. Although I basically avoided trouble on the road, the troubles developed with my W back home. Neglected spouses find ways -- consciously or not -- to get into trouble.<P>Good luck.<P>--keystone

You guys are so awesome.<P>Terri: We've talked a lot about emotional needs, and filled out the questionaires.<P>His: <BR>1. honesty and openness<BR>2. conversation<BR>3. sexual fulfillment<BR>4. recreational companionship<BR>5. affection<P>Mine:<BR>1. honesty and openness<BR>2. affection<BR>3. conversation<BR>4. sexual fulfillment<BR>5. recreational companionship<P>It's really quite uncanny that we have all of these in common. <P>Keystone: this media world is a very small one and it's hard to completely disconnect from those who work in it. The Vampire (as I affectionately call her) was just passed over for a promotion, so perhaps she will take that as a sign and move on? Now, H and The Vampire never see each other, except during a shift changeover. As far as trips away, I almost never go on trips for more than a day, so that's not too much of a problem.<P>mrrlk: thank you for the reading suggestions. I love to read. I could open my own self-help library!<P>His second affair occured after I got massively depressed in June, and that strung out all summer long. I was having family problems, my brother and his wife were arrested for dealing drugs, and I had leftovers from his first affair that I never dealt with at the time, and everything just got very ugly. I was buried and I couldn't swim to the top of the black murk, and he decided he had to escape. <P>The first affair happened, again when I was buried, too many extracurricular activities and we had NO TIME to play together. I'm starting to believe that THAT is the key thing for our relationship. I'm very much a "Type A" personality, and I have a list of a million things in my head I think I need to get done, before we can have fun. But "fun" should be very close to the top of that list, because it's very important to both of us. If we don't make time for each other, why in the world are we married? We could just be roommates.<P>I don't know if it's possible to recover this fast, but we really are doing awesome and it suprises me. And I'm trying very hard to feel all the yucky stuff as it comes, instead of burying it for excavation at a later time.<BR>

Ok...now both of you take the Love Busters Questionnarie and put them side-by-side and discuss them.<P>Can help identify your Love Busters and those of your spouse too! Satisfying emotional needs is difficult to accomplish if there is Love Busting going on.<P>Take a look!<P>mrrlk

Okay, good idea mrrlk. I will print that out tonight! I sort of forgot about that, so thanks for the reminder.<P>My H will be so thrilled about another form to fill out (LOL). We're in the process of buying a house, and I think he might go over the edge if he has to sign his name one more time! Hopefully this house will work out, and we'll sell our place, so we don't have to write another offer for awhile. It's a tedious business, this house-buying stuff.<P>But just to put it in perspective: in the USA, one of the biggest stressors is buying a house. In many countries, the biggest stressor is fear of getting killed in the civil war.