Well, if you've been following my posts this week, you'll know that my H is expressing resentment over what he considers to be my POd attitude, having to be "nice" to me all the time, and the conditions I set when I came back home. Actually, the only condition I set was that he not go to her restaurant when she was there or be anywhere around her if I'm not there. I have not asked him to account to me for his time and whereabouts, otherwise. I have not been "checking up" on him other than the occasional "ride by" the Cafe Woman's restaurant.<P>It seems to be really strange that all this comes to a head just as Cafe Woman and her BF break up.<P>I'm going to discuss this with my counselor before I do anything, but I think I'm going to have to do it, even though it'll probably kill me.<P>I think that I'm going to try to give my H the gift of my trust. I'm going to tell him the following things:<P>That I love him very much.<P>I'm going to tell him what I consider to be infidelity, just so he understands that what he may consider to be a "friendship" may actually cross the line for me.<P>That I'm going to try to trust him in the future.<P>That I can see that he resents my insistence that he never go to the Cafe Woman's restaurant when she's there; therefore, I am going to tell him that he need not fear that he will "catch hell" from me if he goes there for lunch without me. I will ask him, however, to respect my feelings in the following ways: 1. To please not sit at the "community table" in the back where she always sits when the restaurant isn't busy.<BR>2. To not discuss our relationship or marriage with her. 3. To not be alone with her.<P>I'm going to ask him not to get mad if I nicely let him know that I feel he's behaving inappropriately when we're together in public...such as the time when he was openly flirting with her while virtually ignoring me. I will let him know by saying, "I love you" or something similar.<P>I will tell him that I love him and trust him not to hurt me again.<P>However, I will also tell him (again) that my tolerance for cheating and lying is at 0.<P>So, by doing this, I am taking the risk that something really will happen between him and her. But, if I don't, he will harbor resentment against me.<P>So, what do y'all think? Any suggestions? I'm scared to death of what may happen.

Sweetpea,<P>you brave stong woman. I don't know that I could do that. My hands are shaking at the thought of saying all that to my H - I don't think I could.<BR>I understand why you want to do that, to display your trust, but it would eat me up inside. Do you think that you really have the trust enough to say those things to him.<BR>Does he work in OW restaurant? If not, why is H there?<BR>I think you're wonderful to want to do that for him, and to get back on the road of developing trust again, but personally, for me, it wouldn't happen. I have read Dr Harleys "How to end an Affair" and if my H ever decides he wants to try again with me, I'm going to have to follow his guide, and that is NO contact with OW.<BR>I'm so sorry I can't be more supportive of you, but I would like to be honest with you.<P>Take care, and my prayers (yes, I've learnt how to pray) are with you whilst you do this<P>Jo

Bonnet,<BR> Thank you. I don't know about brave, but I hope I'm strong enough to deal with this.<P> My H emphatically denies having an affair or even an attraction for Cafe Woman. The only thing he's admitted to is a one-night stand in which he contracted an STD, which he passed on to me...and it took over 13 years to get him to finally admit that.<P> No, my H and I own a business together. Cafe Woman owns a restaurant, and H likes to eat there.<P> I had no opportunity to learn on my own if my suspicions were true or not. I confided in my best friend, and her ex-H eavesdropped on the conversation and warned my H of my suspicions. I do believe that my H ended whatever was going on between them a couple of weeks earlier when I asked him if he was in love with someone else. Cafe Woman was certainly very angry with both him and me, although I had done or said nothing to her (she's supposed to be a casual friend); so, I figured that he had broken it off with her at that time.<P>I guess that by doing this, I'm also giving him enough rope to hang himself. It is my hope that he loves me enough to decide on his own that he will not hurt me by going to her restaurant when she is there. But, I'm not counting on it. He has been known to disregard my feelings on quite a number of occasions. <P>I will have to bite the bullet, I guess. I don't know if I can handle this or not; but, I can either give him this chance or live with his resentment.

Oh boy, I stand by my comments that you are brave and strong.<P>How are you going to deal with this possible scenario:<BR>H has lunch at cafe woman's restaurant and tells you that he did so. Are you going to ? him as to whether she was there? H may get upset at you ?'ing him. How will you deal with him getting upset at your questions, and possibly not answering them.<BR>I only ask these questions because I can picture myself in that scenario. I would not be able to ask NO questions. I would probably invoke anger, because I would have to know. Is it worthwhile contacting Dr Harley with this one.?<P>You must be a wonderful person to be able to do this - your H doesn't know what he has a hold of.<P>Take care of YOU<P>Jo

Bonnet,<BR> Thanks for reminding me...that one of the things I'm going to do is ask him to not get mad if I ask him where he's been, etc.<P> I hope he will be honest with me if he goes to her restaurant. If I should happen to see that he's there, I think the best thing for me to do will be to go in there, greet him lovingly, and be sweeter'n hell. Actually, I've been sweeter'n hell to Cafe Woman for the past year; I'm sure that she's wondering what I'm up to! What I'm up to is getting on her nerves by being "oh, so sweet!" LOL!<BR> Well, it's time to get a bath and go to bed.<BR> Goodnight, All!<BR>

Sweetpea,<P>I think Jo has learned alot here...<BR>Unfortunately, I have to agree with her that the ultimate best way to handle this is for him to have <B>no contact</B>! This is hard... very hard. But situations like the one in Jo's second posts and so many other possiblities open yourself up to other problems.<P>If you can really "build" your marriage together... He should accept this no contact. If he doesn't accept it... maybe he isn't willing to statisfy your emotional need... full fidelity.<P>Much prayers...<P>Jim

HI Sweetpea,<BR> Well, it looks good on paper BUT!!! I try<BR>that with my W when she insisted that OM was like the father she "Wished" she'd had. (He's 60 years old fat and stupid looking)<BR> I told her it would be wrong for me to stop her from having a friend.<BR> SHE NOW LIVES WITH OM NOT ME!!! So, You decide if it's a risk or not.<BR> Is there ANYONE (outside of family and within reason) that you wouldn't cut ties with for your H? Think about it HARD and LONG!! <BR> I say NO WAY, NO CONTACT, MY WAY OR THE HIGHWAY!! It's asking for trouble ES since she broke off with her BF. PRAYERS AND LUCK FRANK<P>------------------<BR>desperate<BR>"If yesterday didn't stop today, Why should TODAY stop tomorrow??" <BR>"Wisdom is why!!"<P>

Sweetpea,<P>I have to go to pick up my daughter now, but please take care, and think long and hard about this.<BR>You need to think of you at this time - sounds selfish doesnt it, but you do.<BR>I know you're the one living it, and it's so easy for me to say this from my perch down here, but try not to set yourself up. We have to put our heads together (as my Mum says) and try to think of another way of handling this. I don't feel that H can have anything else to do with her - for your sake - but you need to feel comfortable with the course of action.<P>I'll ponder and get back. I'm heading down to the Gold Coast now, where my parents live so it may be tomorrow night that I'm back on. My folks are technically challenged and dont have a computer!!! Love their little cotton socks!!!<P>Take care of YOU<P>Jo

Oh, I definitely want him to have no contact with Cafe Woman, and I hope that he will respect my feelings on the matter.<P>However, he continues to deny that anything happened between them and is obviously resentful of my insistence on no contact. Besides, if he is going to be with her, that could happen at almost any time during the day, as he is out on job sites much of the day, and Cafe Woman is usually at her restaurant only during a few hours around lunchtime.<P>I will let him know that I prefer absolutely no contact, but I'm going to let him know that the choice is his and that I will not raise hell with him if he goes to her restaurant for lunch. I will also tell him that if I find out that he has cheated again or that he has continued to lie to me after I have asked for the truth, I will divorce him. No ifs, ands, or buts.<P>My H has told me to go ahead and put Caller ID on his cellphone , so I should be able to get a record of who calls his cellphone (he's too smart to call her on his cellphone). So, that is a concession from him that I didn't expect.<P>Anyway, I'm going to sort this out with my counselor today.

My opinion is your H needs to find a new "favorite" place to eat. If he knows the hurt and resentment him being there puts on you and he is serious about rebuilding, he should be willing to stop going there altogether as long as she works there at all.<BR>In fact, I guess that would be my condition for living under the same roof. Just my opinion.

If you live in a rural area like I do, there aren't many "favorite" places to eat!!! <P>I think your idea to compromise is maybe a good idea to end the conflict, but what about some other tactics?<P>Your need is to have honesty, and trust in your husband. Your husband's need is to be trusted again. <P>Where you differ in "values" needs to be understood more - for you to feel like you cam trist him without building resentment. Make sure you don't "attack" him on his character or integrity, but rather attack the issue.<P>Repeat to him what he says to you until you think you understand what he feels and what he needs. And keep retelling him how this issue makes you feel, not attacking him. This can help him build some trust in dealing with the "issue" - and not make him fearful of the discussion.<P>Am I making any sense at all? <P>I mean, I think bringing to the table what you will "settle" for - is good to end the conflict, but I think it would be a better goal to reach an understanding of how this issue of differences of "infidelity" makes each of you feel.<P>I think it is very good that you want to define infidelity to him. That seems to be the best way to start approaching this situation.<P>Also - timing is important. Make sure you find an appropriate time so that he feels very comfortable in talking with you. Seems like driving around is a good way to talk? Be sure to take time outs if it gets too heated.<P>Good Luck<BR>TNT

Well, I'm back from the counselor's.<P>I told her all that has transpired lately. For the first time, she told me that, based on my accounts of my H's behavior, she's getting the same picture that I'm getting. That while he has some feeling for me, he is not demonstrating much real love for me. His expression of resentment over having to treat me nicely and with respect is the reason she is beginning to think that way.<P>We discussed the communication problem, and I told her that the only thing I think my H communicates well is anger and resentment. She said, "Oh, I know! It was obvious to me when he was here that he is very closed up to talking about feelings." I said, "Yeah, because he was sitting there with his arms crossed and then threatening to walk out?" She said, "Yes. I think that your H has some issues he needs some help with, but he has to <B>want</B> the help." I understand why my H resents my setting limits on him; he felt that his mother controlled his father and is determined not to be "controlled"--to the point that sometimes, even my <B>asking</B> him to do something for me makes him balk like a mule. He apparently never saw what I saw--that his father was a very gentle, loving man who <B>wanted</B> to do whatever he thought would make his wife happy. Note: H is <B>exactly</B> like his mother!! But, he absolutely worshipped his father, who was the nearest thing to a saint that I've ever known.<P>Anyway, she warned me that what I'm preparing to do is very risky for our marriage, if he does have feelings for Cafe Woman. I said, "Yes, I know, and I'm scared to death. But, the alternative is to live with his resentment that will likely fester and blow up in my face, anyway." She agreed that his resentment would probably hamper any rebuilding efforts.<P>She asked me if I was prepared for the possibility that he would start up a full-blown affair with Cafe Woman. I said, "That's what I'm afraid of, but I will make it clear to him that any further infidelities or lies will lead to divorce."<BR>She then asked me if I had taken any action to protect myself financially. I told her that I wasn't worried about that, because legally, I own our business, and I handle all the money--that I can get my hands on a large sum of money at almost any time--'course, a few bills might have to go unpaid for a while, but that could be worked out. I also have credit cards in my name, so I can manage for a pretty good while if I need to do so.<P>So, tonight, I'm going to talk to my H about the situation. I will make it clear that the choice is his, and that even though I might feel pain over his choice, I will not "raise he!! at him". We shall see.<P>And, yes, we do live in a rural town, although there are several restaurants in town. This happens to be the most popular restaurant, because the food is good, and the service is fast.<P>I'm feeling somewhat at peace with my decision; I guess, because my H's choice of actions will either make or break our marriage. I'm putting the burden on him. Does that make sense?<P>Thanks for all the help.