Hi Skye<P>Thanks for your response. That's what I feel also.<BR>I have just implemented Plan B, H should have received the last loving letter today. I did tell him via ph that I was going to be taking myself out of the picture completely and that there was to be no more communication betw. us. This was after a ph. call where I wanted to discuss d's school enrolment (shes just about to start prep) and he told me to be quick!!! I told him to F... Off (cant believe I said THAT). He didn't even have the time to discuss d. That hurt.<BR>Anyway, I decided I didn't want to lose any more love units from his bank, and that the only way to hang on to the good feelings we still have betw. us is to go to Plan B. H doesnt know the details of Plan B, he only knows that there will be no direct communication. For anything regarding the children, he will call my sister. When I told him that there would be no direct communication, I could hear the sadness in his voice. Is this a good sign do you think?<BR>I feel quite a peace with myself and the world today - maybe actually making the decision was the hard part. I miss him so much already, any communication is better than none. However, I will be strong. Is this what they refer to as Tough love?<BR>Thanks for cheering me up<P>Jo

Hi! Jo,<P>I think you have to try this. I see the sadness in his voice, as a very good sign, of him ALREADY realizing how difficult it will be, to not have you as a part of his life.<P>There needs to be a CONSEQUENCE for his choices. He made a very significant choice, in having an affair, and you are showing him that you have LIMITS to what you will accept from him. That is probably the most loving and effective thing that you could do to try and save your marriage. Because, if you don't respect yourself...why would he? <P> A man NEEDS to respect the woman he loves, and how much could he have respected you, if you'd allowed life to just go on, as if NOTHING important had happened and changed in the relationship? You would have been signaling to him, that it was ok with you. That you don't deserve better than to be cheated on. You would have been teaching him that he could get away with anything...and you'd put up with it. And, that would have made him feel empowered, to continue doing more of the same, because he would have then known, you would accept anything, just to have him in your life, on any terms.<P>But, that is NOT true. Jo, you have shown him, through your courage to take a stand on this, that you DO deserve better, and that he has to be the kind of H, that loves and cherishes his wife and daughters. It shows him that you have VERY HEALTHY self-esteem! And, that you are someone to be reckoned with! <P> He is going to know that you mean business. He is going to be forced, to take a good look at his life now. He is probably surprised to find out how strong you are...good! That should shake him up abit. And, that's what you want to do. You DO NOT WANT him comfortable...you want him to be the one confused and off-kilter. <P>Be proud of yourself, this was a very difficult thing to pull off. And, it is going to continue to be difficult. But, the potential benefit, IS WORTH the risk, and worth the effort.<P><BR>Because, the truth is Jo, if this doesn't make him realize all that he had, and all that he is losing...I'm not sure anything would have. No one, can know for sure what the "right" thing to do is, all any of us can do, is what we think is best, given the circumstances we find ourselves in.<P>You are trying something, if it doesn't yield the results you hope, then you will adjust your plan...there's no rule that says you can't change your strategy down the road. But, give this some time to have an effect. You want him to really FEEL your absence from his life.<P>I really do think he is already missing you alot. I think he needs the time to DECIDE what it is he REALLY wants. You don't want him back anyway, unless he wants to be with you and in a committed marriage. You are providing him with the opportunity to discover what he wants. I'm betting it's going to be you!<P>Stay strong!<P>~skye<p>[This message has been edited by skye (edited November 17, 1999).]

Thanks so much Skye,<P>I'm going to print it and read it every night before I go to bed. Hopefully I'll keep the strength. I do agree that this is my last chance to show him that I really do love him and want our wonderful marriage back, but NOT while someone else is on the scene.<P>Your words of wisdom were exactly what I needed to hear.<P>Take care of you, and I'm hoping your situation is ok.<P>Jo

Jo, <P>I am glad that my thoughts on your situation helped you. You are alot stronger than you realize. You took charge of this situation immediately. That I think, is the secret to success. You need to take an early and definitive stand. <P>Follow your instincts...they seem to be very sound!<P>~skye