My name is Ella and I am currently involved in a Green Card Marriage. My partner and I have been involved for the past three years and we've been married for a year.<BR>During the course of our marriage, I've been unfaithful because I wasn't receiving the emotional and sexual support that I needed. My infidelity lasted one night with an <BR>ex-flame and I wasn't very discreet about it. My husband inevitably discovered that I cheated on him in the weeks immediately following our marriage. Other factors that <BR>whould be taken into consideration are that at this time, I was being incredibly selfish in that he suffered the loss of two family members in another country and he couldn't<BR>go home to see them due to his alien status. Another factor that drove me to this infidelity was the fact that he had always been secure and repeatedly accused me of cheating <BR>on him...I finally did it. I am not trying to justify my actions, I am merely trying to explain everything to you. Anyhow, I stopped cheating, I felt worthless for doing it<BR>but at the same time, I thought that he deserved the pain I was putting him through. Now the tables have turned. For my one night of infidelity, he started a whole rash of <BR>painful acts directed towards me. It's been going on since January and I am not sure if his relationship with this other woman still exists. I am privy to the fact that<BR>he has told various people that he's with me because he needs the green card, because if he leaves me, I will have him deported. He's procured a prescription for Viagra <BR>which I know he's used. (He cannot keep his stories straight for the life of him!) I've found used condoms in his car which he denies having used.. he claims that there were<BR>two sluts that weren't very particular who engaged in sexual activity with his two buddies that were out with his that night. And to top it all off, he's carried on an affair<BR>with someone in another country to whom he has professed his love and willingness to create a future with. He claimed that this other woman knew all about me and the relationship<BR>I had with him but when I confronted her a few weeks ago, she confessed that she had been lying to me for a while as well.. You see I called her once before to see who she<BR>was and she denied her relationship with him. The second time I called, she confessed that he'd directed her to say that there was nothing going on because he was afraid of losing<BR>his green card if I found out about their relationship. What I found out the second time was also that<BR>they had been in this relationship since January.. with her writing him love letters and he calling her. He returned to his home country to see her in May and they saw each other<BR>for the whole duration of his stay there. He tells me that he's lost interest in her and the only reason why he did what he did was because of what I did to him when he needed me<BR>the most. I am not sure now whether or not he is committing to our relationship because he loves me or because he merely needs the green card as he's conveyed to so many people.<BR>The other woman I am not sure about...she was obviously lied to by my husband as well because when he began his relationship with her, he lied to her and told her that things between he and <BR>I have long since ended and that he didn't love me, he loved her and missed her and couldn't wait to see her again. Another thing to know is that before things were ended with<BR>her, (I believe my phone conversation with her was the catalyst) he had planned on returning to see her again. What am I to do?????? I've stated that I am refusing sex until I know that he loves me for sure after he'd been refusing me for months...before the last time, we'd had sex once in three months. I love him to death but he's been very very violent with me.. I have bruised and cuts from him on various parts of my face, back, arms and legs. I'm intelligent, I've studied cases such as mine but am baffled as to why I cannot break from it. I'm distraught as this is all still very fresh and the pain is so very real. He's still flirting like crazy with other women who fit the description of the one he'd cheated on me with all these months and retorted to me when confronted that his actions were only a reflection of my own. Please help! I would so appreciate an answer!<P>Yours, <BR>Ella

Ella--<P>In my humble opinion....<P>Run, don't walk, to the nearest exit...and straight to a police station. NOW. Get the h*ll outta there.

Agreed. Love is not being a punching bag! How can he respect you if you aren't respecting yourself and allowing this to happen to you. You do not deserve to be physically hurt. You are worthy of being loved. don't let this keep happening please.

I also agree. Your safety is first priority. After you are safe and can examine the total situation then make a decission. First get yourself to <B>SAFETY</B> Report this to the police too. Both Lucks and Sue B are right on in this. <P>Run don't walk now!<P>------------------<BR>God bless you and all of us.<P>Samantha<BR>

Ella:<P>I'm all for saving marriages, but your health and safety is of PARAMOUNT importance. Your marriage has bigger problems than just the infidelities. Before you can even <I>think</I> of getting back on track, you have to ensure that he doesn't hit you anymore.<P>How do you do that? Well, it takes tough love. H is breaking the law by abusing you. He's committing a crime. If you don't have him arrested for it, at least remove yourself from the situation so that he can't commit that crime on you anymore.<P>I'm sure you don't want to hear "leave him," but at the present, you have NO hope of repairing your marriage until you end the abuse. Unless you want to be a punching bag for the rest of your life, get out NOW until he can get his act together. If he doesn't get his act together, at least you're still alive.<P>------------------<BR>/// Lone Star * ///<P>

You sound like you are being used as well as abused. Get out of this relationship. You have nothing to lose in this. He's obviously contributing nothing and has everything to gain.

This is Ella's husband... I thought she may have posted something on the board. Truth is I still love Ella, but she drove me to do what I did to her and what I did with the other woman. The sex was fantastic and if I hadn't been outed by her I would have spent another sex-filled month with Bern...The international flights are expensive but damn they're worth it. Besides, what man wouldn't want a voluptous blonde? Ella was just too meddlesome and found all the love letters and I think she's psycho! She's accessed and hacked into all my internet, bank and phone accounts. She deserves this treatment for being so goddamn nosy. About the cuts and bruises part, she only got them because she was stupid enough to hang on to me..I dragged her (not on purpose) off the bed because I wanted to leave and it's not as if she hasn't hit me, she gave me a black eye when I accidentally knocked her down...besides, I thought she liked it rough. When she met me, she told me that she liked poor men. That's me. She also told me that it was even better if they were blue-collar workers, crude and unsofisticated. Come on, she was asking for it! She had it coming. It's not my fault she's in love with me as much as she is. She ruined everything when she cheated on me with her trust fund baby ex when I needed her the most. My dog died, my grandmother died, and I lost my job and she goes and CHEATS on ME!!! So she's the liar..she doesn't like poor men and she doesn't love me for who I am. I have a very poor working class background and it's hard to be thrown into as she says "elite" society. Everyone around her looks at me as if I'm dirt just because I've worked on their houses and been on their payroll before. They all know that I've had no schooling either and that make mingling with her friends even harder. They make fun of my accent behind my back and they talk about how terrible I am to her too. Then Ella started on me too. She became a nag about me going to school to make something of myself. I already have a trade and I like doing manual work. She started nagging me about the drinking and the partying and wanting to be wherever I was. At least Bern wasn't like that. She understands that men from where i come from needto go "out with the boys" for a few drinks. So what's the big deal? Besides, she comes from my stock of people and her friends would never treat me like that..You aren't accepted because of what you do, your accepted because of who you ARE. Bern is sweet. True she is receiving welfare from the government but she has a 12 year old son and no husband. Its really togh for her. She's 28 yrs old, unmarried and couldn't go to school because she sacrificed everything for her son. It is togh to be that old and unmarried in my country. Your considered old at 20 and 21, for Bern she's practiclly middle-aged there. Ella will never understant what a hard life is. She's been spoiled her whole life and her parents have already planned the lives of her unborn children. I don't see her sacrificing anything for anyone except for herself. And I am not using her for the green card.. I already told her long time ago that I would still be around green card or no green card. I love her. I do even if I am HER punching bag.

SORRY !!!!!!<P>Just feeling too ill to reply to this!!!!!

ONE TWO THHRRRREEEE STRIKES YOU'RE OUT LOSER!!! Gone Gone Gone! He's outta here. <BR>What a pathetic (can't even call him a man) <BR>Adding insult to injury.arghhhhhh!!!!!!! Now tell me he really loves me! My god, how could I suffer through any more of this? <BR>1) I'm not spoilt<BR>2) My friends all liked him<BR>3) His guilt drives him to the finger-pointing<BR>4) Filing for Divorce TOMORROW.

Dear Ella,<P>Does he come from a country where violence is acceptable ? Does he realise that it is NOT acceptable in our western society. It does happen sure, but it is not acceptable.<BR>I'm afraid I agree with the others - where violence is concerned GET OUT NOW.<P>lOVE DOES NOT NEED OR USE VIOLENCE - at any time. <P>I feel for you my friend, to be going through infidelity, and this, must be so hard. The cycle of abuse is very hard to break. Are you familiar with it, perhaps from your own upbringing? Whatever, YOU need to break the cycle now. And you need to do that by getting away from him. Turn him in to the authorities if need be - he's making plans anyway to go back to "Bern' isn't he? Let him go. I've just re-read the sequel to "Not without My Daughter" - and the trauma and heartache that marriages of different cultures have to endure is heartbreaking. (Not for a minute lumping them all in the one basket) Your story sounds so similar to many that were mentioned in that book. All the women loved the men on some emotional level, many even went back to foreign cultures to live with these men (primarily because the men kidnapped the children, however the women kept telling themselves that they could make 'it' work) Even today, I wonder about those women and what their lives are like. You have the chance to do something now, while you're living in your own country.<BR>DON'T LET HIM DO THIS TO YOU. BE STRONG. BE BRAVE. TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR OWN LIFE.<P>I'll be thinking and wondering about you.<BR>Please take care<BR>Jo

Dear Jo,<BR>He's Western European and he does realize fully that violence is unacceptable. His mother was a victim of abuse (spousal) as was he (childhood). I have never been abused as a child and I am finding his agresssions detrimental to my mental state. I hold a secondary degree in abnormal psychology and seeing all the symptoms of abuse expressed by me is frightening. It sickens me and I can only think of what I could have NOT done to prevent this whole ordeal. Thank you for caring so much, it makes so much easier to cope with. <BR>About Bern, I called her last night. She's had no contact with him, no phone calls, no letters, nothing. She hates and resents him for being so deceitful. It baffles me as to why he never told her the whole story even after all those months... I'm obsessing over this...Was is possible that he really loved her? Or was it just sex? My reflection on my obsession with this --> dealing with the rejection and not understanding how H can go from a well-educated, intelligent, and beautiful M.D. to falling in love with someone who is semi-illiterate, unemployed and on welfare, years older than both he and I, had a child at 16, is unaware who the child's father is..I'm venting! It's really not her fault..but when I compare myself and the OW, I am shocked by the drastic differences, and there's just is no comparison in any aspect of our lives. <BR>In regards to now soon to be Ex-H I filed for divorce yesterday. No, I don't think he was planning on going back to her. It was just his trump card is how I see it. I figured I loved him but not more than I valued my own person..It's really wasn't worth it seeing that I cheated on him not three weeks after our wedding. I suppose my subconscious mind was warning me. Perhaps not.. Who will ever know? <BR>For all those have responded to my post. I thank you dearly. Your words of support have helped me very much in my time of pain.<P>Yours,<BR>Ella<P><BR>