my gosh, H came home, saw that i knew he called me from mendocino, and STILL told me he wasn't there! (what, his phone went alone?).<BR>sometime during a long, somewhat physically abusive altercation, he said, "nothing happened". is that an admission?<BR>he called me this morning to say that he has done so much to save our marriage and to be nice to me, but i told him this is really a huge breach of trust, and asked him to please find somewhere else to stay. he said he would come home, and i told him i would avoid him, then.<BR>i guess i need to set some boundaries regarding the abuse (like, get him into counseling), and i really need some sort of plan B, but i am totally dependent on him right now, financially, so i'll have to be creative.<BR>why wouldn't he just answer my questions honestly all along? can't he see that the pain of finding out this way is so much worse?<BR>arrrrggggghhhhh!<P>------------------<BR> <A HREF="http://www.alladvantage.com<BR>ID#" TARGET=_blank>www.alladvantage.com<BR>ID#</A> atp-113<P>

Of course nothing happened. He wasn't there!<BR>Sounds like he's trying to fess up in his own little way "without hurting you." Don't know about you, but I would rather know than be lied to.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html</A>

LWB - I'm truly sorry to hear about your H's lapse. For a while it sounded like things were on the mend. I'm even more worried about the physical abuse. How bad was it? I think you need to draw the line on that even before you draw the line on his cheating and lying. If he left you with any bruises, you might want to do more than just think about counseling for him, like maybe calling the cops next time?<P>Lately, I've also been doing a kind of "misery loves company" take on peoples' stories, comparing them with my own. Re the physical abuse, my W has given me a few good shots with her fists over the years, and though I've yelled at her, I've never laid a hand on her in return. Really strongly don't believe in it on the man's part because men are, in general, much more capable of inflicinting serious damage. (Don't like it from women either - have gotten it from both my W's - but am a little more tolerant of this.) I've even scaled way back on the yelling and cut out name-calling altogether. As to jaws dropping at spouse's denials of betrayal, mine's been bouncing like a basketball ever since I confronted W with actually having SEEN her with OM, and she still denies it every time I mention it!<P>Anyway, don't let him get away with anything, but be careful and look out for yourself. Regards, blessings and best wishes,<P>--Wex

i think you're right, chris. H has this big thing about being my "protector", and he would never want to hurt me with the truth, no matter how much i beg him for it. some protector, huh?<BR>wex--yes, truly, your wife IS the queen of denial---we should call her cleopatra?<BR>H is too smart to leave bruises, but i could tell he came real close to losing it last night. he claims to have been a navy SEAL, but i can find no proof of that. at the least, he did a lot of navy police work, and has had a LOT of training in things physical, and he gets me in a headlock and reminds me how fast he could kill me. charming, huh? anyway, if i ever needed to use this information, it's my word against his, i think..i hope.<P>------------------<BR> <A HREF="http://www.alladvantage.com<BR>ID#" TARGET=_blank>www.alladvantage.com<BR>ID#</A> atp-113<P>

Real charming...... HUH? <P><BR>UGGGHHHH!!!<P>LWB - I found this site yesterday. Check it out. I don't know if it will do any good, but what the heck. <P>I want to ring your husband's neck!!! <BR> <A HREF="http://www.anger-stress-marriage.com/discus/index.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.anger-stress-marriage.com/discus/index.html</A> <P>

thanks tnt, looks like it might be useful.<BR>H told me he is just so angry about my perceived affair with his "friend", that that is why he pinned me down last night, and that the more i deny it, the more he thinks it happened. <BR>argh.<BR>i don't know what to do<P><BR>ps, check out the link below, i make a lot of money there <BR><P>------------------<BR> <A HREF="http://www.alladvantage.com<BR>ID#" TARGET=_blank>www.alladvantage.com<BR>ID#</A> atp-113<P>

LWB- The thought probably wouldn't have come to him unless he had some thoughts himself??? Maybe, either way, stay safe! God Bless!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<P>

What would a betrayer possibly have to gain by being honest? You are still trying to get him back into the relationship. He doesn't need to be honest to win you back and he knows it. Time to draw a boundary, I would say. If honesty is non-negotiable, make it a condition. If it is negotiable, you will probably have to drop it.<P>Here's my question: Which scenario do you want, insist on total honesty with the acknowledge risk he may leave you rather than tell you, or work on the relationship with the risk he may never tell you? I don't think at this point there are many other scenarios. Maybe one day, but not today.<P>Wow, was that blunt. My apologies.<BR>

I agree with nonplussed. But if you take MB principles to heart, then there is not much foundation to re-build on without complete honesty.<P>As for the abuse, that is not negotiable, not acceptable, not anything. First, protect yourself, then work out the other points.<P>Keep safe, you're in my prayers,<P>------------------<BR><B> <I> Black Heart </B> </I>

that's ok, be blunt. there is very little to build on right now. <BR>we just sat down and started negotiation on child custody and support and whether we need a lawyer or not, and that seemed to open the door to some real conversation, so maybe we are headed somewhere?<BR>oh, of course, the abuse, he says, is that he is trying to protect me from myself, b/c i have threatened suicide sooooo often (once, drunk, major post partum depression with my first child). still, that is where the first line needs to be drawn. <BR>it's gonna take an act of god for him to get me to believe he was not in mendocino, so he is just going to have to fess up or there is nowhere else to go.<BR>he's on his way home...i'll update y'all later.<BR>ps---i am sooooo confused about all this! i just want it to end, yunno? with or without him, just so long as the pain goes away (no, heavens, i am not threatening suicide by saying that!!!)<P>------------------<BR> <A HREF="http://www.alladvantage.com<BR>ID#" TARGET=_blank>www.alladvantage.com<BR>ID#</A> atp-113<P>

Dear LWB,<P>So -- let me see if I get this straight. If he fesses up to the truth, he's out.... If he justifies the lie, he's out... If he saw OW, he is out... No room for his slip-ups... But, if he can prove he didn't see OW, he's not out... Regardless of the abuse...<P>Okay, rethinking a little. I think this situation is resolvable. The abuse is wrong. The infidelity is wrong. The lies and continued lies are wrong.<P>BUT - there is still some hope. <P>FIRST- make sure you, your son, and your little baby are safe. You don't have to have bruises to file a restraining order and get him out of the house. If the conflict is so unmanageable, you are not stuck - you have options.<P>But, if it is a matter of getting out of control because of lovebusting - then you know you can control that. <P>I think negotiating at this point with him is premature. <P>He is emotionally abusive. You are not emotionally safe with him at this point. He CAN change. If he WOULD change, would you still want him? <P>I know you would. I know you love this guy like crazy, you just feel like you only have one option to relieve yourself from all this pain. But, you don't. Don't make a permanent decision - but give yourselves a break. A clearer mind will you have after you have a break from all this garbage. <P>Let us know how you are doing, okay? Don't let yourself get hurt. <P>Shut thy mouth - and get thyself safe, okay? I care about you, just as you care about me.<P>TNT

If your husband is "reminding" you he could kill you, he just may do it. Just the statement he made to you is enough to have him arrested. Domestic abuse is a CRIME, period. Believe me when I tell you that if he's been physically abusive to you now and gotten away with it, he will just keep doing it. I have been living that scenario for 17 years. My husband was arrested for abusing me, and is facing trial. He may end up in prison. I refuse to drop charges (couldn't even if I wanted to - the state is prosecuting him). His arrest has most likely saved my life, as well as his. Please protect yourself.

thanks tnt, you always make things seem so much clearer.<BR>at this point, i just want a straight answer from him, i don't care what it is (i know you can relate to that!).<BR>im not rushing anything.<BR>AW-thanks for the input. i will absolutely make sure im safe, and ive told him so.<P>id say more, but baby's squeaking. <BR><P>------------------<BR> <A HREF="http://www.alladvantage.com<BR>ID#" TARGET=_blank>www.alladvantage.com<BR>ID#</A> atp-113<P>