I have been married just two months short of seven years and my husband recently had a one night stand with someone he didn't know. It was the first time that I had been away, I had to take a trip for two weeks. I had been home for three weeks and one night he broke down and told me what had happened while I was gone. Before this he wasn't sleeping and was being awful to be around. I now know it was the quilt. But I have been devastated and don't understand Why this happened. He<BR>says he doesn't know either. He stopped off from work one night to have a beer before going home. He rarely if ever drinks by the way. Anyway, he had a couple of beers and then this woman came on to him and began buy more. He got drunk and they left in her car and one thing led to another and now he feels<BR>so quilty for what he has done to me and our marriage. He has cried and is sooo sorry and<BR>that his eyes have been opened. He says he loves me and wants our marriage to be better than it has ever been. I am so confused as to why this happened. Was it just one of those<BR>guy things? If so, how can I ever trust that it won't happen again? I trusted him 100%<BR>before this. We have talked every day since he told me. But I feel so crushed inside. I need advise on how to get through this and if<BR>there is any man out there who could possible<BR>explain this situation to me I would appreciate it very much, because I'm trying to understand why he did this. Please help.

I was hoping someone else would lead off the replies to this, but here goes...<P>I somewhat did the same thing two years ago, it's not why I'm here now, but I'm sure it didn't help. I had a "one nighter" and din't tell my W for a year. When she found out she was hurt like anyone would expect. Difference being is that I didn't do the things I needed to do to help her past the hurting. I did nothing. I felt guilty and bad but I didn't do anything to alleviate her pain.<P>Your H sounds like a good man. He made a mistake in his life and he knows it. If he is trying to fix the situation with you, please don't shut him out. Tell him your feelings, show him your hurt. It sounds like his is fairly obvious. There is no garauntee that another affair will not happen, but if you read some of the things on this site you will find out how to make it virtually impossible for an affair to occur.<P>To help you now, all i can say is I understand. I'm walkind your road and I've walked your H's road. Neither is pleasant and if I / we ever get off this road I pray to never get back on it.<P>Communication will be your best tool right now. Talk to you're blue in the face. Do not let things sit idle and build. If he is willing to listen, talk. This situation sounds like it can be healed. I've never seen a time when a prayer to God hurt.<P>Good Luck<P>------------------<BR>1Co:2:4: And my speech and my preaching was not with enticing words of man's wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power:<BR>1Co:2:5: That your faith should not stand in the wisdom of men, but in the power of God.

Thank you so much for your response. It made<BR>me cry, because I love my H so much and I want to have trust again, but I'm afraid. <BR>We have been talking ever since he told me<BR>and it can't hurt only help. I want to get<BR>past this so much. I have done everything I<BR>could think of to have a wonderful marriage<BR>but I never could get him interested in it.<BR>Now, he wants to work on everything, him,<BR>our marriage and showing me how much he loves me. It has only been a week and I'm sure it<BR>will take much time before I can feel secure<BR>in his arms. Thank you again. I need support.

I'm a staunch advocate of counseling, and it sounds like your H may be open TO some counseling for awhile.<P>If so, shop around and find a counselor with whom you both feel comfortable. It may only take a few sessions to get back on track, learning how to effectively communicate and dealing with the pain caused by infidelity. It sure can't hurt! And it may even alleviate some potential arguments down the road.<P>Best wishes.

Devastated2: Well you kind of said it without me having to. Time, it will take time. To hear you speak one would think that you and your H are very much in love. Love can be such a wonderful thing. The warmth and security that love can bring can not be described.<P>When one steps outside that love, the pain and suffering it causes can not be described either. Your H has regretted his mistake from day one. You can choose to punish him with hurtful 'why did you do this' type statements or 'I can never trust you' OR you can use this as a stepping stone, a spring board into another life. I prefer the later. <P>Take your time, do not get frustrated because you can not forgive overnight. But take heart that you can and will get past this. And just remember that your H loves you and you love him. We can never approve of what he did only of what he's doing. And Lord willing we'll say the same of you.<P>God Bless<P>------------------<BR>1Co:2:4: And my speech and my preaching was not with enticing words of man's wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power:<BR>1Co:2:5: That your faith should not stand in the wisdom of men, but in the power of God.

Thank you for your imput. I NEED support <BR>right now. There is something esle I did not mention before. I had to see my OBGYN today<BR>for tests. H had unprotected sex and was<BR>infected with STD. He was treated and is fine now. However, before he told me of what he did we had been together two weeks before.<BR>This is another issue I am dealing with along with the image of him with another woman. Sometimes I feel I am losing my mind. I won't know results until next week. Tonight I bought a book called," Surviving Betrayal",<BR>by Alice May. It has 365 daily meditations on how to cope and recover from this situation. I am doing the best I know how and praying alot. Pretending everything is<BR>fine in front of family is difficult but it is a must. I know I must forgive my H but time I Pray will erase the images in my mind<BR>I struggle with every time he trys to touch me. He know there can be no physical contact<BR>and even if there could be emotionally I cannot get past seeing him (in my mind) touching her. It is too soon I know, but am I <BR>crazy? I plan to work on me right now. And that is why I'm here. I am thankful for any feedback because I really need and want to work through this. Life is too short.<BR>Thanks again, Paul

I can truly relate to your situation, my H just informed me of an affair 2 days ago. We have been married for only 2 years. I thought we were so happy and I do not understand it at all. However, through your replies and scriptures, I have found some comfort. I am glad to know that I am not alone in this.

Boldware & Devastated2:<P>Look around you here. EVERYONE here has either betrayed or been betrayed (or both). We all know how you're feeling because WE went through it too.<P>In a way, you're dealing with the LEAST difficult kind of affair. There was no emotional attachment. No love. No bonding between your H's and their OW's (Boldware, I'm assuming your H's was a one-nighter like Devastated2's H's).<P>Believe me, I know it's not any easier to deal with the pain and the hurt and the feelings of betrayal. My W's affair lasted only 3 weeks. She tells me she never "loved" the OM, but she did have an emotional attachment to him.<P>You both have only to deal with the betrayal, not the other emotional baggage that comes with love and emotional attachment.<P>I know that doesn't mean much, and it doesn't take away the pain. But, believe me, ya'll have a MUCH better chance of recovery than some others. You have remorseful H's.<P>NOW is the time to take advantage of that. Get them and yourselves into couples counseling. Try to find out WHY this happened, and what you can do to prevent it in the future. Learn the deeper things in your marriage that made them want to stray.<P>Just keep one thing in mind: These affairs are NOT your fault. Your H's CHOSE to do this. You didn't MAKE them do it.<P>In time, it will get better. Eight months ago, I didn't think I'd EVER stop feeling so hurt. Today, W and I are so much better. We still have bad days when one of us is down about it, but it's SO much less frequent. And, we know how to talk about our feelings now. You'll get there too. You just have to be patient and understanding, and allow yourselves time to grieve the loss of your marriages as you knew them to be. Things will never be back to the way they were, but they CAN be even better. You just have to work at it.<P>Good luck, y'all.<P>------------------<BR>/// Lone Star * ///<P>

My H says he wants us to talk and work this out on our own right now and if we are not<BR>making progress then we could seek out counceling. True, there was no emotional attachment on his part. He drank too much and allowed himself to experience something<BR>he shouldn't have. It was stimulating to him<BR>(I think) because it was taboo. Same with the<BR>porn. I have always shown him my interests in <BR>being sexual and never held anything back. I'm not a prude. But for some reason he holds<BR>back from me and as a result this happened.<BR>He says he will be more open with me now. But<BR>when I think for Seven Years I tried everything I could think of to get through to <BR>him and now because of his mistake he all of<BR>a sudden is a changed man. I feel very insecure sexually right now. Wondering what is he thinking about me, does he really desire me or is he really wanting me? This is so difficult to say the least. I want intimacy and to be close to him yet at the same time I feel the betrayal, anger, sorrow<BR>all of it. I think he is contributing the<BR>incident due to the fact he drank too much.<BR>But that can't be the only reason it happened. Can it? I feel there is something<BR>deep down in him that he has not taken time to explore and explain to me why this happened. And I want to understand it so we<BR>can move on and not have this happen again.<BR>Is it wrong for me to want to understand why<BR>it happened? He just wants to move on of course. And I feel if he doesn't examine his<BR>actions in this he will do it again. Even though he says Now he will never put himself<BR>in this position again. This being the case<BR>it means he cannot be trusted when of if he<BR>drinks and I am not around. Does that sound<BR>logical to anyone? Or am I way off here. There is so much I guess I don't know and so much I want to understand. If anyone has any<BR>input on this I would appreciate it.<BR>Thank You.

boldware, I am sorry for your pain. Believe me I understand what you are going through.<BR>I pray everyday, throughout the day seeking<BR>comfort. Reading what others have posted<BR>regarding scripture is very helpful. If your <BR>H is wanting to make your marriage better and<BR>wanting to work at this with you(Provided you<BR>also want the same thing) find strength in your faith. That is what I am trying to do.<BR>It doesn't make all those horrible feelings go away right now. I try to keep myself busy<BR>so I don't dwell too much on this whole thing. It isn't easy of course, but if I don't try I will go crazy. Try to be strong,<BR>its hard I know,but with the support of others we can make it. You are not alone.<BR>I'll pray for you, God Bless<BR>