Last night my wife told me that I should be happy, the OM told her it was over. <P>She obviously does not want it to be over. She pretty much said as much. If you haven't seen my previous posts - a quick recap.<P>The OM's fiancee has returned. I spoke to her Monday. We talked a long time, and she insisted that he begged her to come back, telling her he loves her, he made a horrible mistake, etc.<P>He has told my W that he is having her back because she is threatening him with not being allowed to see his child. He had been visiting his child on weekends, in Chicago. (We are in Michigan.) <P>My W insists the OM's fiancee is a liar and crazy. "I don't know her" she tells me. What does she have to gain in lying to me? We have both been horribly hurt. She left before she knew. She told me she was rebuilding her life, but still loved him. I understand this. She also told me he was insisting that he was being completely honest with her - and told me how he told her I caught him in my bed - and I did not even mention it to her.<P>I know he is lying to my W, and she won't see it.<P>Monday night my W asked that we all live under the same roof, and both of us be there for the kids. She also said she was lonely and missed me. She then said "If we can't do this, there's no point in trying to save the marriage." She insisted on some ground rules, which I agreed to because they made sense and would have been what I would have wanted. I told her I'd try for two weeks.<P>Last night, she was visibly upset, and I had offered to listen and not make any judgements. I thought that he told her it was definitely over, but that he had been a man, gotten some guts and told her the truth. No, he told her he loves her more than he's ever loved anyone, that he can't be with her because he wants a good relationship with his son (who is under two) and that he would "run over" anyone's feelings - his and hers - for his son. My wife mumbled a comment saying "It's stupid! He's so wrong." and something about that it could work.<P>She decided she didn't want to tell me about it anymore (which I was glad for) because I was feeling very, very hurt and very, very mad. I was sitting there, loving her so much, wanting to make the hurt go away, and at the same time wanting to scream at her "HE'S USING YOU! HE'S LYING TO YOU, AND YOU CAN'T EVEN SEE IT! YOU WON'T SEE IT! WHY, WHY, WHY?<P>Instead, I sat there quietly and told her that I was sorry. That I wasn't happy about her pain.<P>I am still going to wait, and pray to the Lord to help her see and accept the truth. I pray often for guidance and patience, to give up control. It's so hard. Now, more than ever, I want to ask her to work on the marriage, except I know that this is the worst time and she would see me as a vulture. Actually, I don't want to, I refuse to ask any more. She will have to broach the topic of reconciliation.<P>I just felt so hurt and lonely, and very, very mad. Has anyone else had a situation like this? Right now, she just wants him. I am the leftovers, kept on the side "just in case." That feeling really, really stinks.<P>Joe

Oh gosh Joe... if this is truly over for her and the OM, that's a very good thing, but you'll now be moving into what's probably the most difficult part of recovery: WITHDRAWAL! Let me just warn you that it's gonna suck big time. From both sides.<P>What you did in supporting your wife last night, that was very good! It felt awful to you, but it was the right thing to do. The important thing is "no judgements". No love-busting at all. In your mind you were thinking what you wanted to yell into her brain, but you kept it to yourself. That's the best thing because she would <B>not</B> have heard you, believe me.<P>I honestly don't know how folks in your situation can handle what's about to come up for you and your wife. She's gonna be in extreme withdrawal, and you're gonna be left feeling that "second choice" feeling along with the miserable knowledge that the reason why she feels so terrible is because she loves the OM so much. My wife didn't do so well when I was going through what you wife is going through. All I can say is, you have to be extremely strong!<P>take care,<BR>--andy

I will not climb upon my soapbox and preach to you about being a doormat. I will not ask if you need help in wiping the footprints off your face and heart. Why? Because I pretty much did the same thing.<P>I will say this though, I stand behind what I said about the living situation. You're are the safety net in her fantasy and we all want to be one, but you need to change the kind of net you are. Be the caring, kind, emotional net if you can, but do not be the grocery buying, house providing, babysitter net that she wants. Give her what she needs, not what she wants.<P>The Lord can and will do what's right in your life, I don't know when, part of that is up to you. You've got to let Him. And don't tell me you are, because you aren't. I read your post and see too much of you in it and not enough of Him. But Joe, keep seeking, keep knocking, keep asking. You will get there.<P>------------------<BR>1Co:2:4: And my speech and my preaching was not with enticing words of man's wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power:<BR>1Co:2:5: That your faith should not stand in the wisdom of men, but in the power of God.

I fully agree with airheart. I've been almost in the spot where you are. You're doing great. Pray to God for the strength to get through withdrawal without too much residual anger and bitterness. They have no clue how their actions during this interval will affect your recovery and the recovery of your marriage. She may say that if she is no longer involved with him then you shouldn't expect more (and right now she may be unable to give you more). Be careful about trying to make her face the facts about om, she may get defensive. The insights of a 3rd person (counsellor preferably) may help. Good luck from a former second fiddle who still can't accept that H would've chosen OW if given a choice! A year later and OUCH!

Thanks all. I pray quite a bit about it, for the Lord to give me strength during this. I read about the withdrawal in Dr. Harley's book, and I am frankly very scared by it. I know that she will say things I don't want to hear. Knowing that she wants to be with him that much hurts very badly. <P>I won't tell her anything she doesn't want to hear - I try not to tell her anything I don't have to at all. I think about everything I say. I don't expect anything more from her since it is supposedly over - in fact, I think I will get even less right now. I hope that I don't get any of the blame.<P>Joe

joe,<P>I would suggest that you let your wife know (gently) that if it's okay with her that she not mention directly the fact that she misses the OM. You already know that, so it's only pouring salt on the wounds to be constantly directly reminded of it. Just hearing those words "I miss OM" would be pretty devastating to hear. But hearing something like "I'm feeling the withdrawal pretty bad today" isn't as bad... know what I mean?<P>--andy