Thanks for replying. I am searching now for a qualified counselor in our area. It's kind of ironic that that is what I am going to college. I have been called an on-line therapist and I do the same at work but when it comes to my own feelings, I push them to the side. I was really happy to find this board.<BR>As for dumping the OM, I have already talked to him today. Told him I just couldn't do it anymore. He of course made it hard by telling me he loved me but I know from past relationships that he wouldn't and isn't good for me anyway.<BR>As for working on the marriage-I just don't know. I'm so tired of trying. Tired of worrying about how this or that will make him feel. If I do this, what will he say. If I don't do this, what will he say. Hubby has never been physical in his attacks but more or less a subtle mental attack. I have started working outside the home again and so far he hasn't said anything but I keep waiting for the "this house is a mess" or "you haven't been to the grocery store yet??" and then always "If you don't like it, quit" (says that when I've had a bad day) <BR>I have begun reading the other boards and such. It relly makes me feel a bit better knowing that I'm not the only one who feels so messed up. Thank you for not judging me also. I think I do that enough for myself. :-)<BR>

Judging by your husband's responses- it may do you good to visit <A HREF="http://www.drirene.com." TARGET=_blank>www.drirene.com.</A> It talks about abuse. You seem to be in one. Also, maybe a library will have some good material for you to read.<BR>Hang on, its a bumpy road- but well worth it.

sitting,<P>I would say that your husband just does not know how to communicate to you. Have you read the emotional needs portion of this site? One of them is "domestic support", and many men have that pretty high on their list. It sounds like it's high on your husband's list.<P>Now I'm not saying that you should just bow under his demands and become some sort of house-keeping slave or something. But what I am saying is that you both need to discuss this together. I think that if you both know where the other one is coming from, then a mutual agreement or understanding can be made.<P>Obviously the whole work/home-maker thing is just ONE of your issues as a couple. But I think that by reading this site, and also having your husband read it and <B>understand</B> it and buy into it, will be your first step as a couple to have a better marriage.<P>--andy

Please be careful on how you interpert your H reactions and actions. My W and I are going to be divorced 12/9, however in the past 3 weeks we have discovered some great things by being honest with each other. I asked her a question during one of our recent 3 hour chats; "did you trust me in our marriage, not that I would cheat, but did you trust me?" Her response, "for the most part..." An answer I did not anticipate. "What do you mean?" I asked. She said "I never trusted that you wouldn't hurt me (emotionally)." "What do you mean?" I asked further. She told me that I always knew exactaly how to hurt her most. This blew me away! I thought about this and discovered that I felt the same way, but never realized it. She could do the same to me. I set this aside, and thought about how I did this to her. What I see are times that I did do it on purpose to punish her for hurting me or for self-protection to head off a potential hurt (or a perceived one). This silent dance or battle is what killed our love and marriage. Two people in their own worlds, decicing what the other meant by this or that. Our trust, as it ends up did not die with her affair, it died or stopped growing long before that. I do not know your H, but maybe our mistakes could guide you to look at it a little differently? I can only speak for myself, I am a good man, my W is a good woman. Neither of us deserved this but we did it anyway.<P>Many things you have said, I now have heard from my W. She said she was tired of "working" at it, but she never told me. I never knew how unhappy she had become, I knew she was and did my best to make her happy. When she didn't get "happy", I resented her for it. You see, I was frustrated and "working" too. How do YOU react when your efforts are not appreciated, I get pissed. Problem is, yes I was trying, but completely missing my target. That no ones fault especially... except BOTH of ours. Neither of us were capable of communicating what we REALLY needed. If you guys go to far, it is my belief, you may never. These walls grow very tall, very fast. Even when one party decides to dismantle theirs, the other still does not trust. Flying in the face of many here, I would hold off on telling your H about your affair, possiably never burdening him with your guilt. Instead, take what you learn here and grow. Take your H with a patient hand and help him to grow with you. If you want to know more of how I've gotten to this advice, search my posts. Learn from our mistakes. It's not too late. For whatever it is worth...<P>Eric32