I would like to know that if you could put the clock back would you have had the affair?<P>If not, what would you have done instead?<BR>If not, why would you not have had the affair?<P>If yes, Why was this the right thing for you to do?

My perspective:<P>NO, I would not have had an EA. Of course, I did not recognize that is what I had - i thought of it as an "infatuation" until I became the betrayed and learned more.<P>I could have stopped it sooner by COMMUNICATING better with my H. He and I were just missing the boat on where we were at the time - too many crises to deal with. Not enough HONEST sharing of feelings. Not enough SINCERE and RESPECTFUL listening.<P>Can't rewrite history, but EVERYONE can learn from their mistakes.<P>Roll Me Away

willbok,<P>I posted about this not too long ago. I said that if I went back in time and told myself how terrible everything came out, that I probably wouldn't listen to myself.<P>The "me" back then wouldn't have believed that the friendship I had with the OW would've turned into anything else. However, if the "me" of <B>now</B> were to go back and do it over, I'd definitely keep my distance so that I could just remain friends with the OW. The thing I miss most about the OW was our friendship, and if I would've been able to keep that intact without all the yucky feelings of "love", that would've been nice.<P>--andy

If I could turn back the clock, would I have had an affair? A resounding <B> NO! </B> to that one. And I would have definitely steered clear of any type of friendship scenario as well with him, because we were friends for quite a while before it turned into something else. Why would I have not had the affair - because in one singularly rotten decision that was made, my life was changed for the worse. Not only the trust of my husband and almost ruining my marriage, but not looking at life in the same way anymore. Feelings of guilt too overwhelming to put into words. I would love to turn back the clock.

It's not the mistakes we make by which we will be judged, it's what we do about them. Sorry, a little off topic.

If I could back the clock knowing everything I know today, I DEFINITELY would NOT of had an affair. I would of dealt with the problems in my marriage head on instead of escaping with the OM. <P>This has been the most hurtful and devasting thing in my life. I would of just stayed friends with the OM or maybe just stay clear away from the beginning not even establishing the friendship.

If I could turn back time, I would definitly not have allowed myself to become so close and emotionally involved with another person outside of my husband. As soon as the slightest hint of attraction was present, I should have stayed far away from the om...not only for my sake but for the sake of his family and mine. In fact I did try to do that several times but the attraction was so strong that I just didnt care about doing what was right (like being faithful, honest, and trustworthy). I told my husband we needed counseling before this emotional affair happened but he wouldn't listen until I had already gotten so entangled with someone else that I was ready to leave him. Fortunately for me we are both now willing to work on our marriage. However I do not seem to be able to get out of the withdrawal phase. My heart is still torn and I ache for the pain that this has caused the OM and his family. There is a very high price to pay for engaging in an affair of any kind. It does so much damage to your soul because you end up compromising your own character and value system for a relationship that is WRONG no matter how good it FEELS at the moment. It damages the other person you become involved with because you cause them to violate their integrity too.<BR>The problem is that at the time you are in the midst of an attraction to someone you become blinded and rationalize your behavior saying "we are just friends". You end up in their arms and by the time you realize that you have given your heart away its almost impossible to get it back. Its like being in hell because you become trapped by feelings. If you continue in the affair you are haunted by guilt. If you end the affair you are haunted by remorse and grieve the loss of what in many cases was a true friendship. I am not sure why you asked this question but if you are contemplating deepening a relationship with someone other than your spouse, please stop and turn in the other direction right now. Get as far away from this other person as possible not only for your sake, but theirs as well. <P> <P>

The reason i posted this question is that I believe that my soon to be x would not have embarked on his journey of self discovery if he had any inkling of the consequences to myself and our 4 children. On the other hand, once tasted, he would not give the idea of this "fun"up. It was what he needed and I could not compete. No responsibility towards family, travelling each weekend and eating out every night. ...and of course plentiful sex with a much younger OW with zero responsibilities except to cater exclusively to him....<P>Roll me away-thank you for responding. I hope that you are able to communicate and this works in your marriage building.<P>Airheart, Connor, nonplused, Hummingbird -thank you all for your candour and the time it took to answer my response.<P>I did tell my children that I believe that if H could turn back the clock I believe he might have taken some time to rethink his course of action.. and this is why I wanted to know from your perspective if i was incorrect in my assumption. Of course H states that the marriage was so rotten etc. etc. which it was not, but he has deep seated nuroses which he refused to delve into and this is one of the reasons for his abberrant behaviour in so many respects.<BR>Redeemed....As you can read above, no I am not going to do anything inappropriate, anyway i would not ever as i could then not live with myself and my children are much too much needy at this point for me to destroy the "faith" they have in me to provide some stability in their lives at this point, but thank you so much for responding and your advice.<BR>

Well well where to begin here,i can not seem to get past withdrawl here either...i love another man so much it is unbeleivable that i have so much love in me,i never felt this even at the start with hubby but we were young and i am hearing this happening to mostly couples who married early in life.I don't think i knew how to love to such an extent back when i was 17.The problem is i have a good hubby who does lots for me and my family would think me as nuts to leave,we have talked for over a year and for several months daily on the phone and met for a few days which was great.We talk about things back from our childhood days and we were both brought up in so many of the same ways,he is a funny guy and i laugh so much with him etc.etc.....anyways i also told hubby for the last at least 5 years or more that something was missing in our marriage but he too didn't take me seriously either until finding out about otherman,we are going away for weekend tomorrow to a marriage encounters weekend and we will see if that shows us anything.I also wanted to go to a marriage encounters weekend years ago as i love that kind of stuff but he didn't want to go......he is all of a sudden changed and so affectionate and loving but i feel my hearts not in it i am trying to get over this terrible guilt from what should not have happened,i have to live with this the rest of my life and not sure if our marriage can make it as i still feel i want to be with otherman but there must be something holding me back as i am still here...lifes so confusing but i feel if my marriage was going ok this would not have happened at all i never thought i would be in a situation such as this as i am not like this at all......i am having a terrible time and would love to talk to others in same boat.....i have icq and u can e-mail me at chatwithu35@hotmail.com Thanx a lot......;-)