i was stunned by how many people responded to my post. at first while i was reading your responses i kept thinking - "these people are just bitter. they have gotten burned one way or another and they have developed a great sense of mistrust to any situation." then lone star's post really made me think. is there something missing from my wife's and i's relationship? what does OW give me that she doesn't. answer - light and fun conversation that isn't burnded with worry about money, where we want to live, how much money we saved. simply - when i'm with OW i don't think about anything other than having fun. we laugh, we joke, we like the same music, we have similar senses of humor. we're a lot alike. but if we are so much alike how come we never got together intimately all those years ago. there must have been a reason? i thought all night and day about it. the reason we never got together is simply that it wouldn't work. while there are many similarities that we share, there are also many difference. OW has a real problem with commitment and showing affection. she's often cold to those she dates. i am an affection fiend. my wife is one of the most affectionate people i know. OW tends to be neurotic and so am i - a deadly combination by any account. my wife is confident and supportive. for a moment i stopped thinking about how great OW was and started thinking about all the reasons i fell in love with my wife. i realized that i to jeapordize my marriage over OW would be awful to all involved. on my lunch break i went out and bought my wife a jacket she has had her eye on for awhile. we really don't have the money, but i had a little extra stashed away so i used it. i brought it home and she loved it. i sat her down and told her about i had been feeling regarding OW. at first she was alarmed, but then things calmed down. i told her about how i just miss having fun with her. how we use to just go out and throw caution to the wind. how we would just go to a bar and sit for hours talking and laughing. somewhere along the line we got so worried about the future we forgot about living in the present. OW let me live in that moment because i have no obligation or commitment to her. my wife was so cool. she told me how much she respected me for telling her that and how much it means to her that i take our marriage so seriously. she told me she wasn't mad about other woman and realized it wasn't really about HER but rather about what was missing for me in OUR marriage. will i still be friends with OW - i'm afraid the answer is yes. but i am going to calm it down consideraly. meaning, no more hanging out alone. my wife will always be with us. also, i am going to cut down how much i talk to her and get involved in her personal life. while this will be hard, i realize that the alernative is far worse. as you can guess by my language my wife and i are pretty young. maybe even a bit emotionally inexperienced. i would just like to thank those for their advice. you helped me more than you'll know.

Congratulations! I am sooooo glad you listened to Lone Star! God Bless both of you!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<P>

I'm glad you listened, too, Aloof.<P>Personally, if I can spare YOU the feelings that my W feels now and at the same time spare your W the feelings that I'm feeling now, then I've made a difference.<P>I wish my W and I had had the good fortune of finding this place when we were where you and your W are now. I really think that if she had been honest with me about her feelings it would have "woken me up." I think, also, if I had been honest with her and courageous enought to stand up and FACE my fears, then we could have stopped the affair before it became physical.<P>Unfortunately, we weren't educated enough about this stuff to know what was happening. Frankly, I'm surprised sometimes that we've recovered as much as we have. Nevertheless, I know that if YOU and your W can spare yourselves THIS kind of pain, you'll be MUCH happier in the long run.<P>Thanks for putting a on my face. You've made my day by giving me some of the credit for YOUR good judgment.<P>------------------<BR>/// Lone Star * ///<P>

Wonderful!!!<P>Now run back to basic concepts and print out the emotional needs questionaire! <P>Wonderful news.<P>TNT

Sorry, aloof, I didn't get a chance to post to you. But you can read my profile to find out about my H's "friend".<P>I'm glad you "woke up" and had the insight to be able to analyze both relationships -- and to recognize that the problems in your marriage were easily repairable. That you had enough empathy for your W's feelings to come here gave you a major head start. My H doesn't have that empathy, and still doesn't understand -- although now that the marriage is better (thanks to all my hard work ) he seems to need her less.<P>Good luck to both of you!

Aloof,<BR>You may be young, but very wise! Your wife is a lucky woman to have you as her husband. Good luck. It will not be easy to tone down your freindship with "Sue" but I think you will make it. Your wife will definitely be watching (in a good way )

Hi, Aloof,<P>I missed the "first round" too, but wanted to chime in with something, as one of the old-timers here (like LoneStar )(read my profile for all the gory details! )<P>You hit the nail right on the head when you said the bit about forgetting to live in the present - my H (DuncanMac on the board) & I make it TOP PRIORITY now to spend lots of time together having fun - we "date" a lot (& yeah, sometimes just sit in a bar & talk & laugh!), we take overnights together as often as we can manage it - we just do all the things we did when we met that married couples seem to forget about at some point.<P>An affair is a real mess - the results & ramifications just go on & on, like ripples in a pond, long after the actual affair is over, even if the couple have stayed together. You may be young, but you *are* very wise - and you did the right thing talking to your W - and it sounds like she is a real peach too & has her head on straight. <P>This is a real opportunity for you two to build a stronger marriage. Most of us are here because we got complacent & lazy... take the time to make it top priority, no ifs, ands, or buts about it... because the payoff is wonderful. Good luck to you!<P>------------------<BR>~suse~<BR>Rome wasn't built in a day.<BR>