I am new here. In searching the various sites for help, this is one of the only ones that in detail, described the situation I and my wife find ourselves. We have been married for 8 years, and together for 18 years. She is 40, and I am 58. Eight months ago I caught her in a affair, she describes as emotional and not physical, though she does admit to falling in love. We cried, talked, cried, did'nt talk, and of course she grieved her loss, and I went into depression. We got counseling, as be both agreed we did not want to divorce. Through that initial help we discovered she had a father complex for me, and through many years had not enjoyed sex with me at all. She felt she was not attracted to me anymore, and that we were sexually incompatible. The heartache to this is we have a 6 year old boy that we both love and want to have grow up with his parents. We went to a sex therapist, and she concured that there was a parental transference going on, and also a huge amount of immaturity and lack of womanhood in my wife. She advised of a group therapy seminar that lasted a week and would be a fast track to have her grow up and be clear on her decision to stay or go. She completed this and felt is was successful in her growth. She continues to feel that sex between us is just not right. She avoids it, get nervous just talking about it, and becomes depressed after when we do attempt it. She and I both read and discussed the EN section of this site and found certain things lacking. She feels no admiration from me and lack of respect in addition to the father image situation, but after reading about the sexual aversion, identifies that is her feeling exactly. I must state that in her affair she did not feel this way....she was attracted, and did want to have sex with him, she was aroused. She maintains she still does not feel any of this for me, but loves me in all other ways, and wants to save the marriage. She wants that feeling she had in her affair to be with me. She does not want a divorce, and neither do I if we can regain the state of intimacy and sexual fulfillment in our marriage. Has anyone out there been successful with the treatment suggested for sexual aversion on this site? The relaxation techniques and state of mind? Should she try this by herself, or seek the help of a sex therapist familiar with this aversion? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Heartmeister -

I'm no sex therapist, but I am a woman. Have you ever asked your W what turns her on? Her answer might surprise you. Women are different from men (although I'm guessing you already know that).

Obviously I don't know your wife or how she actually feels, but I was just thinking that sometimes men could have so much better sex if they would treat their wives differently the rest of the day. Pay attention to us even when sex isn't in the program at that moment, make us feel sexy by complimenting us, things like that.

You wrote that she said she's not attracted to you anymore. Does she give you specific reasons why (such as wanting you to lose weight or something)? Is there anything you can do to change some things that might help?

I'll admit I haven't read about "sexual aversion," so sorry if this doesn't help much.

God bless,

Rose

i'm no sex therapist either. that understood what jumps out at me most is the father complex thing and your obvious 18 year difference. You are obviously the security to her. I don't know what your therapist meant by she's lacking in womanhood beyond being immature. Her level of maturity is obviously out of balance with yours because of the age differential and the fact that you are entering life phases she's not. What seems apparent to me is that fact that she suffers from some adult child issues which are compounded by your age differences. What this all does is make the two of you mis-matched developmentally. Under these conditions it's very hard to maintain mutual respect and mutual admiration. it's hard to not feel either superior or inferior. With that sort of thing underlying your relationship it's not suprising to me that mutually satisfying sex is illusive at best. Egos are hard for people who are equally matched to handle. How much more difficult must it be for people who are so mis-matched developmentally? And what developmental task specifically are undeveloped in her and in you? Who has done the concise inventory of whose developmentally more mature than who and in what ways? For all the therapies you describe yet I still get the sense that there is a vast lack of mutual understanding about what is underlying the stress in the relationship. Relaxation techniques and mind stuff is quite superfical (perhaps even insulting) to these other issues I would think.

take what helps and leave the rest.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Heartmeister:
<strong>She feels no admiration from me and lack of respect </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The sexual aversion techniques will do no good whatsoever until the above issues are addressed completely.

Dr. Harley is very clear if there is a sexual problem in a marriage, address all the other issues FIRST, and that trying to "fix" the sexual issue before resolving the other issues will almost certainly make things worse.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Has anyone out there been successful with the treatment suggested for sexual aversion on this site? The relaxation techniques and state of mind? Should she try this by herself, or seek the help of a sex therapist familiar with this aversion? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">First, let me answer the question you asked.

I have experienced problems with a low libido creating issues with sexual desire, arousal, and fulfillment. My issues developed in a completely different way (pain experienced during sex due to a physical ailment which was later corrected with surgery) than your wife’s so your mileage may vary.

I have used a process very similar to what is described on this site and found it to be very helpful in recovering my libido and creating an interest in sex. As a woman, I think the techniques described are very, very helpful in creating a calm, relaxing, soothing, and positive atmosphere for sexual activity.

So, yes, I think that the techniques described COULD be helpful to overcome a sexual aversion for your wife. I am not sure if she’d need to see a sex therapist in addition (I didn’t) and I would expect that should be up to her.

Next, I’d like to share a few other thoughts I have with you about this subject.

I am concerned that you are the one posting this information here. You’ve stated that you and your wife have visited this site and have discussed the issue. I believe you.

You’ve also stated that your wife seems to have a ‘father’ complex about you and sees you as more of an authority figure rather than a life partner. I am VERY concerned that you are asking the question, gathering the information, and then presumably suggesting whether or not she follow a specific course of action. I worry that your actions will continue to perpetuate the ‘father image’ that she all ready has. I think it would be much, much more effective if you would take a step back and allow her the freedom to research and determine what course of action seems most positive and most helpful to her and then you take the position of negotiating what is and is not OK with you.

I think that you are in a very delicate position of wanting to be supportive, encouraging, and loving WITHOUT conveying the idea that she is broken, needs to be fixed, or there is something wrong with her. I am concerned that no techniques, regardless of how sound they may be, will assist your wife if you do not address the unhealthy dynamic between you.

My suggestion to you would be to step back and allow her the freedom and the responsibility to research this issue herself. Practice patience. She says she feels a lack of admiration and respect from you. A wise first step is for you to learn to trust her when she says she’d like to build a healthy sexual life with you and to allow her to do that without needing to ‘lead’ her.

I hope this helps,

Mys

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Rose55:
<strong> Heartmeister -

I'm no sex therapist, but I am a woman. Have you ever asked your W what turns her on? Her answer might surprise you. Women are different from men (although I'm guessing you already know that).

Obviously I don't know your wife or how she actually feels, but I was just thinking that sometimes men could have so much better sex if they would treat their wives differently the rest of the day. Pay attention to us even when sex isn't in the program at that moment, make us feel sexy by complimenting us, things like that.

You wrote that she said she's not attracted to you anymore. Does she give you specific reasons why (such as wanting you to lose weight or something)? Is there anything you can do to change some things that might help?

I'll admit I haven't read about "sexual aversion," so sorry if this doesn't help much.

God bless,

Rose </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Hi Rose....thanks for your input. I hope we can get to the point of where I can ask her want she wants or enjoys. She has no desire now for anything...it all just makes her nervous to think, talk, or (shudder) TRY TO EVEN DO IT! She is not there yet. I am receptive to all your suggestions though.

Heartmeister

Mineownself.....thanks for the suggestions. I agree with you and we both plan to address those needs beforehand. We just thought we would ask about the techniques described. They will be addressed when other issues have been resolved........just makes sense.

Heartmeister

Myschae: Thank you very much for your reply, and some direct and specific answers to my questions. Your thoughts on the broader spectrum of my posting was extremely thought provoking.....and thoughtful. I agree. She should be leading the pack her...not I. And as of this posting that is what I intend to do. Great site......good info.......good people. I am outta here!

Heartrmeister