I have gone to plan B, or she made me last night(post: MAJOR MESS UP!!!!). I wrote her a letter today.( post:PLEASE HELP ME ONCE MORE!!!!!)Gave it to her this evening.<P>NOW. what now. My sons birthday is next week, Thanks giving, and Christmas. <P>Should I go to her familys if she still wants me to for thanks giving?<P>Should I still buy her a gift from me?<P>Do talk to her if she calls?<P>Do I got to her house if she asks?<P>What is ok and what is not?<P>We have kids(3yrs, and 4months)<P>Do I sing divorce paper as she has requested?<P>Any help is appreciated.<P><BR>------------------<BR>brownphdt<P><p>[This message has been edited by brownphd (edited November 17, 1999).]

From what I understand of Plan B (and I'm a complete failure at it currently), there is to be minimal to no contact between the spouses to minimize pain of withdrawal. Thus I would think that Christmas would be out, thus no need to give a card/gift. The birthday party is a little trickier. Have you considered separate parties (ie one with mommy's side of family and one with daddy's friends and family)? <P>I think of Plan B as "you've made your bed, now lie in it" for the betrayer spouse to give them a little taste of what it is like to live with you, as well as give you space to grow.

One thing is we have been seperated for 11mos. So I hope she will miss the past 2 or so of PlanA. The past couple of months we have been like a family again, except I didnt stay there.<P>------------------<BR>brownphdt<P>

Hi brownphdt,<P>I'm at day 2 of Plan B.<BR>My understanding of it is NO CONTACT - but as usual I have some "but what if's !!"<P>I have decided that there will be no ph calls betw. us but H will still call for d betw. the hours that he has set, so I don't pick up the ph then. There will be no emails from me - to date we've communicated that way and it has been lovely, chatty, flirty etc etc etc. There will be no mail from me. H will get any info about the girls from my sister who is willing to be the intermediary.<P>I sent him a loving letter (as posted by Chris123 I think it was) so hopefully he will realise that the last 'thing' he got from me was more love units. The letter let him know that I love him, want to try and repair our marriage, but not going to happen while affair is still going on.<P>I agree with post before about b'day party for your son. Maybe 2 would be best - son will think he's in heaven!!! And because you won't be together, there will be no friction for children to pick up on. Their needs have to come first. We don't have thanksgiving here, I gather it means a lot to you guys. Maybe treat it the same way as b'day - go to mummy's in the morning and stay with daddy for the rest of the day.<P>As for Christmas - my H lives 1000 kms away and will be here with us for the festivities. He will even be staying in my house (yay - I'm so excited, cant help it)<BR>He will join my family, who have only ever let him know that he has their love and support for this horrible time he/we are going thru. Pretty amazing family I have there.!! Maybe, again, you could have 2 Christmas celebrations. Over here in Australia, it is quite customary for a married couple to spend the morning with one family and the afternoon/evening with the inlaws. Makes for a big bloated stomach but what the h@#$, it's only once a year. !!<P>My feeling about Plan B is that I hope it works before Christmas !! Realistically, I realise that there is every chance that it wont, but I will get off the Plan B wagon for Christmas. I want the opportunity to deposit some more love units in his bank, and what better time than Christmas ??<P>I hope this helps - I feel that I have found a bit of peace in this whole situation since I started Plan B. Plan B gives us a bit of control back over our own lives, and puts the ball back in their court. It hurts, but then the whole situation hurts doesn;t it.<BR>I feel I have to give my H the space and time to decide what/who he wants, and this seems to be the best way to do that. I'm determined to carry it thru - but who knows.<BR>I'm like everyone else here, trying my best.<BR>Your questions are so valid, have you downloaded the Plan A/Plan B info from the front page of this website ? I did, and read them, and decided it was for me.<BR>Hope it is for you too.<P>Take care of you, and your babies, they need you.<P>Jo

When do you fall off the plan B wagon when she says lets work it out or when she starts calling and asking me over to visit them again?<P>She has a huge family, Mine is very small and spread out. H@!! I dont know whats going to happen. I'm affraid we have been apart to long for her to see we can work this out.<P>------------------<BR>brownphdt<P>

I forgot to answer the bit about presents.<BR>My H floored me when he last visited by saying he had been thinking about what to get ME!! What, some new diamond earrings perhaps !! I had no idea what to say. I wasn;t thinking about presents at all for him. Maybe now I'll get a tacky beer glass with the words _"Worlds Best Husband" on it...<P>Seriously tho', he collects beautiful fish. We ooops, he... has them from all over the world, some are large but some are tiny, we ooops, he even has one from Baccarat in France when we visited there. I was thinking I would add to his collection. It would be something that he loves, he would appreciate the thought behind it, and OW probably doesnt even know about them... More points to moi!!! Does your W collect anything ?<BR>I love fine china, if she does also maybe a wedgewood teacup/saucer or something. Something that means a lot to her, is personal but is not .... well, you know what I'm trying to say here. Think about what she has said over the last 2 years about what she likes, even if she doesnt have one at home at the moment. Maybe jewellery if you think appropriate - but nothing super dooper. Just something to acknowledge the occasion, a gold bracelet or new earrings. ??<BR>Hope that helps. <BR>(If I get a hammer from my H, (which I do desparately need) You will read about the mad w in Australia who killed her H on Christmas Day with gift!!!!)<P>Hope I've been some help<P>Jo

I personally would fall off the Plan B wagon (aside from Christmas) when H decides its me he wants, and when he decides he can commit to trying to work it out. I have decided I won't accept anything less that his full commitment. If he wanted to visit the girls, I guess I would want to see him - all dressed up and looking my best of course -I'm only human. But, I would try and definitely keep the time when we were together to an absolute minimum. Just enough to maybe deposit another love unit - but no more. I guess its easier for me to say this as he is so far away, and doesn't visit very often. To date, 2 visits in 12 weeks.<BR>I hope I can keep up my resolve.<P>Jo

Thanks for the replys.<P>Forgot to reply about the birthday. The plans have already been set.<P>Any way her mother does have a braclet she wanted fixed. I have thought about doing that and maybe alittle somthing else, but wouldn't that be back to Plan A? Plan A is were I want to be anyway, but I think I need to do this for me.<P>------------------<BR>brownphdt<P>

We've both had our major love busting episodes havent we ??<BR>What do you mean her mother has a gold bracelet that needs fixing?<BR>If the birthday plans have already been set - could you offer to bake/buy the birthday cake or something to show what a caring, loving considerate person you are. Help out with the jobs that need doing where childrens b'day parties are concerned, and there are heaps. Will you be there? Maybe take your best friend for moral support, that way, if things do get a bit 'het up' your friend can come betw. you and cool the tension. Is it THAT bad at the moment. Has she cooled down about the $$ thing? <P>Jo

Have to go cook, feed and bath children.<BR>Will be back in a couple of hours.<P>Jo

Bonnet since we have been talking again this is the first time we had a blow up. I remaind calm though jut tried to talk to her. <P><P>------------------<BR>brownphdt<P>

I'm glad you could remain calm. I tend to lose my cool when he is so distant and so cold. I'm just not used to that side of him I guess. I always got the loving, caring side.<P>Have you decided any more what avenue you are going to take?<P>Are you going down the Plan B road for sure?<BR>I really do have a sense of peace and wellbeing since I started (all of 3 days ago!!)<BR>I feel as tho I have taken some control back of my own life. I havent shut the door on him, but I have to move on. I've had enough of the emotional rollercoaster ride, I had to get off.<BR>Hope you have a good day today - its Friday 8.30 am here, what time/day is it there?<P>Jo

Its 5:40pm here In the big state of TEXAS. <P>I dont know what to do any more. I have been ok I guess. I havent called her or anything, BUT I WANTED TO!!! the braclet is brok and she asked her mom if she would drop it off for her to get fixed. I want to fix it for her.<P>I think I wiil do the cake thing, but I will have to call her for that.<P>------------------<BR>brownphdt<P>