Hi there,<P>I've just read Simone's post "Now I'm going to get some answers - but will they destroy me or us?"<P>Part of your response to her post suggested finding out what it was that drove him to seek OW.<P>I have asked this question of my H and he will not answer me. No answers have been forthcoming at all, in any way where emotional needs are concerned. I asked him again the other day, and he replied "I'm not avoiding the issue, I will answer you"<P>To date, there's still nothing. I am now in day 2 of Plan B - and feeling that I made the right decision. He is one very confused little puppy, and I feel that time and space will allow him to work himself out. Obviously I want that decision to be in my favour - but how do I deal with his lack of response - to any question that I ask. He's told me that he's met OW's parents (after being asked the question), he shares his house with OW's sister and sisters fiance, which he lied to me about but I found out from OW. (Yeah, I called her.)<BR>We cannot have a private conversation anywhere - he lives (shares) with OW sister, he works with OW, where do I fit into this mess.<BR>Is he just plain avoiding me, for all the reasons that I've read about on this site - guilt etc.<BR>I honestly feel our main problem was lack of time together - he works such long hours and I have the children. We neglected each other. H is also not a very good communicator at the best of times, let alone in this situation.<BR>Any words of wisdom for me.?<BR>It's late here - so I'm off to bed now. I'll check back in the morning.<P>Thanks for your time.<P>Jo

Bonnet -<P>I've got SOOOOO many problems in my recovery/rebuild process right now, I cannot believe you're asking me. I hope that I can help...<P>Some similarities between yours and my marriages...<P>It's important to know that my wife is also not answering questions. But, I guess I've learned to stop asking. It puts too much preasure on her (a threat) and risks pushing her back toward to OM. For know, I have to wait until SHE'S ready to talk. Patience -- easier said than done.<P>Even if she was talking, it's still important to do a self assessment. See if YOU can determine where things went wrong. Your acknowledgement of his long hours, communication problems, and lack of time together are a start. (Ironically, similar situations at my house)<P>Try to keep an open mind, and remember that there are two sides to each story -- yours and his. Doesn't mean that one's right and the other is wrong -- just two sides, two perspectives. It's important to see life from the "other side".<P>The thing that "did it" for me was looking through some old photo albums. Photos that traced the courtship phase of college, through the births of our kids. It was amazing to see how at the start, there was a twinkle in our eyes. We always sat or stood together, always in contact with one and other. At a certain period in our lives, that changed. The twinkle is gone, the body language suggests that we were no longer connected. Eventually, the photos of us together stopped altogether. Sue, there a recent photos. But those photos are of our kids, or one of us with our kids. No longer do you see photos of us together.<P>The period where the photos changed corresponded with a period that involved a number of major events. A birth, a home remodel, a major, life threatening accident, etc. All in about a one to two year period. <P>How we BOTH dealt with those events shaped where we are today. My W won't verbally acknowledge it, but I know it's true based on the reaction she gives me. I don't need to push her for answers. Doesn't mean that I don't want answers, even a simple acknoledgement. It's just not coming now. And, I don't know how long (if ever) until it does come.<P>I guess what I'm trying to suggest is that you cannot wait for the spouse to get with it. YOU have to do it, and do it alone. At the same time, if you provide the support fro your H, hopefully your spouse will come around.<P>I don't know what to suggest in your case with your H and his OW contacts. This WB site has convinced me that ALL CONTACT MUST BE CUT. Without it, your marriage doens't stand a chance. Since your H is so intertwined with the OW and her family, it seems like Plan B is the only way to go. Just a thought -- no first hand experience here.<P>If you're not in active counseling, get it. Get some solid support for yourself, even if it's just through this board. Check out Harley's books. I've just started one and it's amazing how true-to-life they are. Other posts have even suggested contacting Harley direct. Above all, don't forget that you're no alone in your battle. A few hundred (thousand?) others are here with you!<P>Chin up!<P>-- keystone

I'm sorry to dump on you like that Keystone - given that you're in the same boat.<BR>Thank you so much for responding to me - <BR>have a lovely day and my thoughts are with you<P>Jo

Don't worry. No "dumping" felt. Sometimes you've just got to vent. Other times, you've got to put out ideas that you already know and agree with, but need to get the reenforcement from others in similar situations. I know I do.<P>Just know that I, too, am in a constant battle on whether to ask or not ask, push or not push. I've been bitter about this very thing lately. It's hard to maintain patience. I know that I must.<P>It's like walking a tightrope, only I'm able to see the end so I can get off. We're all going through it. That's what makes this site so great.<P>Anyway, again... no "dumping" felt. <P>Best of luck in your rebuilding!<P>--keystone