I know a lot of you have been concerned about me lately, and that means a lot to me.<BR> I admit I am so depressed that I'm starting to worry about me too. Please guys don't get on to me, I just need to get this out. I hurt.<BR> It hurts to know that Bozo was so willing to do something that was so devistating to me yet again, it hurts to know that if she would have left her h, he would be with her today. It hurts to know I didn't mean more to him than this. <BR> Oh I am still functioning, being a fair wife, making sure his dinner is ready, trying to cook the things he likes, doing the laundry, all of those little wifely chores, but inside where he doesn't see I'm slowly dying. I put on a good show most of the time guys but this is the real me now, the one who is still so confused she doesn't know what to do, the one who has to hear Bozo say "oh things are good," well they aren't good, not for me. I don't know if they ever will be again. I've tried to talk to him about it, but he just refuses to get it, as long as he's happy there is no problem, well what if I stop making him happy again? Will he do me one more time, or a hundred ? <BR> I am sorry for unloading this here, but I have no one else to talk to about this, I dare not mention this to my family. <P>------------------<BR>Just call me - Deb<BR>------------------------<BR>The only day I can do anything about is today, yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not yet mine.<P>

Oh Deb,<BR>I feel so bad for you right now. I know how you must ache. Just cry. Let it out. I am so sorry. I really don't know what to say, except we are here for you. I got sad just reading your topic. Find what makes you happy, Deb. That is all you can control. Things will get better.<P>cc

Hi Deb -<P>OK - let's talk about it, Deb.....<P>What is it that you're looking for from Bozo? The past is done, it can't be undone - the future, only GOD knows.So we have to deal in the present.<P>So, what is it you need right now?<P>Hugs, Strength and take a deep breath!!<P>Sheba

I know. I never knew i could have so much pain inside me. I want to let it all out at him, but what if he leaves me again? I feel so unsafe, with the person i should be safest with.<BR>I want to cry and scream and beat on his chest and have him hold me and promise me it will never happen again.<BR>The thought of another weekend, and the feeling he'll find something infinitely more interesting than me is here again, and i can barely hold myself together.<BR>Precious time has been lost, and every five minutes he stays away seems like an eternity.<BR>It feels like a raw, infected wound on my heart, and the fever is in my whole body, and every hour he's away makes it worse and worse. I am the only one to tend the wound, and I CAN'T DO IT ALONE ANYMORE.<BR>The loneliness is eating me alive. Even when he's here, he's not. It seems like the void will be there forever. I try not to lose hope, but i do, and i scream at him, and then i regret it, and the pain builds again...

Thanks everybody, than you for being here.<P> Sheba, <BR> I don't know what I want from him, I guess I want to be # 1 with him. He's having to work a lot of ot right now, and even when he's here he's not here (I understand Love Was Blind) <BR> I want him to acknowledge that I am unhappy, and that I have reason to be, I want it to matter to him if I'M happy or not, this marriage should be based on more than HIS happiness.<P>------------------<BR>Just call me - Deb<BR>------------------------<BR>The only day I can do anything about is today, yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not yet mine.<P>

Oh yeah, HIS needs. sometimes i feel like he's this spoiled child, and if HE's not happy, he'll have a temper tantrum in the checkout (go back with OW b/c I screwed up somehow). dammit, I want a candy bar, too!

lWb,<BR> I personally think we deserve several candy bars and a bag of gummy bears too.<P>------------------<BR>Just call me - Deb<BR>------------------------<BR>The only day I can do anything about is today, yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not yet mine.<P>

<BR>aw, heck, the whole aisle.<BR>im off to bed now, i hope your evening improves. <BR>((((deb)))))<P>------------------<BR>for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, till death do us part.<P><BR>

Deb,<BR>I could have written your post myself. H is sleeping like a baby (as usual) and I wonder what I even feel. H seems to think that if he is happy then of course I am also. If I make the mistake of saying anything he shuts the door and leaves me empty. I feel like he can be sweet to me as long as I am a good girl and don't ask for anything more than he has to give.........in the moment. I need so much more but feel so helpless to fix it, and so tired of trying to just move on. To what? More of not quite enought? Well, guess I will go lay awake awhile longer, if God has a plan here I sure hope he lets me in on it soon! Night all.<P>------------------<BR>alleyoop<BR>

Hi Deb...No Trust here...<P>I've been lurking lately and came across your post. I'm sorry to hear that you are still hurting. I couldn't remember if you & H compared your emotional needs and how you two compared. Maybe you both need to re-evaluate each other's emotional needs....Has he been in the forum lately to see your Post?<P>You've been here for me and your advice has been so supportive. You've helped me when I was at a really low point in my life. I want you to know that I am here for you along with all of your friends at MB....<P>It's so hard to deal with what has happenned. I can imagine what you are feeling like, because I stuggle with the past everyday. It still hurts but all we can do is move forward. I know it is easier said than done...but that seems the only way to move on with our lives.....<P>Please don't lose hope. I know that your H loves you. You do a lot of special things for H but don't neglect yourself. Do things that make you feel good...pamper & spoil yourself because you deserve it.<P>Hang in there...things will get better.....little baby steps, remember?<P>Your friend....No Trust

Deb-<BR>I understand where you are...I visit there often myself. It's so painful to go through this once, but yet again. I posted w/Airheart last week trying to gain some insight on multiple affairs. Since H is not as remorseful as I would like and wants to just move on, I'm wondering if H feels like this is just acceptable behavior...i.e. keep him happy and we have nothing to worry about, otherwise.... It's a very ugly situation to be in.

Hi Deb -<P>You know, Alleyoop is right - you ad her are at the same place.<P>I think the answer lies in your communication. You both NEED - but even you can't express it exactly. I understand what you both are saying, but I'm a woman!!! Some Men think in "Action" We have to find a way to get what you both are looking for across in a way they understand. <P>Does this make sense to you?<P>I think that you both know that your H's basically love you they just don't show it the way you do and the way you want them to!!!!<P>Give me a clue - do you think I have something here?<BR>

This may sound kinda funny (maybe not) but, how about some out side the home interests. Get involved in something to get your minds off the hubby. Get a part time job, or volunteer somewhere, or hobbies, even walking, something to get some of your self worth back. I've taken some college classes and that helped me. Don't let your world entirely revolve around him. Get some kind of life back for yourselves. It will do wonders for you. Hope this helps and nobody takes it wrong, just trying to help. I know when depressed the best thing to do is to do something. Sorry for you and am praying to.<BR>Ginn

Sheba, please do help us find a way to get accross to our H's these unresolved feelings that we have. <P>I too, struggle with the same feelings that Deb and the others do. When your H doesn't even want to discuss the matter and gets angry or upset each time we just want to talk about what they were feeling at the time that they chose to get involved with another and just try and make some sense of what went wrong, under these circumstances how do you deal with the pain?<P>I personally feel like Rubik's cube...I went through so many twists and turns for 4 months with his little escapade and the bits and pieces of talking that we have done just don't line up. I don't feel as if I ever got any real answers.<P>I'm sure that he would like to forget about what all he did to me and pretend that it never happened, that way he doesn't have to accept the responsibility of being the one that imposed so much pain. Do they not want to talk about it because they are feeling guilt or afraid that by talking about it feelings for the op will resurface?<P>Yes, they are with us and yes they are trying in their "man" ways, but where does that leave us? Do we just sweep it under the rug as they have and pretend that it never happened and go out and try and do something for ourselves to make us feel better....this is easier said than done when you are still carrying around a great deal of pain and your life does totally revolve around the one person that you love more than anyone else in the world and that one person betrayed you and you haven't a clue as to why.<P>Do help us....<P>

Hi MySharona (Morning Deb)<P>On Alleyoop's post to me, I asked her to do something - check it out and do it if you want.<P>The first thing to do is to figure your own needs out EXACTLY!!!!<P>Example - I need to feel that my pain and fears are understood by you and when you brush me off by getting upset when I try to approach the subject I feel that you are not acknowledging those feelings and in fact are minimizing them. <P>Things like this!!!<P>Let me know what you think!!!<P>Hugs,<P>Sheba

You know, I don't know if I should be releived that so many others have felt this way or sad about it, I think sad is better in this case<BR> My h is one of those "just get over it" type people, you know. "well I said I'm sorry" but stuff man, how often is I'm sorry enough ? And when does his turn come to be the one who worrys a little that he may lose me if I'm not happy. He hasn't said anything about this thread so I'm not sure if he's seen it or not, at this point, well I don't care. He's not mean to me. doesn't misstreat me, unless you count breaking my heart to tiny peices and stomping on them 4 times as mistreating. I am almost to the point that the risk isn't worth the work anymore. I still care for him deeply ( foolish me) but if I am going to be honest here, and this is the one place I feel able to do that, then I have to admit it's not the same anymore. I'm not sure what my feelings are toward him today, I care about him, but we seem to be becoming more like room mates, than a married couple. <BR> I try to keep my mind busy, I am working on my crafts, ect... but I can't see where it's helping my heart any. Oh well what will be, will be. <P>------------------<BR>Just call me - Deb<BR>------------------------<BR>The only day I can do anything about is today, yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not yet mine.<P>

Deb,<BR>I don't have any words of advice for you... Lately I think my replies have been too suggestive and trying to "fix" other Peoples' problems. I do want to say this... You are a wonderful person and have been there for me. I now am there for you... if bozo can't see you for what we see you for then he is " a bozo " .... know that you are in my thoughts and that you are strong and caring so I know you get through this <P>------------------<BR>Rutger......One day at a time.<P>

hi deb, I am so sorry to here that you are down, feeling such deep unhappiness. I can relate, and can only keep telling you that it does get better. I understand exactly what you say regarding "h feels that everything is fine-but I do not". Mine does the same thing. <BR>SO then I start wondering how I ever acquired this 'problem' that has become mine? Huh? I cannot remember signing up for this! <BR>I have to be careful that I do not let it turn into resentment. I have to watch the choices I make regarding how I am going to feel!! I know I make the choices, so I want to stay in control of those. I have to work at feeling good!<BR>(((hugs)))

The thing is, I already have a BIG resentment, to be honest, I'm not even sure what I want to do anymore, do I want to leave him ? In a way I'm ready to, but I forgave him so I can't leave now can I ? We aren't getting along real well today. He told me he loved me this morning, I opened my mouth and "Dr. Evil" jumped out, and told him "too bad, because I don't care anymore" . Then we had a tiff over me asking him to go next door and buy me a diet coke. He has plenty of reg. coke here, but I drink diet, he was peeved because I said never mind, I don't matter, as usual, or something along those lines. He went and got it but he was peeved about it. This is soooooo stupid and petty. I know it's my fault, it's always my fault. Can it be that this has all come to a head ? Why now, it's been almost a year since the last affair. 11 months to be exact. I think it's this, I forgave him before, yes I messed up early in our marriage, but I learned my lesson and didn't keep it up, I guess I expected him to learn too after our seperation, to actually feel a little like "Wow, she has forgiven me again, I will never hurt her that way anymore" Well he did 1 emotional affair and 1 full blown affair, and the thing is, I was second choice, the boobie prize. And this was after 1 emotional affair and 1 leaving me for the wildebeast. I feel like I'm living on borrowed time in this marriage, maybe I unconcisly want it to be over now so I can just relax, and stop living scared, I don't know anymore. <BR> I can't tell you all how much it means to me to know you all are here for me. This is one place I can be honest about my feelings. I wonder if my heart has become hard and calloused from the scars ?<BR> Oh and he IS a Bozo, sometimes. And sometimes he's that guy who I liked from the first time I saw him, I am soooooo confused. Maybe when I finish my interferon treatments I'll try to find me some kind of little job, so when he does me again I won't be left with nothing and no way to survive.<P>------------------<BR>Just call me - Deb<BR>------------------------<BR>The only day I can do anything about is today, yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not yet mine.<P>

Deb,<P>Boy do I know the pain. Hang in there {{{ }}}. A couple of things that have helped me lately. "Don't try to make a steak when all you have in the frig is hamburger!" In other words, don't look at what you don't have, look at what you do and work with that. Make one heck of a hamburger! And the other thing is a book by Gary & Greg Smalley called "Winning Your Husband Back Before it is too Late" Excellent book! It works on your relationship with Christ first. These men are incapable of meeting our needs because they are human. Every time we look to them to fulfill us, they will fail (this is my big thing that I struggle with). It is a short book but packed with good advice very similar to the Harley books but with a different slant. We women need to be selffulfilled and then we become more attractive to our men.<P>I know this sounds like the impossible dream, but what is the other option? Sit around and be miserable? Choose to live a fulfilling life. I know that Bozo does love you, but unfortunately HE'S JUST A MAN. So is my Bozo and no matter how he tries, he can't fulfill me, only Christ can and I have to sieze that. Pick yourself up one more time. I know you can do it You are so encouraging to everyone esle. We all just love you to pieces!<P>------------------<BR>Mary<BR>