Quick question - It's been 3 1/2 weeks since I found out about h's affair. Last night while talking, I asked him what he thought about whenever he sees her (they work in the same office). He paused and then his reply was that he felt sorry for her for the way he hurt her and used her. <BR>I'm not proud of my response but it was "well she knew what she was getting into". He replied "Yeah, that's true but I'm still a compassionate person - I'm figuring that's one of the reasons you still want to be with me."<BR>So, educate me - is it normal for him to feel this way ? -is it right for him to feel this way ? What are your experiences?<P>And please no attacks!!<P>Thanks.

Yes, I would say so.

I think he's normal. Right? Nothing right about the whole situation, except that you've both decided to work it out. <BR>My h said similar things. He simply can't hurt their feelings and he feels bad! GO Figure, no problem hurting mine. But we are in recovery for 2 months now. Doing good.<BR>Not attacking, but you do need to muster the energy and control from somewhere to love him through what he is feeling. Don't attack the other woman, he will only feel more compassion for her and anger from you. <BR>Hope all goes well!<BR><P>------------------<BR>Mater<P>

My H and I are 3 months into recovery and his primary feelings are still for OW. He is kind and considerate to me, but in love with her. He feels so depressed still for "letting her down", not following through with all of their hopes and dreams together, etc.....but feels he "should" give myself and our 2 children a "try". So, yes, this can be very "normal", but ours is far from becoming a success story yet. I have actually become more distant recently so am able to hear more of his turmoil in a somewhat objective manner. I'm being a friend but may not stay a wife.<P>--Jenn

tmdm - your H's sentiments sound very similar to the stuff my H has said ie. that he feels sorry for screwing up her life. My H also gave me the he's a compassionate person line and said he was sorry I couldn't have compassion for the ow -- (nope, never will I'm sure - told H in no uncertain terms that was too much to expect from me) I think this is just part of their way of dealing with the guilt and shame of it all. How are you coping with the fact your H still works with her?<BR> Simone

Simone<P>Well obviously I'm not happy about them still working together, but he's a big exec and isn't going anywhere, and she unfortunately doesn't appear to be going anywhere either. The most bothersome thing is that he is indirectly her boss - she is a salesperson and sometimes he has to go on job sites with her. Now so far he has told me whenever he has to be with her and so far there has always been another coworker there with them too. So this is good. However, there could come a time when just the two of them have to go to a job - and I told my h. that they have to always take separate cars. He told me but sometimes we have a 45 min drive and need to go over things - so I said that's why you have cell phones. I also reminded him that he is the boss and should be able to delegate someone to take over these things for him. But you know how it is - "noone can ever do as good a job as you". I think he is getting it - slowly - He says don't worry I have willpower - I told him that if the two of them were in a car alone together yeah it could be just business - but it could also lead to a personal discussion and then what? They're stuck together. I said one day she is going to want to talk to him about all of this (he broke it off very abruptly with her - with no warning - as he was caught!) He says no she is too mad at me - ah but the anger will fade and then what?<BR>So that's my story. Unfortunately I will have to see ow at all the company functions - even the kids ones - yuk!! But I will be confident in the fact that I am the one he chose!