Betrayers - <P>Of those of you who "went back" to your marriage, how many went back for reasons other than you loved your spouse and can't live without them? <P>My H might move home, but is afraid it will be for the wrong reasons. He said everytime he leaves after a visit he is depressed for a couple of days - he missed us even when he is with her, but they have passion and all. He says the guilt is killing their chances.<P>Ok - two questions. Of those that went back for the wrong reasons (anything other than love for youe spouse) - Did it work once you got over the OP? <P>Thanks for the input - I want to share this with my H - this site has helped him even tho he doesn't post.

Went back because I felt God wanted me to try to make the marriage work.<P>A year later I'm over the OM (pretty much) (I hate him actually) but am still miserable in the marriage.<P>Guess I"m not alot of help, huh?

Hi dhj,<P>I think you know some of my story since we've talked before...<P>I went back for my son. It was not because I loved my wife. In fact I'm still having problems in that area.<P>I can't answer your second question cuz I'm not entirely over the OW yet.<P>I guess, like Maya, I'm not helping alot...<BR> <P>--andy

dhj<P>I went back to my H because I woke up and smelled the coffee so to speak. I realized that I really did love my H.<P>Another reason why I went back was because our daughter needed both of her parents and she needed us to be together not apart.<P>I also realized that I left for all the wrong reasons. I left because that is what my mom wanted me to, she hates my H so to speak. She led me to believe that my H was all wrong for me and that he was contolling me even when he wasn't.<P>I love my H very much. If it hadn't been for my mom trying to interfere in my marriage I would have never left my H and had the one night stand that I did.<P>Yes it became easier once I was over OM but I got over OM very easy since it was a one night stand. The hard part was trying to get OM to not contact me anymore. He tried to get me to see him using e-mail. I haven't talked to him since April.<p>[This message has been edited by hopeful1771 (edited November 18, 1999).]

The man I am involved with went back because he felt a terrible guilt and because he felt he owed it to his wife to at least try. She wanted him to write me a letter that they both signed saying how he loved her and wanted his marriage to work. He did this but he called me first and told me he was going to do it for her. We talked for about two or three hours about the reasons he was going back. Being in love with her was not one of the reasons. I told him that I agreed that what we had been doing was wrong and he had to go back and try, and I hoped he would be successful at it. I told him that I would help him by refusing to have any contact with him or talk to him unless he was living separately from his wife and getting divorced. I told him that I would not wait for him. This nearly killed me and he knew it. He knows I am strong though, and that I would move on with my life. A few weeks b4 we got caught, I had finally opened up and told my pastor everything. I had stopped going to church for a few months because the guilt had gotten so great. He did not judge me but prayed with me to find the strength to end the relationship. That was what helped keep me from trying to hang on to him. My boyfriend worked on his marriage for a year and 1/2 and then left and filed for divorce. Then he called me. We are seeing each other again but will not be intimate until we marry. I have talked with my pastor and he says that I am doing things the right way. I would say let him come back whatever his reasons are. Let him try and you try too. Maybe it will work. Every marriage is not the same. <P>Del

Thanks guys - <P>I ask the question because my Dad did something similar to my mom. He went back for me his only child. After 9 months he left again. He had no love for my mom at all - I think that makes it harder. <P>My H at least loves me - he describes our marriage and life together as most happy, busy couples would. He has begun to discover that most of what he felt like he was missing was from the way he chose to live his life, not the relationship with me. I would describe our marriage as pretty good - we are best friends, we love to do the same things, we want the same things in life for the most part, we love and care for each other deeply (but we aren't in love), we are lacking in the passion area that comes from being in love. I actually felt a spark the other day because he did something very special - well not really - it was just an affectinate jester, but not something he would not usually do. That showed me that I could feel that way about him again with work. If he comes home and can get over her I am sure we can do it. The question is - can he get over her. <P>She will be quitting work soon and we will be moving out of state - I hope that tilts the odds in our favor. <BR>

My husband came back after being gone for 4 days due to an intense emotional affair with a woman from our church. He initially because he couldn't face telling our child that he was leaving (child had been away at camp). He began counselling telling ow it was to get help for our son in making the break while telling me it was to give our marriage a chance (I did not know then about ow.) Perhaps he was just mixed up. I do believe that during the affair he truly did not know which end was up!<P>Ten days after his return, I stumbled across love letters from the ow. The affair ended then - not because he wanted his marriage but because I threatened to sue ow and he knew that she would DIE from the humiliation of it all. All communications between them ended abruptly after I had a tough but heartfelt and truthful talk with ow. <P>H now says that he has never been happier. I still have difficulty with the fact that he did not choose me initially, but he seems genuinely gratefull for the way things turned out. I should add that we have both really worked at making the other happy and that, although our marriage had some real problems when the affair started, we had always been really close - best friends as well as lovers.<P>Get him away from her and at least give your marriage a chance. If you had love once and both try in good faith to restore it, you probably can.<P>Divorce is rotten. Good luck!

dhj,<P>I don't know why I'm responding because I'm with Maya and airheart on this one... I went back because it was the right thing to do. Yes, there was love there, but not the "in love" feeling that I had so missed with my H. Is the feeling back? NO. But let me share one thing with you that may help in your situation: Had my H shown complete love and forgiveness (kinda like Plan A) and realized that I ended the affair because of my devotion (unlike Plan A where you love the person back even though the affair is still continuing)then I think my love would have returned. Does that sound confusing? Probably. Short version: I was vulnerable and needed to feel loved. My H could only be hurt and sad around me, couldn't show me love and forgiveness. Therefore the love felt illusive, far away. And I, in turn, became sadder and more withdrawn. Oh geez... still not short enough... boy, I can go on this morning. I guess I'm blaming my H a bit for not helping me to fall back in love with him. He's been so angry and hurt. I needed that from him.<P>So, what I'm saying is (sorry it took so long to get here)...<P>LOVE YOUR H WITH ALL YOUR HEART AND DO YOUR BEST TO MAKE HIM FEEL HE MADE THE RIGHT CHOICE. <P>If he moves back and all he sees is the pain he caused, right reasoning or not, he will want to get away from the constant reminder of the pain he caused. Make sense??<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P>

to New Beginning, <P>It makes good sense to me. Is there anything you can do to get him headed in the right direction?

seems to me that going back for love alone is exactly the WRONG reason. isn't love alone what made him go to her?<BR>the committment he made to you and your son, the fun you have together, the life you have built...THOSE are the right reasons. real love is what comes from that, even if the passion is missing right now.<P>------------------<BR> <A HREF="http://www.alladvantage.com<BR>ID#" TARGET=_blank>www.alladvantage.com<BR>ID#</A> atp-113<P>

oh, by the way, mh H and i have never had much more than passion for each other, have been together out of "love", and our marriage has been really rotten so far, if that makes you feel any better. he has recently decided to stick it out, "for the kids", and things are getting much better for us