My wife is very reluctant to commit to working on our marriage. I believe that she has much anger at me for the way I treated her in the past. I have tried hard to change the way I treat her over the past year. However, she can't forget about the past. I realize I need to get over my anger that I have for her having an affair and that is what I have tried to do. Does anyone have any suggestions or encouragements for how to deal with wifes anger? I am realing growing tired of living with a woman who won't commit to working on our marriage.

hi tim!! Nice to see your name, and hope some things are better for you.<BR>Wife's anger? hmmmmm. I could answer how I got over my own and how my h dealt with it, but the circumstances are backwards. Then again, I am not sure that it matters who did what to whom. If one looks at it that way, then anger at another is just that-take it at face value.<BR>Wonder why your wife harbors all this anger? She is afraid to let go of it because she has held it close to her for a long time? She uses it as a way to justify? It is now a habit instead of a fleeting emotion? Tim, I am not sure her anger is really with you...but more with herself for caving in, for her perceived weaknesses?<BR>

My W too stays angry wuth me. we have been seperated for 11months. I think she still loves me cause things were getting better till I made her mad(again). I am the betrayed, and I think she stays mad at me she wont be giving in or being weak.<P>I dont know if this helps<P>------------------<BR>brownphdt<P>

Cl and Brown,<P>Thanks for your responses. I know for me I had my own anger to get over and I guess I decided to just quit being angry about her affair. Now however I am getting angry and frustrated over my wifes apparent anger or lack of desire or whatever it is with me. She also harbors anger for my family. I personnly think that keeping this anger alive justifys to her what she did. I understand why she did it, but want to get on with life again. Oh well.<P>Cl, how did you get over your anger and how did your husband deal with it.<p>[This message has been edited by TimJ (edited November 18, 1999).]

hi tim, I was a pretty angry person when all this erupted. I would have terrible mood swings where I was completely pissed, then totally sad. It was ugly, real ugly! <BR>We have a punching bag hanging in the garage that the teens work out on. I got lessons from them, then everytime I would get angry, I would beat the heck out of that bag. Wore out the gloves. It took discipline not to fly off the handle with h and head right for the garage. I also biked and ran a lot. Pretty hard to remain angry when you can hardly catch your breath.<BR>We sort of had a cycle going-we would talk, I would listen, not say a lot because I knew it would be total lovebuster time, then I would kind of start to boil inside. H and I talked about how to handle my emotions, and both of us decided that it was unfair to be angry at each other. <BR>H was really patient with me, which was new behavior for him. He could not understand at all, just as you cannot, but he hung in there. I did not get into lovebusting to many times, but I had my moments! <BR>Patience was the key for us. Lots of time, lots of care. I also had to convince myself that none of his actions were personal-nothing was directed at me.<BR>It was important to me during times I was angry for him to stay away from me. I was off limits if I was out on my bike or in the garage. This was a rule! The last thing I wanted was him trying to ask me why I was angry at that moment! Anything that I would have said would have been a lovebuster, very ugly, and would have done nothing toward the healing process. They were my thoughts that only I could deal with. It was also important for him to tell me that he was there if I wanted to talk, but no pressure. <BR>I also had the advantage of him being gone. It had a downside too, but it really did give me time to work thru my own issues, to find a perception that would help me, to find the keys to heal my heart! I am not saying that being apart is the answer, it is just that I did need the time to think. <BR>It was very hard for h to stand back while I was angry or hurting, but the pressure was too much sometimes. He learned to be patient with me, to wait for me to tell him what was on my mind, and I learned that he had that ability and had compassion. <BR>It was important for me to see this compassion and to see him respecting my wishes. <BR>Your wife may not be ready to let go of the anger because it gives her a reason....some sense that her affair was justified. One issue that made me really work on the anger was that it made me feel powerless, a prisoner. It made me feel out of control, weak. It might be worth exploring that with her...at least mentioning it might get her closer to looking?

Cl,<P>Thanks for sharing. Sounds like you dealt with your anger similar to how I did. I did a lot of running myself the past year. I know that the key to getting over this to try and not take my wifes anger so personal, but it can be tough at times. I also need to keep reminding myself that the only way I can help her get over her anger for me is to keep trying to be their for her. It gets really tough when she's not to interested in exchanging the favor. Anyway thanks again for the info.