I've had another thread going here about all the unanswered questions about H's affair. He doesn't want to answer the questions etc.<BR>Earlier this year he disclosed his affair. It took another two months before he would tell me who she was, then another month before he changed the characterization from "just talk" to some physical stuff, but not sex. Last night he said he never did have an affair. Could this just be that his definition of affair means it must include intercourse? Or could his therapist that is helping him work through the guilt be so good that he is now convinced it never happened? I'm finding this quite puzzling. Anyone else experienced something like this?<BR> Simone

Me again--<P>Your H sounds like Clinton. Am I recalling that your H is an attorney? If he isn't, he sure is behaving like one! <P>Sorry to lawyer bash...<P>Maybe he has convincved himself, or a friend has, or a family member has, that an "affair" only relates to those sexual in nature. Does this sound like it's time to meet with your counselor, individually, to consult him about this curious change in his admissions.<P>I'm sorry if I sound negative -- I don't mean to. But, do you think he is trying to ease his own guilt with the holidays approaching?<P>Just a thought...<P>--keystone

Simone:<P>You know he had an affair. No man would voluntarily admit an affair to his wife if he didn't really have one. I suspect he's playing definitional symantics with you. Don't let him get away with it. Cross-examine him if you must, but don't let him change his story now. Wish you had a deposition transcript of the confession to hold up to him! <P>As a member of the jury, I say he's guilty as charged.<P>------------------<BR>/// Lone Star * ///<P>

Simone,<BR>After reading your other thread and know this one, I think your H is acting like a...postier something.<P>Having said that, I think your need to know is at cross purposes, at least at this point, with your recovery. It would be nice if your H could just give you your answers, but unfortunately you can not make him tell you the truth, even if he talks.<P>IMHO I think your therapist should have explored why you think you need to know the nature of your affair and negotiated something that made you feel secure and H could feel comfortable with.<P>Maybe you do need to know these things, but I would suspect that what you may mean is that you need to feel confident that the "affair" is not a current threat to your marriage and that your H does not have a treasured place for her in his heart that violates your rightful relationship.<P>If H could somehow prove or convince you of these things, then how important would those questions really be? Maybe somewhat important still, but maybe not as pressing right now. <P>Right or wrong, this issue is putting you and your H on opposing teams instead of on the same team. So even if you won this battle, it may not move you closer to winning the war. The answers may crush you at this point, as your H dreads and if your H is so against this, it is not likely to improve your relationship.<P>You know, Simone, I was surprised to find you were a lawyer, because you seem to deal with things on a much more emotional level than I would stereo-type a cold calculating lawyer.<P>I'm in sales, and although I am a low-key, always honest salesperson, I probibly am more goal orientated in my approach to problem solving. Not that the end justifies the means, but that if what you are trying to do, even if it should, but doesn't help you reach the goal, change tactics. I guess some would call that manipulation. However, if you are honest and your motives are pure...well then, why not?<P>Changing your list to include why you want to know, is good, but I would really examine if this will help your healing at this point.<P>Also, instead of arguing whether or not he had an affair, try asking him what his definition is. Find a term you can both live with. Give him your definition, which may be emotionally or sexually investing oneself in a relationship that excludes the spouse and is characterized by deception.<P>My H had a hard time calling his thing an affair for a while, but at least agreed it was an inapppropriate relationship. Now enough time has passed, what it is called doesn't matter much.<P>And remember, whenever H does tell you something, put your listening ears on and reflect on what he has said before responding or grilling.<P>Just some thoughts.<P><P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Thank you for all your responses. <BR>Keystone - I think you are right that H has convinced himself with the help of his therapist that it was not an affair unless it involved sexual intercourse. I spoke with our couples therapist today and told her we must talk about same sex relationships and my expectations - I know H and I have different opinions on this. I suspect he has crossed the line on other occasions - he does seem to have a difficult time with boundaries in a few areas. I concur wholeheartedly that he is trying to ease his own guilt by not using the word "affair". He prefers to call it a "distraction". Sounds much less culpable doesn't it? I think you are right about the holidays approaching. The affair was at its peak last winter. I look at the family portrait from Christmas of us with my parents and extended family and imagine the thoughts in his head:<BR>"my wife doesn't know it but I have already seen our accountant, hired a divorce lawyer and am romantically involved with a beautiful woman who is nearly twenty years younger than my wife". Ouch.<P>Lone Star - yes, I KNOW he had an affair. Why in the world would any man confess to his wife that he was romantically involved with a young lawyer that works for him if he were not. All along he has said what a hero he was and what great restraint he exercised because it never went all the way to sexual intercourse even though they spent the evening in a hotel room together (and many weekends and evenings at the office and perhaps elsewhere) - like I was supposed to congratulate him on his ability to restrain himself, his moral character and exercise of discretion. When I have "cross examined" him about inconsistencies in his story, the response has been, when convenient, "I don't recall". All that said,I love the guy dearly, think he is truly remorseful, and, as of last night, he said he now sees how cruel he has been to refuse to answer any of my questions. That is a refreshing change, even if I am terrified of the answers...but as I told him, at this stage I believe it is his willingness to be open and honest that is more important than the answers themselves. On the other hand, because I care and believe he is remorseful, I am reluctant to cause him more pain and guilt by forcing him to talk about his affair.<P>FHL - All along what I've really tried to get a sense of was what was the nature of his affair. (Its rather elusive since they've been together so long and his account has varied from a couple of months to a year, from "just talk" to physical stuff. This has been particularly important to me because he and the ow still work together. I need to protect myself and my daughter and he said she did not want to end "it". I cannot ever let myself be put in such a vulnerable positon again. I was about to lose everything I considered important in my life. I never want my daughter to be hurt again like she was. You are right that I want assurance that the ow does not have any place in his heart any more. I am entitled to have my husband completely. <BR>Not all lawyers are cold and calculating. While in my professional life I do not (or try not to) show my emotional side, I am human - even if I could sometimes be accused of being "calculating" on behalf of a client, I have never been dishonest or unethical. I have chosen a career path to help the less fortunate and those who are less likely to be able to help themselves. For a signifcant time, I gave up corporate opportunities to represent abused, neglected and abandoned children...many of whom were sadly familiar with infidelity. All I could think about was how much I wanted to take these children into my home and my heart and show them what love and family were. <BR>As you said I suppose it doesn't matter much what our h's call "it" -whether an inappropriate relationship, affair, or distraction...as long as they are truly remorseful and are able to assure us that "it" will never happen again. I guess I want a fuller picture of what "it" was so I can judge for myself, instead of blindly trusting "it" will never happen again. I blindly trusted before.<BR> Simone