We have been married for 12yrs, together for 15.<BR>We have twin 9yr old daughters.<BR>For awhile I thought my wife was having an affiar, but could not face asking her.<BR>We are seeing a marriage counsler for my anger, its not physical, I never have and never would think of hitting her or my kids, its more my laungage and temper.<BR>I've found 4 letters from the other guy, another teacher at her school, 3 from him and 1 from her to him, they all point at an affair, my wife denies it and says all they are doing is helping each oter with their relationships, our marriage and his past divorce,(his wife cheated on him, thats his version anyway)<BR>I still love my wife so much and have told her I could overlook the affair, I have also moved out of the house for a trail 60day seperation, but come over each morning to get the kids ready for school and pick them up after school when I'm not at the fire station (24hrs at a time)<BR>My wife wont talk about it anymore, I have tried to ask questions about whats going on with them anbd she wont answer, just says I already said its nothing.<BR>This morning i found his backpack in the trunk of her car and asked her whats going on<BR>was told they were in her car only talking about he's poor evalution at work that day and nothing more.<BR>Help me please. I love her and am hurt so much by this. Not being at home at nights I dont know whats going on, if they are on the phone or what?<BR>How long should I wait to see if this is a midlife crisis for my wife or what?<BR>

TXhusband,<P>You've come the right place...<P>and I hate to say it... but there are more than just a few <I>sure</I> signs of problems here.<P>1. You've got to move back into the house ASAP... <B>can</B> the idea of a seperation... seperation only leads to a growing apart... you've got to make it clear to her that if she wants that a seperation there will be a price she will have to pay. (don't say it this way... it would be love busting! Marriage building isn't going to happen when you're apart.<P>2. This seperation will (beyond the shadow of doubt) lead to your wife(W) moving closer to the Other Man(OM) and farther from you... this will happen so fast, more than your head will spin.<P>3. It is very likely that she is in a MidLifeCrisis (MLC.)<P>Things for you to do....<BR>1. Learn all you can here at Marriage Builders (MB)<BR>2. Read the "concepts" from the home page<BR>3. Read the "Plan A/Plan B" article (on left side of home page)<BR>4. Start on Plan A <B>Big Time</B>!<BR>5. Get the book "Surviving an Affair"... <B>ASAP</B>!... read it... read it... read it!<BR>6. Learn not to "Love Bust"... doing anything to push her away from you... yelling... screaming... complaining... nagging.... (I know you're in counseling for this... I hope you can get that into gear fast)<P>We, who are at this forum, are here to give you, and each other, as much emotional support through this traumatic time... (if your's isn't traumatic yet... it could be.) I'm not saying this to scare you... but... so many of us have heard stories <B>so</B> similar to your's it is frightening... and virtually everyone turned into an affair. <P>Post... Vent.... YELL(here)... Cry (yes.. guys here openly admit to crying... our sense of honesty lost tells us it's OK) <P>But most of all ask and listen...<BR>There are many here with literally years of experience in what you are going through... <B>You're not alone</B> <P>Jim<BR>------------------<BR>I can dare myself... I'll put a pebble in my shoe...<BR>I can walk... I can walk! I shall call the pebble Dare...<BR>Dare shall be carried... And when we both have had enough<BR>I will take him from my shoe, singing... "Meet your new road!"...<BR>Finally glad... Finally glad... That you are here... By my side...

Totally agree with NSR. <P>Also, check previous threads regarding "emotional affairs" and betrayers who work with the OP. Key in particulally on those issues dealing with betrayers cutting off contact with the OP.<P>Lastly, and maybe most importantly, don't let yur emotions go wild. You'll be more inclined to rush off and do something that will push your spouse toward the OM (lovebust) at a time when you desire just the opposite.<P>As NSR said, you are not alone!<P>Chin up!<P>--keystone