Hi everyone - <P>If you have read my posts today you know that my H and I have been talking about him moving back home. He is currently living with her by default. He did not want to go into debt by renting a place of his own and after spending time in his Explorer - yes slepping in it - and extended stay places and cheap hotels - he ended up in her high rise. He is miserable and says he misses us. He just wants to be sure when he makes the final decision to come home that it is the right decision and he can make our marriage work. <P>Here is the kicker. He had plans to go to his family's home for Thanksgiving. I invited him to spend it with us - I even suggested that he could take us with him and surprise his family that we were getting back together. They have been devastated by this and love me like I was born into their family. I found out tonight that he had plans to take her with him to his parent's house. <P>Now, I have been patient, but this is a slap in the face!!! It is unfair to his family - his mother is not well and stress always makes symptoms worse. They love me and are shocked by what is going on. <P>Now the good part is he always (when he was single) took people he dated to his family and if the passed that ultimate test then he would continue the relationship. If they failed he dumped them pretty fast. He told me this week he was looking for a way out and he thought this was the way. He thinks the trip will be a disaster. His family already has a poor opinion of her - especially his mom. He thinks this is an easy way out. <P>I think if I could get over him taking her there and it goes the way he seems to want it and I think it may go - that would mean the affair ends on its own and he comes home. That means his withdrawal could be somewhat less because he didn't leave a good thing. Does that make sense? <P>I talked to two people her - one family and one friend - they agree with me that this may be the last straw. I do not know if I could take him back if he takes her to his family. I told him tonight that I wasn't sure I could get past this if he did it. That scared him, but he didn't decide ne way or the other. <P>This is so selfish of him, but may work in my favor if I can swallow my pride. It is unfair to me, his family, and OW (who cares). He thinks this will bring him home to us - he is so ready to come up but looking for an excuse. He sounds like he has made up his mind, but need something to blame the end of their relationship on. He needs to do this without sharing her with his family. <P><BR>Sorry I am rambling, but I want to get as much feedback from you all before we talk again tomorrow. I hope this can be read with al the errors - spelling and such.<P>Thanks!<P>------------------<BR>d is for dog<BR>h is for hope<BR>j is for joy, pure joy!<P>

hi dhj, the forum is acting up and I cannot read your post and post at the same time...and my memory is pretty spongy!<BR>I have not read all your posts, but am happy to hear that your h is wanting out of the affair. I would say it is dying of its own accord, which is what 'experts' say is the best route.<BR>To be honest I think you are setting yourself up a little here. You do not want him to take her, you are worried about mom, you feel sort of confident they will not like her, you want him to stay with you on tday, etc. <BR>You are pretty confused my friend! Keep the goal in focus. Yes it would hurt if he took her to the parents, and I would tell him that. Yes, you would like to sepnd the day with him, and tell him that. But be careful with your demands and your expectations. If you expect it to turn out a certain way, and something else occurs, where are you then? <BR>You have a few more days, so maybe let it ride a little and see hwere he takes it after he knows how you feel?

dhj,<P>I'm sorry to say (and I don't mean to be mean) but there are <B>two</B> big wimps here...<P><B>First</B>... your <I>husband</I>... obviously.<BR>He lacks the guts to make a grown up decision... a decision that <B>is his life</B>... and marriage...and your's as well. He feels he needs his "mommy and daddy" to disapprove(or God forbid approve) of the OW.... <B>GROW UP MAN</B>! "A test".... UUGGHHH!<P><B>Second</B>... <I>your husband's family</I>...<BR>My wife's family (she is the betrayer btw) initially sounded like your H's when you first started off. My MIL treats me like the perferred son... accepts me as every part of her family as much as any of her own flesh and blood children... in some cases even more so. And... <B>All</B> of my W's family has made it clear to both me and my W... "over everyones dead body" is the OM going to enter <B>any</B> of their homes. They have nothing but contempt for a man(my W's OM) who would break up a family... devastate the children(niece/nephews/grandkids)... and cause the almost complete alienation of my S from them!<P>How come your in-laws don't take a stand?!<BR>I understand the issue of stress... but can't your FIL standup on their opinions?<P>I hope this all works out for you...<BR>Try to get your H to make the right adult decision... and go with YOU! Not just because "he misses you"... but to show to himself that "it can work!"<BR>Or hope your in-laws find some strength to JUST SAY NO to H's request.<P>My MIL, whom I saw this past Saturday, was brought to tears when she found out that (since my W gets visitation on Thanksgiving) she will not only <B>NOT</B> see her youngest grandkids(for the first time ever on a Thanksgiving). And even more upseting is that the kids will be eating at the OM's mom's. And my W, the OM's first W, and the OM's mom will be making the meal... btw at least OM's second/current W is out of the picture. My MIL is so upset... and so sad... <P>My prayers are for you and those you care for. Do find something to give thanks for... if nothing else... than the support from the people here at MB. <P>Jim<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited November 18, 1999).]

Thanks you two!<P>Cl - It is strange that we can't read the other replies while we post. Yes, I understand it could go either way. It is just that because he is looking for a way out and that he has said he doubts she will stand up to the family/heritage test that I think he is setting himself and OW up for failure. He will nitpick everything and even if it is a good weekend - he won't think so.<BR>Also - I can live without him being here with us on Thnaksgiving. I can live with him being with her on Thanskgiving. I can live with him taking a nice trip with her - heck he is living with her. There isn't mcuh he isn't doing with her. Meeting the folks - I can't live with that unless he is making a life with her, but he is wanting out at this point. <P>Jim - The inlaws won't take a stand. They just want us both to be happy, but are very disappointed in him. He asked and they will say yes to her visit because they love him. Heck if he was the worst criminal in the world they would still love him and welcome him in their home. I don't agree because I was product of this divorce mess and now I have almost lived it all and if my son ever (or daughter) does this they will get an earfull! Actually they will get an earful brfore they marry. Maybe that will help prevent some of this! You are right tho - I have lots to be thankful for even if my marriage doesn't make it. Most of all MB has helped me thru this. I will give special thanks to them on Thanksgiving!<P>One other thing. His family, although not fond of what she has been a party to, will be nice to her. What he is after is that subtle - we can't stand you vibe that is famous in his family. He is also after her not being able to idenify with where he is from and where he is getting ready to move with either me or her. <P>The bottome line - without all the rambling...<P>If he ignores my request not to take her to his parents (the Thanksgiving part is irrelevent) is that the last straw? I have taken so much and during all this - his feelings have been priority. In my mind I don't know how I can take him back if he does this even if it is just an excuse to get out of the affair. <P><p>[This message has been edited by dhj (edited November 18, 1999).]

dhj,<P>I guess I am missing something, but if your H misses you...and WANTS to come home...and, you want him back...then he can move back anytime HE CHOOSES TO...right? The operative word...being CHOICE.<P>I understand all the convoluted thinking, you've done, on "why" he is supposedly taking her home, to meet his parents, for Thanksgiving...but, it's not the kind of thing a man does, if his intent and desire is to end a relationship.<P>It is the kind of thing a man does when he loves a woman, and is proud of her. I don't know how old your H is, but what he did in the past, in college, I assume, has little relevance to how a MARRIED MAN acts while he is having an adulterous affair!<P>I agree with Jim, what kind of people ARE your inlaws, that they would ALLOW and CONDONE this kind of behavior? If they love you so much, why would they allow this to take place in THEIR home, and ON THANKSGIVING of all days?<P>Your instincts on this are RIGHT, this is HIGHLY INAPROPRIATE behavior all around! I just honestly cannot understand the logic of any of it. Why does your H NEED an "excuse" to leave this woman? What would happen to him, IF he leaves without her "permission"???<P>You make alot of excuses for his poor behavior. You said that he moved in with this woman by "default". But, the truth is, He CHOSE to move in with her, because it suited his needs. <P> He supposedly "wants" to move back with you, but he "can't" unless SHE ends the affair OR she "ALLOWS" him to end the affair, because his parents don't like her. Which he hopes to accomplish by taking her, the woman he is having an adulterous affair with, home to spend Thanksgiving with his family...<P>I find it all abit too Junior High-ish. But, if you understand this behavior and can accept it...that's all that matters.<P>I think it is inappropriate for this woman to be sharing Thanksgiving with YOUR inlaws. I think it is very insensitive of your H to have suggested this, while at the same time, be suggesting to you, that he wants to come home. <P>Sometimes you need to deal from strength, and find the courage to take a stand. Only you know, if this is worth taking a stand on...and if you have the confidence to do so.<P> It comes down to self-respect and how much you will accept and allow. Why is so much power in the OW's hands? That bothers me alot...how about you?<P>Think it through. And, then you need to follow your own instincts.<P>Good luck.<P>~skye

DHJ -<P>I have not posted to any of your threads in a while, but if you will remember I was in a similar situation that your H finds himself in. However, never to the level of meet the family. UGH!<P>I can't understand the logic of needing a reason to get out of the affair. What about the reasons: I love my wife. I love my kids. I love my family. I honor my vows. Those are all reasons. <P>This is just childish and selfish behavior... wanting someone else to make your decision. If he really wants to do the right thing and come home he can do that. From what you have said putting his family through it is not fair nor it is fair to put you through this. The idea of OW being at his family's home! If the tables were turned I don't know if I could take it. I know my would not have.<P>Good luck!<BR>[This message has been edited by tfu (edited November 19, 1999).]<p>[This message has been edited by tfu (edited November 19, 1999).]

Thanks Skye - <P>Great reply! I think this where I will take a stand. I have put up with so much - a line has to be drawn somewhere. If he takes her home to Mom and Dad, he has crossed it. <P>I am not shocked that they won't tell him to leave her where she is - they have not said anything to him other than whatever makes you happy. They have been married 35 years, but have a very hands off approach with their kids. They tell me what they want to tell him, but since he will not communicate with them they don't barge in. <P>If he is still on the fence an dhas led me to believe that he is about to jump in my direction then he can do so without a visit to his home with OW - or he can jump in her direction or maybe a life alone. His fears of being an absentee Dad will come true. <P>I guess when you jump off a bridge you'd better know how to swin in the water you land in! He is sinking fast, I guess it got a little rough.

Dear dhj,<P>Good for you.<P>Jo

Bringing this to the top in hopes for a little more input. I am pretty sure have up my mind, but if I do make a stand and he takes her then I have to be prepared to stand by my decision to not take him bak into this family.