My H secretly watched porn videos. And when<BR>I would find them I would try to talk about it with him. He would either get mad or say<BR>I will never do it again. I tried to get him<BR>to understand that I really wanted to try and understand why he felt the need to keep this from me. I never got an answer. Now after he<BR>has been with someone else he told me he thinks the porn MAY have contributed to the<BR>problem. He says NOW he is through with the <BR>porn once and for all. What am I to think?<BR>Anyone have any imput or answers. I'm struggling here.

do a search on this website-there have been some very good discussions of this issue in the past.<BR>Does it lead to affairs? I really have never been convinced of that. To me, that is like saying that marijuana leads to heroin addiction. Some that are addicted to heroin have used marijuana, but certainly not all pot smokers are junkies. Just as not all people who view porn have been unfaithful.

Have to say that each of us have options. Does Porn lead to adultry, I don't know. I think it is how it is treated within the marriage and then eventually if not dealt with then maybe goes on to other things. The acts of Porn are questionable. Is it something that could be gotten out of the marriage, such as a need that isn't being met because it isn't being conveyed to the spouse for the fear of shame or guilt? Are we afraid to share some of out own inner most thoughts with our spouse so that we can have an "out" in dealing with them? I think trust is somewheres in the bottom of this whole issue, what do you think? God Bless!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<P><BR>

I refuse to get on any bandwagons like porn-viewing leads to extramarital affairs, or pot smoking leads to heroine addiction, or heavy metal music leads to aggressive tendencies. <P>I do however, think that your H viewing porn without your knowledge, and despite obviously knowing your adverse feelings about it, is a symptom of problems. He's promised not to do it again, and then does. That sounds like conflict avoidance. Maybe the discussions you've had in the past about it are not taking the feelings of both into account. <P>Does porn make you feel jealous, or inadequate? If so, he needs to understand your feelings and negotiate/talk with you in a way that takes your feelings into account too. Does porn make him feel aroused and he's able to enjoy it in a non-participatory way? If so, maybe you need to understand his need and negotiate/talk with him while taking his feelings into account.<P>Perhaps others with differing feelings within their relationship on the subject can help you more. H and I occasionally watch porn tapes together. We consider them a sexual aid--not necessary but enjoyable.<P>I think a person's upbringing has a lot to do with their opinion of porn (and everything else). A couple will not always share the same opinions on subjects--matter of fact, to me, what shows the true strength in a relationship is how they handle the many things they DON'T agree on! <P>No, I don't feel porn, in and of itself, leads to cheating.<P>

With my H, he became spiritual weak and more interested in worldly things, mainly sexual in nature. Porn was part of that. It was just another symptom of his spiritual weakness along with his affair, not the cause of it. It may have made him think of actualy having sex with other women more which might have contributed in a way.

Wish I had an answer. My H's porn addiction started before his Internet affair. He didn't want to do it again, but was heading down that same path. For some, I think they really need counceling, because my H has come to realize that he can't do it on his own anymore.<P>Maybe it depends on the person. In my H's case, it was the first step. It depends how addicted they are.<P>I also agree with Essyboo. That was a big part of his downfall. He said he thinks he needs God because this is too big for him to handle on his own.<P><p>[This message has been edited by Leah (edited November 19, 1999).]

Lucks,<BR>Yes, I admit that in the beginning when I discovered that porn was a secret past time<BR>for him, I felt jealous and inadequate. I explained this to him but he refused to take<BR>my feelings into consideration. After thinking about it, I told him for us to view<BR>them together, to include me not exclude me.<BR>I wanted to understand it and work this out.<BR>But he would never give me a chance. Now, he<BR>says he is through with it, but I have a hard<BR>time believing this. He has done this so long. And I feel this is still a subject that<BR>we need to explore together. What has always<BR>bothered me most is that he kept it a secret.<BR>And I feel he will fall back into doing it<BR>again if we don't confront this head on. Am<BR>I wrong?