A year after my H. started his affair and a year before I knew about it, he told me he was thinking about a divorce and considering moving out. It came as a shock to me. I knew he had been unhappy, always in a bad mood, sarcastic and hateful to all of us, but thought it was related to circumstances that would eventually disapppear. He did not admit to the affair, although I asked if he was having one. He just said he did not want to continue as we were. He said he just wanted to be alone. That it wasn't me just little things (mostly in the area of domestic tranquility and sex) that were driving him crazy. When he told me he wanted to leave, it was like a wake up call. It was in late October (1997) when he told me this, so I asked him if he would wait until after X-mas. He would be gone on flights 1/2 of that time anyway. <BR>When he was on trips I read, read and read. Books about being married to a non-christian, books about improving communication skills, Venus and Mars, The Dance with Intimacy and others. The single most important thing I discovered that I think helped the most was the advise that even if my H did not want to work on our situation, did not think anything would or could change between us, that any changes in behavior, perceptions or attitudes I made would affect him, whether he was trying to change or not. I began by writing to him, trying out some of the skills the communication books reccommended. I made more efforts to provide more "dometic tranquility" and involve him in more domestic decisions when he was home from trips. I made every effort to be where ever he was when I was not at work. If he wanted to be at the farm, that was where I went after work. I quit going to church when he was home (this wa advised in the book about being married to a non-believer)and stayed in bed with him on Sunday Mornings. I quit attending any club or community activities I was involved in if he was home. I started dressing more provocitively (sp?) and set up several fun romantic situations without the kids around. He did not move out. <BR>Seven or eight months after he had mentioned his intentions to move out, he bought us a very nice home to move into, with much more space and a pool. I was convinced we were on the road to recovery. He gave me diamond earrings for our 17th anniversary (October 1998) and a digital camera for Christmas. We were communicating much better, and I had fallen in love with him all over again.<P>In Feb. I discovered the love letters from the OW. We had made passionate love the nite before. I was, of course, devestated. He told me pretty much everything over the course of the next two months. How they had met. How much he loved her. How she had helped him when he had been so unhappy. etc. He said he loved me more, but differently. At the same time I discovered a secret post office box, a secret long distance calling card service, with phone calls he was paying for so she could call relatives her husband did not want her communicating with. There was a secret credit card to pay for the secret calling card. ON his passport I discovered that he had been to South America 4 times to see her when she was there visiting relatives. I had known about one of the trips, but he had told me he was going with some pilot buddies. I found a couple of rolls of film that had been developed once, but were hidden in his bag, so had them deeloped again. Naked Pictures in hotels, both of her alone and them together. When confronted with those, I asked him where he had his copies. He lied of course, so I spent the next several weeks looking for them. Found his collection by accident at our farm. He had more pictures of her over a two year period than he had of me in 17 years. Many of them in thong bikinis. There were more love letters in the packet too. One from him saying that He could not tell her how much he loved her. Several from her, calling him her "one and only" *barf*<BR>In the meantime, he told me he would end it, that he had never thought we could have progressed the way we had over the last year, but had not wanted to abandon her once the relationship had started. He let me talk to her, to hear her say that she did not want to marry him. That they were just good friends. He has not taken any trips to the state she lives in since the month I found out. He has talked to her, as evidenced by the phone bills I found, but says that those calls were to tie up loose ends. One of those being that he had promised to find a good computer for her. She would pay him back, of course.<BR>As all this was going on I was still reading and trying to live the advise I found in the books. I read The Ten Second Kiss and have used a lot of the advise in that book. I have read "A Course in Miracles" by Marian Williamson, and of course "His Needs/Her Needs. Throughtout it all I tried to make all decisions based on love, not fear or anger. I did not blackmail the OW with the Pictures or make the H burn them, although I made him very much aware that I expected him to eventually get rid of them. Which he finally did in June, (although he prob. made copies!) The OW left the country for two months to get "over him" and to put distance between them, this I found out in one of the letters in the packet of pics.<BR>When she returned to the states, the computer had been delivered, but no check had arrived so I sent a bill. The first week of July she called me to tell me that it was a good bye present and that she was not supposed to pay for it. When I questioned the H with this info, he admitted that he had meant it as a present. He had not expected her to call me! She said she did not want it anymore, but could not pay $800.00 or send it back or her hubby would be suspicious! To make payments would only drag out the contact between us. I could not tell her to "Just Keep it, Honey" although that is what my H wanted me to do. She wanted to hear that I would not tell her H, so was afraid not to resolve the computer issue, so kept calling me about it! I finally told her I would accept a payment of $400.00 if that would end it all. She agreed, told me she did not want my H to call or write her anymore, that he was too much trouble, and she wanted him to be happy with me! She did, however add, that if in the future we, together, wanted to call to see how she was doing, that she would like to know how we were too! Yeah, right!<P>I feel pretty secure and happy with my H when he is home. He has made efforts to please me and reassure me with little cards, and presents. We have taken several trips together. Our sex life has been better now than it has ever been, as if we are making up for lost time. He has confessed to still wanting the OW as a friend to talk to about "us". but swears he has not talked to her since July. I still get angry when I remember finding all the things I found or think about his behaviour toward me and the kids two years ago. I still worry that when he is flying he is continuing to call her. I wonder when the e-mail contact will start.<BR>I absoulutly do not trust him, but do love him and treasure every moment we are together happily and united.<P>I guess I have gone into this long story to say mostly to you that perserverance can pay off. Keep the love-busters at bay. We were created to love, not hate or fear, and the miracle of it all is that our minds can be changed to allow miracles to happen. I don't feel that I have made all the sacrifices, although it prob. sounds like that to you. I have simply realized that this man meant the world to me, and I was not doing all I could to make him aware of that. His love bank for me was depleated because at least 3 of his basic needs were being neglected due to my inability to see that my behavior was not a true reflection of the love and dedication I felt for him. My love bank was suffering too, but I realized that he was almost at the point of not caring if I was dissatisfied. Only I could effect changes at the beginning, and part of that change involved swallowing my pride for a while, and expressing to him the loving acceptance and appreciation that existed in my heart.<BR>Well, hmmm. Does this make any sense? Should I write love manuels? hehe.<BR>Your comments appreciated, and I hope it has not been too long and boring.<P> <BR>All times are CT (US) <BR>

Pilot's Wife,<P>I read your post and it's not boring at all. Your H must be on a flight this weekend! The board is not very busy here on a friday night.<BR>What brought you here? Your story, on the surface, reads like a success, but you are clearly troubled. Are things at a standstill now between you and your H? Have you been to counseling? For yourself? Does your H spend a lot of time alone on the computer? Do you suspect that he is still in contact with the OW?<BR>I'd say that you have forgiven your H a lot! Maybe you are blaming yourself too much for the conditions which made your H vulnerable to a divorce. Please keep posting.

I'm really happy for you. that you were able to bring your realtionship back together like you did showed alot of strength and comittment. Thankyou for telling us what books you read. I plan on getting some of these books and hopefully I can have the same success as you. My situation is different because my H is now living with OW but he isn't ready to give up on us yet either.<P><BR>Jill

Yes, H is on a flight. Am always troubled when he is gone. Am not able to keep tabs on him. Don't know if he is in contact with her when he is away, even if only by phone. I fear there could be online contact w/OW in the future, but she is not computer savey, a new toy for her, and don't know if her H would pay for internet time. He seems to be a tightwad, hence my H's desire to pay her phone bills and get the puter for her in the first place. <BR>Have not been to counseling, only read a bunch of books.<BR>Even with things seeming to go well, I am still troubled. It could happen again! I was unaware before, my blind trust is gone, but I fear he could still get away with tricks and lies. Wonder how long it will take to feel really secure.<P>As to coming here....<BR>I hope to write a book for Pilot's wives and was searching the net for statistics about affair and devorce rates in the aviation industry. In my quest, I found this site and having read Dr. H's book I explored further and was amazed to read all the different scenarios that accompany an affair. Has made me start to doubt the truth of my perceptions of what is happening between my H and Me. I feel inadequate to offer advise that seemed to work for me to those of you who are suffering under such different situations. Maybe it is just a fluke that all seems to be going so well for us.

no, it is probably NOT a fluke that things are going well for you! You have done a really great job and are to be commended.<BR>It's just that we ALL feel like the trust is gone, and it is, and some days it feels worse than others. My H is "away at work" all the time-says he has an apartment now, but for months he lived with OW, and told all kinds of stories. I can't trust him any further than i can throw the OW's grand piano (which is in my living room--long story).<BR>You also have an especially large number of things to "get over"-naked pictures? credit cards? secret trips to south america? yikes!<BR>Yeah, it's gonna be hard, and no two affairs are alike (though some sure are similar).<BR>Please keep posting, you can really get a lot of support here, and from your story, i can tell you will be a comfort to many of us.<BR>julie<P>------------------<BR>for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, till death do us part.<P><BR>