I am not considering divorce, but I wanted to post this questions in hopes that your insight will help me deal with something that has been nagging at me.<P>I keep finding myself thinking that I would be able to forgive him and move on with my life if I ended the marriage, or atleast left him.<P>Is this true, or am I dillusional? I really hope I'm dillusional but still am seeking the truth.

I have not divorced my H, but we are legally separated. We have become better friends since the separation and although he has moved out of town, are somewhat closer than we've been in a while. It does help to a degree with the healing process, which in turn helps with forgiveness. <P>I want to be completely honest. I truly haven't 100% forgiven him. Until that happens, I know there can't be a reconciliation. I pray daily for the spirit of forgiveness, and I have come a long way. <BR>But I have experienced a great deal of healing and self discovery since the separation.<p>[This message has been edited by Janie (edited November 19, 1999).]

My current marriage is my 2nd. I suppose I've forgiven my XW about as much as anyone can when the person I'm forgiving has never acknowledged that she hurt me, apologized and asked for forgiveness. This is what really makes it so tough, I think, that the person you're trying to forgive doesn't want to be forgiven, so you just go ahead and do it for your own sake. In that kind of situation, yes, not having to be around the betrayer (my XW) all the time made it a lot easier, I guess, to let go of my anger towards her. And hey, there IS life after divorce! In fact, I really enjoyed being single and living alone for a number of years after my divorce. That is until I met my present W and started the whole process all over again! (You'd think I would have learned!) Regards and blessings,<P>--Wex

Janie, <P>Do you feel that your separation is a means to reconciliation, or a step towards divorce?<P>Wexwill,<P>I'm not in a situation where the person doesn't want to be forgiven. My H wants to make the marriage work and is terrified I will leave. I just find myself thinking in he back of my mind that the only way I will be able to forgive him is if I leave him. I don't like these thoughts and immediately feel bad for them. It's not that I consider divorce to be his punishment either.<P>I guess I just get tired sometimes and feel that if I left then I could rest and stop trying so hard.<P>I guess I was truly hoping there would be numerous people saying, oh no, divorce doesn't help a bit, so I could be able to convince myself that there is no benefit to giving up.<P>Don't worry, I'm not freaking again. I have been doing pretty good all day. This has just been toying in my mind for a long time.

I am divorced from my betraying husband. We no longer have contact. I have not forgiven him, as I do not feel that is up to me. Besides which, nothing he could ever say or do will make it okay enough for me to forgive him. However, I do not harbor him ill will, I do not dwell on what happened, I am not bitter, and am much happier since we have split up (it's been almost a year).<P>I think it is up to the individual person as to what happens and how he/she feels about it.

The ONLY reason one should consider divorce is because (for whatever reason) they can no longer be with their spouse. And even then, anyone with any shred of decency should do everything within his or her power to resolve whatever problem(s) leading to that decision.<P>Considering such just to see if it could lead you to forgive your husband is just plain foolish.<P>Besides, it doesn't work. (Not that I did it for that reason, but it won't help just the same.)

That's exactly what I wanted to hear.<P>Part of me realizes this, but my stubborn side needs proof.<P>I don't intend to divorce my H. I feel God intended us to be married until death. The scriptural reason he gave for divorce was adultery. I have always felt this was designed to prevent a person from having to live the rest of their life alone if their spouse decided to abandon them for another person.<P>I'm not saying those of us betrayed don't have a scriptural ground for divorce if our betraying spouse doesn't want one, but I do feel that the Lord intended for us to stay married through this, but understands that isn't always possible or what is best for the "innocent" or better term "non-betraying" spouse.<P>

Essyboo: Right now I am hoping that our separation will lead to a reconciliation. There has been a glitch, however, due to the fact that his job led to a transfer in another city (6 hrs away). We talk 2-3 times a week and have made plans for weekends through the holidays. <P>You are right in that not being together has helped me to "rest", as the constant stress of trying so hard is gone. It is my gut feeling that he feels the same way. My problem in forgiving him is that:<P>1. He never would admit to the affair. All he would say was that he was "talking" to an old friend. I have physical evidence that tells me otherwise.<P>2. He never would give me ANY details about their relationship, although he was caught in lie after lie.<P>3. He has never said he was sorry for the affair or asked for my forgiveness regarding the affair.<P>He is the type person that thinks if you don't talk about or discuss something it will just go away. I guess that is where our marriage went wrong to begin with. <P>He has apologized, however, for all the burdens he placed on me throughout our years of marriage with regards to full responsibility for raising the children, keeping house, buying the groceries, running the house (paying bills, etc). He cried once saying all he did was sit with his finger up his @$$ for years while I had to figure everything out.<P>As far as all the years of responsibility, yes, I have forgiven him and I admit I held in resentments for years. The key there is that he apologized and is now having to figure things out on his own. As I said before, the hurt and resentment I'm feeling about the affair isn't livid like it once was, but it still smolders deep within me. I know we can never reconcile as man and wife until he acknowledges the affair and acknowledges his wrongdoing. I still pray to be able to forgive him in spite of it all. Hopefull one day I can, but for now it still eats at me.<P>I don't believe there is anyone else and really do believe she has been out of the picture since before I left. Whether she ended it or he did, I don't know. <P>I have "somewhat" enjoyed living by myself. I really have savored the space and rest. I was used to spending an entire evening on Friday night and just about all day on Saturdays grocery shopping and cleaning house. I'm in a nice little apartment and it rarely takes more than a couple of hours to do heavy cleaning and who cooks a lot when they live by themselves??? Not me!!<BR>Also, if I want to throw my panty house and slip on the floor, who cares?<P>After a long ramble, my answer to you is yes, distance can sometimes give you the rest you need and help you regroup. And, yes, I do continue to hope for reconciliation and a great marriage. Even if my H and I can't work it out, the concepts I've learned through participating on this forum will help me with a new relationship when or if that happens.<BR>

Do not forgive him until you are ready. The problem with most apologies and also with most forgiveness is that:<P>- it is premature<BR>- it is incomplete<BR>- it comes from a desire to achieve certain goals rather that a heart-felt reflection on the past<P>You don't need to forgive him until you are ready. If and when he really regains your trust, you won't have to ask these questions. It will come quite naturally.<P>You have a right to be angry. You have a right to be skeptical. You have a right to insist on changes. And you have a right to insist he proves who he is and where he is at. Don't deny yourself those rights. But he also has a right to make mistakes and learn from them. Don't be a jerk either. (Not that you are.)<BR>